How to handle that tantrum

It is important that you stay calm when your child has a tantrum so that you can help comfort and calm them down. — Positive Parenting

Tantrums are outbursts of anger and frustration commonly seen in children between one and three years old.

They happen when young children are upset, but do not have the words to communicate their feelings.

During a tantrum, a child may scream, cry loudly, stiffen the body, move the arms, kick, push, throw objects, lie on the floor or hold their breath.

Tantrums are a normal phase of growing up as children encounter new and unfamiliar experiences.

It is important to remember that toddlers do not have tantrums on purpose to annoy their parents.

They need guidance and support to learn how to manage strong emotions.

A tantrum could happen when a child does not get what they wish for, e.g. another child takes the toy that they want.

Children are more likely to have tantrums when they are hungry, tired or unwell.

Overstimulation of the senses with too much sound, lights or being in a crowded environment for a prolonged period can also trigger tantrums.

Here are some tips on how to cope and support toddlers through this phase:

> Establish routines, rules and limits

Having regular routines helps children know and accept that activities they enjoy and those they dislike are part of everyday life.

Have clear, simple, and reasonable rules and limits about what is allowed and not allowed.

It will take them a while to learn, so be consistent.

Praise them when they remember.

And remind them gently when they forget.

> Be a good role model

Children learn best by imitating the behaviour of adults around them.

Set a good example by displaying polite, kind and gentle behaviour that you want them to follow.

If they regularly see you shouting and behaving rudely when you are upset or angry, they will imitate this behaviour.

> Help children recognise their emotions

As your child grows, keep using words like “happy”, “sad”, “hungry”, “pain” or “tired” when you see them go through these experiences.

This helps them to recognise different emotions, connect them with words, and improve their ability to communicate.

> Prevent and manage triggers

Young children need regular breaks.

Make sure your child has rested and had something to eat before going out.

Pay attention to these needs when there is a change of routine, e.g. during trips or gatherings.

Respond to signals showing that they are hungry, sleepy, bored or unwell.

Be ready to leave early or take your child out for a break before they become upset.

> Redirect

Your child may be too young to understand why you may have to say “no” to something that is unsuitable or unsafe.

When you say “no”, be ready to shift their attention to something else that is interesting or offer an alternative.

For example, if your child wants to play with a knife, say: “This isn’t safe to play with, but let’s get your blocks instead.”

> Stay calm and patient

If your child throws a tantrum, stay calm and try to help them calm down.

Offer comfort by holding your child gently.

If necessary, carry your child to a quiet, safe place.

Speak softly and acknowledge that they are upset.

Allow your child to calm down gradually.

When they have settled down, give them a hug.

A drink, snack or nap may help them feel better too.

> Communicate with your child

Once your child is in a better mood, ask what made them upset.

Listen to their thoughts and teach them how to ask politely instead of shouting.

Explain that some things they request may not be possible and ask them to suggest an alternative.

For example, ask them: “You can’t watch a movie tonight, but what would you like to do after dinner?”

> Teach your child about consequences

Let your child know that there will be consequences to their behaviour.

These have to be consistent and immediate to help them learn.

For example, if they refuse to tidy up, explain that their toys will be put away for the rest of the day.

Make sure that you follow through, gently but firmly.

Here are some do’s and don’ts when your child has a tantrum:

• Do be patient and continue with a consistent and calm response.
• Do take your child to a quiet place to calm down.
• Do use strategies that help your child calm down.
• Do acknowledge their feelings and help to soothe their emotions.
• Do not give in to your child’s demands when they throw tantrums.
• Do not expect tantrums to disappear immediately.
• Do not shout at your child in the middle of a tantrum.
• Do not respond angrily.

Dr Mary Joseph Marret is a consultant paediatrician. This article is courtesy of the Malaysian Paediatric Association’s Positive Parenting programme in collaboration with expert partners. For further information, please email [e-mail]. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only, and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. Information published in this article is not intended to replace, supplant or augment a consultation with a health professional regarding the reader’s own medical care. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.