When she found out that her husband was cheating on her, Farah was devastated.
“It all started with Sam spending more time ‘at work’. He often didn’t come home until the wee hours of the morning, even during weekends,” says Farah.
Although that’s considered “normal” for someone in the advertising line, I started getting suspicious, says the 35-year-old.
Farah then decided to investigate.
“I showed up at Sam’s office when he said he would be working late. I even hired a private investigator,” she reveals. She found out he wasn’t where he said he’d be. Instead, he was with his lover.
Despite expecting the worst, Farah was still shocked, angry, hurt and upset all at once.
“All the words in the world can’t really describe how I felt at that moment. The pain of being betrayed and lied to made me feel that I could never trust again,” she says.
The couple are trying to work at their marriage and are going through marital counselling.
“When a third person meets a need that isn’t met within the marriage, that’s when it becomes an affair. This doesn’t just refer to physical needs, it can also be emotional needs,” says Johana.
“Often it’s not planned but happens simply because you started talking to a third person instead of the one you’re in a committed relationship with,” she adds.
Unrealistic expectations
Extra-marital affairs can be driven by unrealistic expectations, which often result in disillusionment with a relationship, says Johana.
“People often have the unrealistic expectations that married couples don’t fight. But when couples don’t discuss and communicate correctly, suppressed anger or unresolved conflict can lead to issues in the marriage, resulting in one or both partners seeking solace elsewhere,” she says. “So it’s alright to agree to disagree.”
However, cheating on a spouse, regardless of the reasons, is damaging: it is the betrayal of a spousal relationship which may destroy a family, says couples and family therapist, and Marital and Family Therapy Association Malaysia vice-president Bawany Chinapan.
“An affair is a maladaptive way to cope with issues that develop during the course of a marriage which aren’t resolved. And, not all affairs are the same,” she says.
Marriage is more than just feelings, it’s also a decision to be committed to your partner, says Johana.
“If you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse or there’s a loss of commitment towards the relationship, it could lead to infidelity,” she says.
As a couple grows older, some of their physical needs might also not be met like in their younger days, she adds.
“This could be for many reasons but when this happens, the partner whose needs aren’t met might look elsewhere.
“If you feel there is a lack in your marriage or if your needs are not met, communicate with your spouse first. If there are conflicts, learn to talk about it.
“This is why marriage counselling or couples therapy is important. Focus on building a good relationship so that you won’t need fulfillment from a third party,” says Johana.
Counselling, she says, will help a couple look at what caused them to seek for attention from a third party outside their marriage.
One problem could be that the couple speaks a different “love language”, says Johana.
“Learn your partner’s love language and how they want to be loved. Marriage is a lifelong journey so you should never stop learning about each other,” she says.
Time and attention, she says, are basic needs and they make a person feel valued and needed.
And if their spouse doesn’t give this to them because they’re distracted with responsibilities and commitments, or if the couple doesn’t have a common hobby or activity that they can both enjoy together, the chances of turning to a third person is higher.
Unhealthy marriage
Infidelity happens because a marriage isn’t healthy in the first place, says Bawany.
“When a marriage is healthy, the chances of an extramarital affair occuring is lower,” she says.
“Most people blame only the person who had the affair, but a marriage is unhealthy first before an affair even happens.
“So you’ve to look at both parties because it takes two to contribute to a marriage that has become become unhealthy... before a third party can even open the door to infidelity,” she adds.
And, it’s not just men who cheat, but also women, says Bawany.
“Everyone needs emotional connection with and validation from their partner, so if there’s a disconnection emotionally, they’ll tend to seek it elsewhere.
“Also, if there’s conflict in a marriage or one partner feels dissatisfied or alienated in the relationship, they’ll look for the emotional connection outside,” she adds.
Emotional turmoil
Affairs cause so much devastation in a relationship. They are considered a relationship trauma, causing the injured spouse to feel betrayed and lose all trust in the one who had the affair. It is a deal breaker that can result in a divorce, says Bawany.
It’s normal for the betrayed spouse to go through several stages of emotional turmoil upon discovering their partner has had an affair.
“Betrayal is one of the most difficult feelings one can experience; the hurt and pain cuts to the core of a person, and their whole world comes crumbling down,” she says.
“It’s usual for the betrayed spouse to go through a rollercoaster of intense emotions, very similar to grief: shock, disbelief, anger, rage, shame, deep sadness, hurt, pain and fear,” she adds.
According to the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass study, the betrayed person goes through five stages which might not occur in a particular order: denial (minimising the pain), anger, bargaining (trying to regain control), depression, acceptance, and they are likely to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Seeking marital counselling and therapy helps a couple to get through the phases and reconcile should they choose to, says Bawany.
“What a couple decides to do depends on their upbringing, values, faith or religion, and what they still cherish about their spouse,” she says. “It also depends whether the betrayed party is able to forgive and trust their spouse again.”
“Whether the marriage will survive the affair also depends on the two partners’ attachment bond. This is determined by their upbringing and how their parents were, and will affect how they respond to the situation,” says Bawany.
According to Ainsworth’s Attachment Theory, there are three main styles of attachment: secure, ambivalent-insecure, avoidant-insecure with a fourth style later discovered by other researchers: disorganised-insecure.
These attachment styles help predict behaviours when a person is grown up. Adults with a secure attachment style tend to have lasting relationships while those with insecure attachment styles might have more temporary relationships.
“When a person is very secure, the chances of them recovering from the betrayal, forgiving their spouse, and moving on, is higher,” she says.
To stay or to go
Ideally, a couple facing the issue of infidelity should see a professional marriage counsellor or couples therapist who will walk them through managing the betrayal.
“Whether the couple decides to stay together or not is an emotion-laden decision," says Bawany. “Many couples who want to work it out cite children as the reason. But it’s important that they want to work at the relationship for themselves as a couple, and not just because of the children.”
Johana says that if it was a one-off mistake – the offending partner doesn’t intend to pursue the third party, he/she shows remorse and is willing to change – then the chances of reconciliation is higher.
Bawany recommends discernment counselling as an option for couples who have children, if they are considering a divorce. Discernment counselling is when the counsellor helps the couple look into unresolved issues in their marriage and helps repair them.
“After six months of therapy, they’ll be more ready to decide whether they wish to stay in or exit the marriage,” she says.
“If they decide to stay, it’s important to identify the reason for the affair and work at repairing the relationship and rebuilding trust. As responsible parents, the ex-spouses need to maintain an amicable relationship for the healthy upbringing of their children,” she concludes.
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