Until recently, punishment was widely considered an important part of socialising kids.
Parents believed that firm discipline created spiritual well-being. Many authorities preached, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
So when new parents inform family they have banned caning or even spanking, it can provoke tension and feelings of judgement. In some families, it sparks a quarrel that can tear generations apart.
Here’s how to talk constructively.
In the 1950s, scientific research suggested that corporal punishment has damaging effects. Initially controversial, evidence grew. Early MRI studies focused on extreme violence and abuse, but in the past two decades, physical evidence on various forms of punishment has emerged.
In 2009, Prof Dr Akemi Tomoda of the University of Fukui, Japan, and Harvard Medical School, the United States, led a team that investigated the effect of physical punishment on 1,455 young adults.
Brain scans showed that being caned or belted during childhood creates a stressful environment that affects brain development, especially the part linked to emotional regulation. It proved a connection between childhood punishment, brain development and increased aggression, depression, and addictive behaviours.
In addition, a 2021 study by Jorge Cuartas and a team at Harvard University examining brain images of 149 children found that an ordinary spanking affects brain development.
Surprisingly, a simple spanking and criminal abuse have a similar effect. This suggests it’s not the depth of violence that is significant, but simply that the violence takes place.
Cuartas and his team also noted that the kids who are spanked become sensitive to perceived threats. Spanked children are more likely to be anxious and less social.
Furthermore, smacking teaches kids that violence is acceptable. In fact, it’s a lesson that children pick up remarkably quickly.
In 2018, a team lead by Dr Elizabeth Gershoff at the University of Texas, the United States, studied 12,112 children. They found that five-year-olds who are spanked had issues with aggressive behaviour in the short term, a week later, as well as long-term, up to the ages of six and eight.
As a result, gentle parenting that promotes strong, ethical, consistent modelling is becoming mainstream.
The premise is simple. Parents lead by example, displaying the behaviour they want their kids to copy. They are calm, they listen, and, where appropriate, they explain why.
Discipline centres on promoting and encouraging wanted behaviour, as in “Well done, child, for putting away your toys” and ignoring or discouraging unwanted behaviour with mild consequences, as in “If you do not put away your toys now, we will put them away for the rest of the day”.
For old-school folks, this is a tremendous change. As with all innovations, there may be resistance and conflict.
Kids don’t come with a manual, and parenting is a complex skill. Put the two facts together, and the potential problems are clear.
Discussions about parenting can quickly devolve into fights about morality and personal worth with a dash of gender stereotypes.
Punishment is particularly difficult because parents feel they did their best, whereas kids remember the fear and pain.
Curiously, that is exactly why punishment was so popular. Pain can help adults control a child’s behaviour. But it comes at a cost: Violence degrades the victim and the perpetrator. It also puts a barrier between child and parent.
It is this barrier that needs to be addressed. Here’s how you can start talking.
Understand. Memories of being beaten typically include fear, helplessness and shame. Those emotions can linger.
Those who punished may feel it’s unfair to judge past actions in view of modern beliefs and newly available facts. They may also feel guilty. Or be afraid that they will be judged.
In addition, someone probably spanked them so this may open up old wounds for them, too.
Ditch blame. Foster an open, safe environment. Leave the philosophy of justice in the event of fresh evidence to the academics. Instead, focus on repairing, listening and understanding.
Start small. Difficult conversations are easier one on one. If you have a large family, consider personal talks first. Then, if you think it beneficial, open it up.
Say the hard words. When you’re ready, forgiving need not be complicated. We know now and we’re sorry. And I understand. I forgive you. Let’s move forward.
Bond over parenting. Parenting is the toughest gig in the world. Let it be a bridge for the generations to lean in for support.
Talk to a therapist. Therapy is a safe space, so it’s ideal for rehearsing. If the wounds go deep, or you think there may be a fight, book a session.
Most of all, try not to worry too much. Parenting is wildly controversial, and each generation quarrels. Gen Z are probably advocating systems right now that their kids and grandkids will judge them for.
This is a tough conversation, but millions of people get through it. As long as you foster warm and open conversations, you will build strong, happy relationships.
Ellen Whyte is a British-registered counsellor and psychotherapist who has a soft spot for cats. She founded an online practice in 2016, and works with clients in 20+ countries.
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