Extended family often remains 'family' even after divorce. Photo: Dreamstime/TNS
Question: My fiance has a two-year-old son and due to alternate work schedules, the child spends the days with my fiance and then nights with his mother. His ex-wife uses his mother as the main babysitter, even asking grandma to watch the child at her house because she is now attending law school and won’t be home until after bedtime. Is it wrong of me to think that my fiance's ex should find her own support system? I mean, grandma is my fiance's mother, not hers. What’s good ex-etiquette?
Answer: Grandma IS her support system. It’s not your side, my side, your support system, my support system.These parents are co-parenting the same child. Dad’s support system is in place and it’s working. Thank goodness mum, dad and grandma get that and put the child first!
As the new kid in town, it may be difficult to understand, but extended family often remains “family” even after divorce.The problem here is that you are the new partner, and it probably feels foreign to you for dad’s side of the family to openly interact with the ex. Just remember that the common denominator is the child. The more consistent parents can be with their parenting after divorce, the better it is for the children. That means if everyone still gets along, these parents are doing exactly what they should do by allowing grandma to stay active in their child’s life.
Some parenting plans do have a clause that states that both parents have the first right of refusal for child care. A designated amount of time, say three to four hours, is set and if the custodial parent needs help, he or she is obliged to call the other parent first. If the other parent declines, then they can call a babysitter of their choice. If a change to the status quo is important, that may be something your fiance might consider adding to his custody agreement. But, if mum and dad are making their decision in the best interest of their child, the consistency of being in grandma’s care is best.
Finally, reading between the lines, it sounds like this is more your problem than your fiance's. It is understandable if you would like things to be more autonomous, and that may happen down the road, but for now these parents have something in place that’s working. If you start meddling in a well-established agreement you may not get the results you expect. (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4, "Parents make the rules, bonus parents uphold them.")
The last person you want to alienate is your fiance’s mother and life will be miserable if you alienate his child’s mother. If you want to continue in this relationship, take a deep breath and join the party. Suggestions will be occasionally welcomed, but that’s after you have established trusted relationships with both grandma and the ex.
Put your two cents in too soon, and you will be undermining your future credibility. That's good ex-etiquette. – Tribune News Service
Dr Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.
