Resolutions: Simplify the equation...

  • Living
  • Saturday, 11 Jan 2014

This year, why not give yourself a head start?

IT’S been 2014 for a whole week already, so I feel comfortable asking: how’s that New Year’s Resolution coming along? What’s that? Haven’t started?

Hey, don’t sweat it. After all, 88% of New Year’s Resolutions fail. Eighty eight per cent! The washout rate for Navy Seal training is 70-80%, so strictly looking at percentages it’s easier to become an elite modern warrior than to give up eating cheesecake or start going to the gym regularly.

So what’s the deal? Is it that humanity doesn’t have the diligence and determination to complete the goals they set for themselves? I say, no! I believe in the ability of people to complete what they set out to do, I just think everybody is aiming too high.

Losing weight, getting ripped, being more positive, stop screaming at children and small animals, what does that mean? It’s too big, too abstract. We need to pick more doable, more easily quantifiable New Year’s goals if we want to lower that 88% failure rate.

It’s not too late to change your resolution to one that’s more achievable. And to help inspire, here is my list of Top Five Difference Making New Year’s Resolutions that could be Completed with Minimal Effort! Or TFDMNYRTCBCWME if you like acronyms.


1. Floss Your Teeth Once a Week – Easy! There are 10,080 minutes a week and flossing takes approximately two. Imagine the praise heaped on you as your dentist inspects your tremendously flossed teeth this year. Just keep that inflated ego in check after dental professionals declare you a miracle of dentistry.

2. Stop Listening to Ylvis’ The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) – This shouldn’t be hard for rational people to do, but if you’re one of the irrational ones that crave lyrics stolen from a Fisher Price See N’ Say, sung by grown men creepily dressed in bargain basement fox outfits raving like it’s 1997 in front of green laser lights – and you’re not under the age of four – you really need to take a good look in the mirror and figure out what void this song is filling for you. Take up binge eating, insert profanity in any word you use with more than one syllable, do whatever it takes, but please stop. To the credit of Ylvis, they created The Fox as a joke and have no plans to release an album, but let’s not tempt them.

3. Stop Arranging Your Wallet Right in Front of the ATM Immediately After Receiving Your Cash – Because when you don’t, that entire line of people behind you is forced to wait in anxious irritation while you arrange receipts, credit cards and cash with the deftness of a sausage-fingered toddler. Thirty seconds saved may not seem like much, but multiplied by everybody in line, multiplied by the number of times you visit an ATM; you’ll end up saving thousands of work hours (note: estimation not based on actual math). When the global economy recovers, don’t be timid, stand up, give yourself a pat on the back and declare, “I did that”.

4. Don’t Bump into Pitbull on the Street (the rapper not the dog) – Apparently that’s all it takes to end up doing a collaboration with the Cuban rapper and music producer. Christina Aguilera, J.LO, Ke$sha, Flo Rida, Priyanka Chopra, Arianna, Estello, Gary Caos are but a few of the folks who did collabs with Pitbull in 2013. Not that I don’t like a good Pitbull collaboration, but let’s not burn out the little suit and sunglass-wearing MC, I want to see Pitbull on pop music countdowns when I’m 85 if for no other reason than his success should give everybody hope that one day they too can be a “musician”.

5. Speak to at Least One Random Person a Day in an Arnold Schwarzenegger Accent – Stealing a little of the Terminator’s charisma to spice up daily life is a must! Remember how much joy Arnie (pic) brought to audiences with his Austrian twang in Kindergarten Cop when he yelled: “It’s not a tooomaaa (tumour)!” Think about how much funnier the disembowelments in Predator were because Arnie screamed: “Get to tha choppa!” Even thumb wrestling with his daughter in True Lies became a joy to watch because The Governator puked out a hearty laugh that was somehow still accented in that uniquely Schwarzeneggaran inflection. While ordering food, meeting your girlfriend’s parents, or in the middle of a fiscal presentation, holler in your best Arnie voice: “Come on! I’m here! Do it nooooow!” and watch everyone’s eyes light up with the shock and excitement of a toy poodle about to get hit by a garbage truck. In 2014, bring the joy – that completely unexpected, random, obnoxious joy.

Who needs complex, life-changing, paradigm shifting goals that most of us are destined to fail at, when you can simply resolve to not meet an artist or speak ridiculously once a day to enrich your life in some small way. Sure, I concede the above list is a tad (probably a lot) ludicrous but like Lao Tzu said: “the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step” and so with your Resolution in 2014 look far, but aim close ... and don’t become one of the 88%.


Jason Godfrey can be seen hosting The Link on Life Inspired (Astro B.yond Ch 728).

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