With the pandemic and several major global economic crises hitting in the last 25 years, it seems as though change is turbocharged. For seniors, grey divorce is a particularly hot topic.
In the 1970s and 80s, young people divorced but it was unusual to hear of pensioners splitting up. Today, it is not unusual to hear of 30-year marriages falling apart. So, how bad is it?
The concept of “grey divorce” was popularised in 2004 when the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) magazine interviewed 1,147 people and found a sharp increase in silver splits. While 73% divorced in their 40s, 22% were in their 50s, and another 4% were 60+.
Formal studies confirmed these trends. In 2022, researchers at Bowling Green State University, Ohio, the United States, found that fewer than one in 10 people divorcing in 1970, 1980, and 1990 were aged 50 or older. By 2019, one in three Americans getting divorced was 50 or older.
In conservative Malaysia, grey divorce is also increasing. In 2021, the Department of Statistics revealed the rate of divorce for people over 55 was 0.63% or 6.3 in 1,000.
Similarly, in Singapore, divorce rates for the over 50s was 0.315% or 3.15 in 1,000 in 2017. Similar increases are appearing in the UK, Canada, and Western Europe.
We don’t like change and people don’t throw away a marriage on impulse. So what’s going on?
What grabbed AARP headlines was that women were fuelling the change. Although frightened by the consequences, especially financial ones, they were leaving unhappy relationships. It was unexpected, with the study finding that 26% of men were blindsided by divorce compared to just 14% of women.
Interestingly, back in 1991, Nobuo Kurokawa, a medical doctor in Osaka, Japan, presented a paper to the Japanese Society of Psychosomatic Medicine describing a trend he’d spotted in Japanese Boomer marriages.
On husbands retiring, wives reported extreme stress issues including rashes, vomiting, and clinical depression.
Dr Nobuo’s findings suggested that Japanese husbands were spoilt and demanding. This was less of an issue when they were working long hours. However, when newly retired, they drove their wives to distraction.
There will be few marriages where there is so little human connection or care that one spouse drives the other into ill-health through emotional abuse. However, it suggests that contact and change are key.
When we first fall in love, it’s all about connection. We date, do fun things, and we talk. Marriage can change that, especially if you have kids.
Couples who have spent years focusing on career, paying bills and parenting may have lost sight of their partner. Having grown apart, being suddenly pushed back together in retirement can be a bit of a shock.
In the past, couples might be afraid to split due to the taboo of divorce. Few women had their own savings. Today, that taboo is less and there is more equity. In addition, the pandemic highlighted that life is short and unpredictable.
Lockdowns forced us to examine our lives, needs and aspirations. It’s too early to tell, but possibly the changes that have crept up on us over the last few decades will accelerate.
While leaving a relationship that isn’t working is perfectly reasonable, sense suggests that if the marriage started on a strong foundation, a bit of work might help rekindle the flame.
Here are some practical ways on how to go about it.
Time changes needs, so the first thing to do is to update your idea of what a happy relationship looks like.
Ideally there’s time for her, for him, and for us. When you encourage each other to have rich and fulfilling lives, you’ll have plenty to chat about when you’re together. Maybe you want to spend part of every day together or perhaps blocks of time suit you better.
Whatever it is, sketch out how it will look. Then focus on connecting.
List why they’re your blessing Familiarity breeds contempt. Shift your mindset away from moaning about the way your nearest and dearest hangs up their clothes on the floor and get cracking on highlighting their excellent qualities.
A list can be helpful.
Separate screens are divisive. Make snacks and get sunk into a miniseries. Or run a film marathon the way you did before the kids dominated the box. Bonus points: Watch horror films and cuddle!
Can you remember the first time you looked at each other and felt your breath catch? Or how you used to giggle on dates? Recreating the past in details is too stressful, so focus on what made it special. Whether it was the cinema or a road trip, going out and just having fun again will help you reconnect.
Badminton and table tennis clubs are everywhere. Sign up for classes or join a doubles league. Alternatively, dancing can boost romance, especially if you learn to waltz or salsa like mum and dad did.
If one of you cooks and the other is a gardening whizz, teaching each other can bring you closer together.
Most of all, be sure to have a good laugh. As author William Thackeray observed, a good laugh is sunshine in the house.
Ellen Whyte is a British-registered counsellor and psychotherapist who has a soft spot for cats. She founded an online practice in 2016, and works with clients in 20+ countries. Email her at ellen.whyte@gmail.com
Already a subscriber? Log in
Get 20% OFF The Star Digital Access
Cancel anytime. Ad-free. Unlimited access with perks.
