“How can I help my son get through this? I am exhausted.”
This is something I hear from time to time, not from patients, but from the people who love them.
Parents, spouses, siblings and close friends often carry a heavy emotional burden when someone they care about is struggling with a mental health condition.
They may find themselves worrying constantly, adjusting their routines, taking on additional responsibilities or trying to find the “right” thing to say, yet still feel helpless or unsure whether they are helping at all.
Supporting someone through a difficult period can make a meaningful difference, but without healthy boundaries, support can gradually turn into exhaustion.
When someone struggles with a mental health condition, the people around them are affected too, often experiencing stress, frustration, guilt, fear, and even grief, as they adjust to changes in their loved one’s behaviour and functioning.
This does not mean we should avoid supporting someone who is struggling.
It means support is most sustainable and most effective when approached with realistic boundaries.
Start by listening
When someone we care about is suffering, our instinct is often to fix the problem.
We offer advice, suggest solutions or encourage them to “think positively”.
While these responses usually come from a place of love, they can leave the person feeling misunderstood.
Many people going through a difficult period are not looking for immediate solutions.
Often, they first want to know that someone understands what they are experiencing.
Try simple statements such as: “That sounds really difficult”, “I’m here for you” and “How can I support you?”
Being present and allowing someone to share their experience, without rushing to fix it, can be one of the most meaningful forms of support.
Learn about the condition
Understanding what your loved one is experiencing can make support more effective.
Learning about the symptoms, warning signs and general course of their condition helps you respond with greater empathy and less fear.
It can also reduce the risk of mistaking symptoms for intentional behaviour.
For example, someone experiencing depression may struggle to get out of bed, lose motivation or withdraw from activities they once enjoyed.
Without understanding depression, this can be mistaken for laziness or a lack of effort.
ALSO READ: Here are the many ways depression can strike
Similarly, schizophrenia is not the same as having “multiple personalities” – a common misconception.
Learning about conditions through reliable sources and healthcare professionals allows families to develop realistic expectations and provide more appropriate support.
Encourage, not force, getting help
Have you ever tried encouraging someone to seek help, only to feel frustrated when they refuse?
This is one of the most challenging situations families would usually face.
While it is natural to want someone you love to get better, forcing them into treatment is usually not effective.
It is often more helpful to express concern, share specific observations and keep the conversation open.
For example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been having a difficult time lately and seem much more withdrawn than usual.
“I’m worried about you. Would you consider talking to someone about it?”
People may not accept help immediately.
Sometimes, repeated, compassionate conversations work better than pressure or confrontation.
Support can also be practical, such as accompanying someone to an appointment, helping them organise treatment plans, or simply reminding them that seeking help is not a sign of weakness.
Remember, supporting someone is different from becoming their therapist.
Don’t take on everything
When someone is struggling, it is natural to want to do everything possible to help.
But one common mistake is gradually becoming responsible for another person’s entire well-being.
You monitor every mood change, constantly worry about whether your loved one is improving, or blame yourself when recovery does not happen as quickly as expected.
The reality is that no one person can prevent every setback or solve another person’s problems completely.
Trying to do so can leave family members feeling exhausted, guilty and resentful, and can unintentionally make the person struggling feel controlled, rather than supported.
Healthy support encourages independence, rather than replacing it.
Sometimes, helping means stepping in.
Other times, it means stepping back and allowing space for your loved one to practise the skills they are learning.
Watch for caregiver burnout
Burnout is a state of overwhelming physical, emotional and mental fatigue resulting from prolonged caregiving stress.
Supporting someone through mental health difficulty can be demanding, especially when it continues over months or years, and over time, some people experience burnout.
Watch out for warning signs across three areas:
- Emotional – irritability, feeling hopeless or guilty for not doing enough, increased anxiety or depression
- Physical – fatigue, headaches, body aches, changes in appetite or weight
- Behavioural – difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, losing patience with the person you’re caring for, using alcohol to cope.
If these signs sound familiar, it may be time to ask an important question: “Who is supporting me?”
Supporting someone else does not mean sacrificing your own well-being.
Take care of yourself
Taking care of yourself is not selfish; put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
Many people feel guilty about setting boundaries or taking time for themselves, worrying that a break means they do not care enough.
In truth, sustainable support requires self-care.
Maintaining your own routines such as sleep, exercise, social connections, hobbies and time with people who support you, is what allows you to keep showing up for your loved one over the long term.
Some family members also benefit from their own counselling or support groups, to process their emotions and learn strategies for managing what they face.
Setting boundaries is also an act of care.
It is reasonable to say: “I want to support you, but I am unable to answer calls throughout the night” or “I care about you, but I also need some time to rest and recharge.”
Healthy boundaries protect both people in the relationship.
Prepare for a marathon
Mental health recovery is rarely a journey someone takes alone.
Family, friends, colleagues, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists and support networks all play a role.
In most situations, your role is not to cure the person, but to be a steady presence.
This may be checking in, encouraging treatment, listening without judgment and maintaining healthy boundaries.
However, if a loved one talks about hopelessness, expresses a wish to die or shows any urgent warning signs discussed in the first article of this series, this is not a situation to simply monitor.
It requires immediate action by staying with them and contacting crisis support or emergency help right away.
Throughout this series, we have explored warning signs, who to see and when, what happens during a psychiatric consultation, common misconceptions about medication, and how to support someone through recovery (see links below).
If there is one message that ties all these topics together, it is this: Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, and supporting someone does not require having all the answers.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can offer another person is the reassurance that they do not have to face their struggles alone.
Dr Lim Poh Khuen is a consultant psychiatrist. This is the final article in a five-part weekly series on mental health treatment and practical guidance in Malaysia. For more information, email starhealth@thestar.com.my. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only, and should not be considered as medical advice. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this article. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.
