Dear Thelma: I'm being bullied and criticised for being fat

Do you need a listening ear? Thelma is here to help. Email [e-mail].

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Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 / 014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999 / 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim’s family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 / email [e-mail] / befrienders centres in malaysia).

Dear Thelma,

I just wish I hadn't been born. Everybody just hates me and keeps criticising me and telling me how I should live my life, and what I should do.

They say I am fat and nobody will marry me, as if being fat is a crime.

They also say I have no brains, will never be a winner, and that I am not creative, talented or intelligent. They said I'm not fit to be in the design environment!

It makes me want to jump from a tall building and end all these criticisms and bullying.

In despair

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I see and share your anger. What an awful lot of nasty nonsense some people talk, right? It is upsetting but please don't kill yourself. Bullies do not get to define you; you do!

As you are suicidal, you need professional help. Not just for those immediate feelings but also because you need help figuring out what is going on and making positive change.

I can see two distinct and common possibilities.

First, it is possible that you are depressed and someone is mean to you. Normally, when someone is nasty, we are upset. However, depression magnifies trouble, kills everyday joys, and upsets sleep, energy and concentrating levels. Also, it can lead to catastrophising.

So it's possible that there is a lot of good in your life, but that a nasty episode from someone close to you is being magnified out of proportion by depression.

The second possibility is that you are in an abusive environment. If this is so, then the emotional abuse is long-term, consistent and may be coming from several people. This may be your peer group, your family or both.

Abusers want to control you. Therefore, they use personal attacks (like saying you look bad and have no skills) to make you doubt yourself.

On top of this, they try to control your finances. If you have money, abusers try and take it from you. If you have a job or study path, they try and sabotage your success.

I can't tell what's going on from your short note, but either way, please call the numbers above or find a private therapist and make an appointment for personal counselling.

As you wait for your first appointment, know that the first step forward is to assert some common sense and to blast the cruel and silly things you've been told.

You are a human being with your own needs. To say your only purpose is marriage is ridiculous; it's not 1500, it's 2023.

As for your career, your teachers will help you assess and shape your skills and talents so you can work in a field you like. That's what education is for.

Finally, bullies often mock bodies. If it's not curves, it's hair or colour or some other thing. My take is that you should ignore it.

I say this because of the other insults. Whoever is saying this, does not have your interests at heart. They're trying to hurt you by any means necessary.

Go and talk to a therapist, a person with at least a Masters Degree in Counselling, Psychology or Social Work who is skilled at helping clients with suicidal ideation, depression and abuse.

They will help you with your immediate thoughts and then work with you over several sessions to sort out what's going on and lay out options for making change.

If it's just depression and one or two nasty bullies, then fix the low mood and learn to spot and distance yourself from bad people. If it's abuse, you may need to do quite a bit of work, including removing yourself from your environment and finding a better one. It's doable, but it takes longer.

Please know that both situations are extremely common. Many people have a tough time but, with support and a clear plan, they work their way out of it.

You can do this! So please reach out for the happiness you deserve. Call those numbers now, and know I'll be thinking of you.