Even when you’re going through life as a couple, sometimes you just don’t want the same things as your partner.
Imagine you’re invited to your partner’s family gathering and you know that the people there aren’t good for you. Your partner still expects you come along.
But is that really necessary? Can you draw a line and say something like, "I’m not coming"? Yes you can, as suppressing your gut feeling isn’t a good idea.
"Boundaries in a relationship foster mutual respect; they help you protect your own needs whilst also recognising your partner’s needs," says Petra Beschoner, a psychiatry, psychotherapy and psychosomatic medical specialist and Medical Director of the Bad Saulgau Acute Care Clinic.
Here is her step-by-step guide for couples:
1. Identify your boundaries
Boundaries differ from person to person. To find out where your own lie, you can ask yourself these questions: What are my wishes? What am I afraid of? Which values are important to me? What are my goals? In doing this exercise, it also helps to be aware of your body’s signals, be they tension, discomfort or headaches.
2. Communicate boundaries
However, we need to share our needs and boundaries with our partner. The best way to do this is through open, honest and empathetic communication. Speaking from your own point of view, and saying "I" and showing empathy can prevent the other person from feeling attacked.
Let's get back to that family gathering example. Gently explain to your partner how you feel in that situation. At the same time, signal that you take their wish to attend the gathering seriously.
Based on this, you can both discuss how to handle the situation. There may well be a compromise that works for both of you. That could be that you could agree to stay at the gathering just long enough for a drink, say, or a piece of cake.
3. Stick to the agreement
Both of you need to then stick to the agreement. After all, consistency is particularly important when it comes to boundaries. "I remain clear and consistent in my stance; otherwise, I’ll fuel uncertainty and mistrust in my partner," says Beschoner.
To achieve this, the boundaries may need to be communicated time and again until they are fully understood by the other person. And, if necessary, consequences must be applied.
Back to the family gathering: If a reminder from your partner isn’t enough, then simply leave the gathering on your own. It’s also helpful to tell the hosts right at the start when you’ll be leaving the gathering, as that can help manage expectations. – dpa
