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Dear Thelma,
For context, I am a 28-year-old male and my girlfriend is 26. She recently graduated and is looking for a job in Selangor (she's from Johor). As a result, when she was looking for a place to rent, she floated the idea of us moving in together, which I agreed to after a few minutes of discussion.
However, when I told my mum that I plan to move in with her, she strongly opposed it, saying that it would make me more stressed. During the exchange, she emphasised that she 'knows me' and that it would be a bad idea. To add insult to injury, my mother criticised my girlfriend for not coming to KL herself to view the properties on her own. When I told my girlfriend what happened, she was deeply distraught and traumatised. She could not accept that my mother was so strongly against us moving in together. My girlfriend is now afraid to come to my house or even face my mother. She expressed that we might even break up because of my mother's attitude towards this situation. What can I do to solve this situation?
R
Thank you for writing in on a common issue. Let’s examine the issues and principles and then look at steps to help you move forward. You are a 28-year-old man, which means you’re an adult. It’s up to you to make decisions that make you happy – and to deal with the consequences if you don’t like your choices.
Your mother has the right to an opinion. She can say what she thinks once but after that, it is your choice. It is your life, not your mother’s. This is assuming that you live alone. If you live with your mother (or others) then any change in living arrangements need to be cleared with housemates. Should housemates not agree to an extra tenant, you would have to move out - or your tenants would have to move if you own the property. This is basic courtesy for dealing with changes in living arrangements.
I am taken aback at how your mother expressed her thoughts. There is a world of difference between saying, "I am worried that changing your living conditions may impact your mental health” and "do you have a plan if this doesn’t work out” and flat out trying to veto an adult man’s decisions and then criticising his partner harshly too.
House hunting is incredibly difficult at a distance and it’s perfectly normal to turn to a partner for insight and consultation. At your age you will be looking for a partner you will build a life with, so it’s natural to consider taking the next step. If it doesn’t work out, you can always change it.
First, mum. What role does your mother play in your life? In some relationships, especially in arranged marriages, family is prioritised over the partner. In others, especially romantic marriages, the partnership is prioritised over the family.
There is no right and wrong, but you should decide now what you want. As you have not immediately broken up, it suggests you want to prioritise the relationship. If that is so, the first step is to figure out what is behind your mother’s reaction. My first thought was that your mother lashed out as she doesn’t like change. Perhaps you live with her and she is worried about money or being lonely.
It’s a wrench, this kind of change, but it’s a normal part of having kids grow up and move out. If she has money or loneliness concerns, then this is the time for her to make plans to navigate this. Talk to her again, and be kind. My second thought is that she may be controlling. If it’s a mistaken belief that you’re still a child, or a matter of being controlling, you will have to talk as one adult to another. Be kind but firm. You have the right to live a happy life.
Either way, be practical. Impress upon your mother that she doesn’t need to be best friends with your girlfriend; all they need to do is get along politely. That means no nasty comments, no passive aggressive behaviour and no gossip. Plain company manners is good enough – on both sides!
Next, your girlfriend’s reaction. Declaring deep trauma, refusing to engage, and threatening the end of a relationship at the mere reporting of a difficult conversation is extreme. My first thought is that the reaction may be rooted in childishness. If you two plan a life together, she will have to commit to talking things over, even if they are difficult.
Conversations must be kind, respectful, open hearted and calm. With regards to this particular issue, the bottom line is that she will have to spend time with people who are dear to you but not to her, just as you will have to spend time with her friends and family, some of whom you won’t gel with either. It’s part of being in a committed relationship. I strongly suggest you talk over how that would work, before you move in together.
Also talk about money, whether you want kids, what happens if the other person has a job opportunity, how housework will be split, whether you buy or rent, and other vital issues. Moving in is a serious matter, so it’s important you are on the same page. My second thought is that your girlfriend may be controlling. Toxic or abusive people use rage, drama, and threats to control others.
Demanding that beloved friends and family are cut off is also a common red flag. If this rings a bell, don’t move in together. If you do, you are committing yourself to a life with constant drama, shouting, tear fests, and fights. It is not conducive to a happy life. To sum up, the dynamics of your relationships will affect your approach.
Managing life transitions can be tricky as we don’t like change but with kind and fair people, open conversations will show a way forward. However, people who are controlling do not act fairly or have your needs in mind. Therefore, if you believe that one or both are controlling, please disengage and seek counselling for yourself.
I hope you find this useful. Please know I’m hoping that it is all reactions to change and that you can all move forward and be happy.
