Having the emotional intelligence to say the right thing will win us friends. When we are aware of other people's emotions, we will be able to create meaningful conversations.
Great communicators have empathy – they are able to engage their audience in inspiring and motivating ways. We can be as gracious and charming with people as we are in everything else.
Being able to identify what someone else is feeling works towards building a meaningful dialogue. Seniors who are lonely will appreciate having someone to talk to. They long to have somebody listen to their woes, their challenges in life, their past glories, their pains and aches. Thus being a good listener also contributes to sustaining a conversation.
The empathy that grows from listening to others can influence our own state of mind and the course of action to take. In the Zulu wisdom of ubuntu – which means "a person is a person through other people" – we realise that we are impacted by the circumstances of those around us. Modern living is interconnected; we experience a shared humanity.
Some people are naturally interactive and have great interpersonal skills. They can talk to strangers, fellow commuters in a public transport, or fellow shoppers at grocery aisles.
When you open your heart and step beyond your comfort zone, people will open up to you. However, there are others who would shy away from making small talk, especially to people they are not familiar with. They prefer to stay "invisible".
When we focus on the person we are talking to, the conversation often moves onto a friendly plane, and even the most bashful person can open up to a conversation.
One way to engage in a conversation is to ask questions about something you know the other person is interested in. Chances are, they will talk animatedly about their hobby or something close to their heart, and you would have succeeded in making them enjoy the conversation.
Ever felt good after talking with a friend? When we can make others feel better with our words, we are said to leave a positive "emotional wake". Such a friend can lift you from a lousy mood by making you laugh or even by teasing you out of a joyless countenance. That is why a jovial and funny person is always such wonderful company. We call them joy-triggers or "radiators" because they radiate warmth and happiness.
We also need to be able to process our own emotions to make an impactful conversation with others. Understanding our own emotions on a topic helps to lead our conversation in the desired direction, and not get flustered or frustrated. Indeed, the ability to forge deep human connections and spread joy and goodwill, are our upsides against robots run on artificial intelligence.
Being fixated on the past bores the listener while talking at length about a person unknown to the other; it is the fastest way to make the other person lose interest in the conversation. You can tell from their body language that they can't wait to get away without being rude – shifting their stance, looking elsewhere or fidgeting with their hands.
Sometimes friendships fade through life experiences or simply through neglect or geographical distance. There is a way to reconnect as long as you wish to salvage the friendship. Very often just sending cards, messages or even writing a letter the old-fashioned way can help the friendship survive. Words do have the power to soften hearts while memories serve to revive connections formed years ago.
Then there are moments when words fail because our heart is overcome by emotions. Words seem so few when our heart is tied up in knots. These are moments when a hug, a clasp of the hand, a pat on the shoulder or a knowing nod, may work silently yet powerfully to touch the other person.
Sometimes small gestures like offering a cup of tea, a tissue, a squeeze of the hand, or just being there can give immeasurable comfort on rough days. Nothing beats the tangible human presence.
Talking to the bereaved is not easy when the grief is still raw. Delivering bad news is not easy, either. We need to choose our words carefully lest we add to the pain, and put ourselves in an awkward position. But eventually we need words to convey our empathy and sympathy even when words may seem hollow and inadequate. As the writer Toni Morrison said: "We do language, that may be the measure of our lives."
Every now and then, we get to meet someone who showers others with kindness – someone who has a smile on their face as a default countenance, is generous with their compliments, and say all the gracious things. They make us wonder where they get the glow, the flow, the shine, the lines, and the uncanny way of knowing what is important to us.
Truly, our success and our well-being are all connected to the people around us. The surrounding vibes are infectious and can pervade the psyche. Having the right conversations can transform our relationship with loved ones.
Each day, we have to pay attention to the people around us to notice the love that is within reach. Good intentions are not enough – we have to keep up with little acts of exhortation that say, "I'm here to catch you if you fall."
Then remember to forgive yourself for failing to see, for unkind thoughts that creep up from time to time, and for withholding love when you're in a self-righteous mood.
Lest we drift through our days consumed by social media, food options and where else to find entertainment, it would do ourselves much good to realise the value of human connections and make a positive difference from the very corner you are at now.
Perhaps you have postponed visiting a sibling who lives a good distance away, perhaps you've allowed an old friendship to wither through the lack of effort to connect, or perhaps you have been lackadaisical about sending cards and good wishes.
What mustn't be lost in this digital age is the passion to connect with loved ones and friends, especially during this festive season of love and giving.
Mary Eu is a retiree who has a passion for writing. When she is not prowling the shopping mall looking for a dress to scream into, she can be seen reading, writing or home decorating.
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