When a couple's sex drives don’t match

Sexual drive discrepancy is not unusual in a relationship and can be due to numerous factors, including physical, mental and psychological issues. — Filepic

While seldom discussed, problems with libido can affect the quality of a relationship.

It is not uncommon for one partner in a relationship to have a higher sex drive than the other.

Mismatched sex drives, also known as sex drive discrepancy, can occur anytime during a relationship for a number of reasons and may place strain on the relationship.

Surprisingly, up to 80% of couples may regularly experience desire discrepancy in their relationship.

This is one of the most commonly-reported reasons for couples to seek counselling.

Different drives

Levels of sexual desire can vary, depending on the individual.

This makes it hard to have a strict definition of what a “normal” sex drive is.

Psychological factors, interpersonal relationships and underlying medical conditions can contribute to some individuals having a lower sexual desire than others.

When this affects one partner in the relationship, it can cause or worsen sex drive discrepancy.

Various medical conditions may reduce one’s libido.

Hormones play a big role.

In males, testosterone levels decline with increasing age, and can manifest as low libido, possible problems with erections, increased fatigue and an overall poorer sense of well-being.

Likewise, declining oestrogen and testosterone levels in older, post-menopausal women can sometimes contribute to lower sexual desire.

Mental health issues like depression and anxiety can also reduce libido.

Certain medications, including some types of anti-depressants, beta blockers, and even the contraceptive pill, can cause loss of libido.

Psychological factors may also contribute to one partner having less sexual desire.

This can range from life stressors to how they view themselves, e.g. feeling unattractive or unconfident.

Relationship factors also play a role – relationship troubles may affect one’s sexual interest.

Poor communication about sexual desires/interests may also exacerbate sex drive discrepancy.

One partner may feel like their needs are not met, or that sexual activity is not pleasurable and lose sexual interest as a result.

Talk it out

Good communication is a key starting point for couples struggling with sex drive discrepancy.

Speaking openly and listening with empathy and understanding while discussing each other’s feelings, desires, insecurities and attitudes towards sex can help both parties come to a better understanding about the issue.

Being open about arriving at a compromise and exploring sex and sexual activity in different ways (not necessarily penetrative intercourse) can be helpful too.

For couples who are uncertain of how to navigate this issue, seeing a counsellor or sex therapist can be helpful, particularly in unravelling possible underlying issues and improving sexual intimacy in your relationship.

The dynamics of any relationship can change over time.

Therefore, it is always possible to address sex drive discrepancy in order to continue with a fulfilling relationship and healthy sex life.

If you happen to be the partner with the lower libido in a relationship and are concerned about possible underlying health conditions, you should consult a doctor to explore this further.

Dr Grace Huang is a physician in Singapore. For more information, email [e-mail]. The information provided is for educational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.