Dear Thelma,
I’m an 18-year-old girl, and I’m writing to you because I’m overwhelmed by feelings I know I shouldn’t have. I have a huge crush on my cousin brother (my father’s sister’s son). He lives in a neighbouring country but visits us regularly, and when he does, he stays at our house.
I can't wait to see him again during Chinese New Year. We always have good conversations, and I enjoy his company very much.
He’s eight years older than me and, honestly, the most handsome and charming person I’ve ever met. He’s doing well in his career, he’s confident, kind, and just everything I admire in a person. Every time he’s around, I feel so drawn to him – it’s like I can’t think about anything else. Even when he’s away, I find myself daydreaming about him.
I know this sounds wrong because he’s my cousin, and I’ve tried to push these feelings aside, but they just won’t go away. I don’t think he sees me as anything more than his little cousin, which is probably for the best. But I can’t help but wonder – if things were different, would it ever be possible for us to be together?
I know in some cultures, cousins can marry, but in others, it’s completely forbidden. I’m confused and scared that I’ll never move past this. How do I deal with feelings like this? Should I tell him how I feel or try harder to move on? Please help me make sense of this because it’s starting to affect my peace of mind.
Lost in Feelings
Thanks for writing in. You have a crush on a man who is kind and who works hard; you have good taste! Also, there are strong psychological factors that fuel your interest. Let me explain.
We are fascinated by the new and unfamiliar. For example, when shopping, we will get excited to see a new product, especially if it’s from a different country. Biscuits from Japan or Korea may seem more exotic, unique, or sophisticated just because they’re unfamiliar.
Your cousin is not a biscuit but because he lives abroad, he has that extra exotic feel that adds to the glamour.
Then there’s the psychology of scarcity. We tend to value what we find hard to get. Again with the biscuit metaphor, if a biscuit is always available, we don’t think about it much. But if a biscuit is only available for a holiday season, we get all excited. Also, we think it is extra special, even if it isn’t really.
Your cousin coming for holidays and special occasions, creates extra interest and a perception of special value.
So thinking about your cousin and understanding you can’t have him will fire your imagination, amplify his positive traits and fuel that sense of want.
Here’s what you need to hold on to: at 18, you are at the start of your adult life. Over the next few years you will leave home, get a job, and learn to be independent. There will be lots of changes. Therefore, you are far too young to settle on anyone, even a kind and hardworking man.
Your cousin is 26, which means he is in a different life stage. He’s an adult. As a good man, he will see you as a child turning into a young woman. That means he’ll love you – as his kid cousin. He cannot and must not see you any other way.
As a relationship is out of the question, do not ask him how he feels. Children speak their minds without a filter but adults have a responsibility to consider others. Your cousin is your guest, and there’s no reason to make him uncomfortable.
Crushing is unpleasant but you can deal with it. Understand that you are not your thoughts, and that you can choose how you respond to them. Here is how that works.
First, accept your feelings. Having crushes is perfectly human. Be kind to yourself.
Second, remind yourself that a lot of the glamour comes from scarcity and exoticness.
Third, the more you allow yourself to be carried by your thoughts, the more uncomfortable you will be. So when the thoughts come into mind, push them away and distract yourself. Try cleaning something, bouncing a ball, taking a walk, anything to keep yourself busy.
And finally, at 18 you can start thinking about what you want from your life. If you want a partner, you’ll need to make lots of friends and see what kind of person you might want to live with for the next 50 years.
You know the basics already, a person of your own age who is also kind and hardworking. It’s a good start, so get a fabulous social life together and see where it takes you.
You were brave to write in about your private feelings. I hope this helps you move forward. Good luck and know I’m thinking of you.
