But are the apps as bad as everyone says? Short answer: It's complicated. — Image by freepik
Amy Cimo Ledet had been on and off dating apps for years since college. She had seen iterations and trends come and go. She used Plenty of Fish, Bumble and defunct apps that she doesn't even remember the names of anymore.
But it was often frustrating.
"It was always like, 'I'm not going to find anybody,'" she said. "Every time I'd start talking to somebody, and I would think 'maybe,' it was never the right person."
The more time went on, the more dates she went on. The more that relationships ended, the more she became resigned that she might just not find someone in Baton Rouge. Through the years, she'd contemplated moving away from Louisiana, and in fall of 2021, she was actively researching and planned to work remotely from different cities to see where she'd like to take the next steps.
Maybe she'd have more luck that way.
Dating apps are the primary way people find love in the modern era, but people also love to hate them. Horror stories abound – entire TV series and novels have been written about catfishing and scams that can and have befallen people. Much ink has been spilled on the societal impact of meeting people online instead of in established social circles and what it might be doing to younger generations. In Baton Rouge, online forums and friend group hang outs alike bemoan the lack of options, lack of matches or prevalence of bots/scams/pick your poison.
But are the apps as bad as everyone says?
Short answer: It's complicated.
The dating app trenches
For those who are in the trenches, it feels rough.
"It's really hard to find quality men that want to add value to your life, versus just stressing you out or lying or ghosting," said Krystle Gautreau, who lives in Gonzales.
Gautreau has also been on and off the apps since college.
"I usually get frustrated because of the bad experiences and quit for months or a year, and then I'll always go back when I'm single," she said.
Sometimes the people she matches with or attempts to date make lewd and inappropriate remarks about her or her body. One date couldn't meet her eyes in person (he was sweet on the phone). When it came time to pay, his card declined. Some of her friends have fallen for scammers posing to be potential matches online.
For Brian Barry, 34, who is from New York City, the interconnected nature of Baton Rouge poses additional challenges.
"For me, as a single guy, no kids, no former marriages, I think it does make it harder, especially not being from Baton Rouge since it is it's own – I don't want to say cliquey area – but kind of an area of who do you know, how do you know this person, type of ordeal."
Barry found it hard to get matches. When he did match with someone, it rarely went anywhere, which turned into a vicious cycle. He wasn't that invested in interacting on the apps because he wasn't getting much out of it, which meant that he rarely checked them. This led to some unintentional ghosting/leaving people hanging. He also felt that it was harder to make a connection because things like sarcasm and intonation are hard to convey over text.
Barry is off the apps now, preferring to make connections in real life and focusing on himself. He approaches people he meets in bars and said he feels bad for guys who have always lived in a time where dating apps were the norm – if they didn't learn how to approach people in real life (the norm when he was in college), which might make things all the harder.
Experts weigh in
But are the problems Baton Rouge seems to have with dating apps specific to this area? Or are they just problems with the apps? Or with people?
Dating coach Erika Ettin, of A Little Nudge, said it's generally not the city's fault. However, she has never come across the problem of people not being interested in transplants to the city, which 4 out of 5 of the transplants interviewed for this article described.
"Everyone enjoys complaining about dating," she said. "What I think a lot of people don't realise is that it takes a lot of work. You have to sift through a lot of stuff to get to the good people, but most people want to quit or complain about it before they ever get to that point. It's easy to blame your city. It's easy to blame anything you want. It's easy to blame the app. The app is there to help. You just have to use it well."
Some challenges just reflect societal realities.
For example, there's a difference in educational attainment between men and women. According to Pew Research in 2024, 47% of US women ages 25 to 34 have a bachelor's degree, compared with 37% of men. According to Ettin, men do have a harder time getting matches than women. Women bear the brunt of aggressive behaviour and verbal attacks due to online disinhibition (where people behave differently online than they would in real life).
For those reading this and feeling burned out due to any of these factors, Ettin said it's not you.
"The degree to which people are socially connected influences behaviour, because there's a reinforcement mechanism to ensure that people will behave appropriately," said Dr Jess Carbino, who was formerly a staff sociologist for both Tinder and Bumble. "For example, if you're set up by your Aunt Gladys with somebody, you are far more likely to follow up with them – or to at least end things in an amicable manner than you would if you met somebody randomly at a bar, then went out with them – because there isn't that connective tissue socially to reinforce good behaviour."
So the prevalence of ghosting, Carbino argues, isn't necessarily because people are meeting online. It's because people are meeting strangers.
Baton Rouge is a big small town. For people who are part of minority groups who might want to date other people of that same group, there will be fewer options – but that's just due to the demographics of the city.
But sometimes, there's a happily ever after
According to Pew Research, as of 2023, 1 in 10 partnered (meaning married or living with their committed partner) American adults met online. So, apps are working for some.
As Ledet made plans to move and work remotely, she randomly swiped on a man she knew in high school who she hadn't seen in more than 18 years.
They're married now, and she's staying in Baton Rouge for the foreseeable future. They were both on the apps for much of the time that she was on and off them and never came across each other. She thinks it was a blessing in timing.
"Even if we had met before I was dating the guy who I dated right before him, I don't think it would have worked out," Ledet said. "The way that our stories and situations kind of aligned by the time that we actually came across each other is part of what made it work." – The Advocate, Baton Rouge, La./Tribune News Service
