Sunny Side Up: Don’t chase the illusion of perfection

If we spend too long chasing the illusion of perfection, we risk bypassing the connection or love we desire. —Graphic: Freepik

When he was asked a question about finding the ideal relationship, the Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm replied with a story about a man looking for the perfect woman:

He had a list of traits and qualities that he would check against women he dated. Some ticked a few boxes while others fell well short of his ideal. Finally, he met a woman who was perfect for him in every way. Unfortunately for him, she was also looking for the ideal partner....

Recently, I’ve been reading some posts on social media about finding “the right person”, which invariably includes a kind of roadmap or formula to set people in the right direction. While it’s important to think about values and compatibility, I get the sense that for these people, relationships are something that should begin from a point of minimal effort so that the couple can get on with building a wonderful future together. But there’s an asymmetry built into the quest for an “ideal” that can quietly echo perfectionism.

The notion that someone could be this ideal, and that they can simply be found, edges dangerously close to the consumer logic of modern dating. It’s as if we’re shopping for meaning rather than co-creating it, in the hope that we can avoid the intuitive messiness that people wade through to create a solid relationship.

A piece of advice from aunts and uncles that would often irritate me when I was younger was, “Don’t think so much... just get on with life”. It can be simplistic in certain situations, but there’s a lot to be said for the advice in modern times. With the growth of social media and dating apps, there’s a feeling that everything should now be easily optimised and free from inconvenience. However, this can lead to amplifying perfectionism to the point where we spend more time analysing and less time living.

British psychoanalyst Adam Phillips said that thinking and fantasising are seductive because they can make us feel like we’re doing something without actually engaging with the uncertainty of taking chances and living life.

Like the man in Ajahn Brahm’s story, whether we’re finding new friends or looking for a partner, if we always focus on the ideal then reality will never be good enough. We miss out on the person, the experience, the connection – the stuff that gives life its meaning – because we’re too busy fixating on fantasy that will never exist.

Another story Ajahn Brahm tells is of a father walking his daughter down the aisle. Just as he reaches his future son-in-law he says, “Today, everything’s perfect. You have a beautiful bride, but soon you’ll learn of her flaws. Just remember, if she didn’t have those flaws, she might have married someone better than you.” That story always stuck with me – not because it’s cynical, but because it’s honest.

Everyone we meet has his or her flaws, just as we do. If we spend too long chasing the illusion of perfection, we risk bypassing the connection or love we desire.

It’s comforting to imagine that we can calculate our way into connection. If only we read the right books, follow the right guidance, or design the right checklist, we’ll arrive at the person who simply fits. But real relationships don’t arrive fully formed. They take time, patience, and the slow work of learning how to be with each other in all the complicated ways that life demands.

We might “find” someone in a café, at a bar, or online, but a relationship is built, not found. It grows from shared effort and the humility to know that we won’t be the ideal partner either. Good enough in reality is better than perfection in fantasy.

The more we try to get life exactly right, the more we risk missing the actual living of it. We can spend so much time thinking and planning that we never quite step into the uncertainty of life. We don’t risk being seen, and we don’t let others in. And so we trade the excitement of discovery for the illusion of control.

French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote, “Existence precedes essence”. We aren’t handed meaning in advance. We create it through what we do, how we show up, and the choices we make. That applies as much to love as it does to life. Couples create their meaning together, step by step, moment by moment.

So rather than waiting to meet someone who fits the fantasy, the challenge is to take a leap of faith into the reality and build something imperfect but real.

We can think for as long as we like, but meaning only begins when we choose to act.

Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, e-mail [e-mail]. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.