A marriage is a coming together of two people and in the partnership, both parties need to be happy. If there is a disagreement or conflict, a couple needs to work things out, decide on the best solution and move forward together, says Karen Lai, women’s rights activist and programme director of Women’s Centre for Change (WCC), Penang.
“This can be done through constructive communication and then deciding how to proceed,” she says.
However, in keeping with human rights principles, working things out should never be based on physical coercion or violence. There shouldn’t also be mental or emotional coercion, she says.
Violence, no matter the circumstances, is never acceptable, she emphasises.
The deputy minister’s comments had raised concerns among rights activists as well as Malaysians who remarked that her comments send a very wrong message that violence in a marriage is acceptable, when it’s not, says Lai.
While disagreements in a marriage or relationship are not unusual – in fact, they have reportedly heightened since the pandemic – violence or physical aggression should never be a recourse.
A 2015 study on conflict resolution among Malaysian married couples, titled Exploring new patterns of interaction during conflict among married individuals in Malaysia found three distinctive interaction patterns among married individuals in Malaysia: These are the constructive approach, destructive approach and avoidance.
Universiti Sains Malaysia researchers Hasrina Mustafa, Nor Hazlina Hashim and Marshina Juliza Mohd found that the most common strategy employed was the constructive approach where couples clarify their expectations through communication.
However, avoidance of issues that cause conflict is also very prevalent among Malaysian couples and this is largely because of patriachal norms that lead women to defer to their husbands, the researchers say.
“Malaysian women still abide by traditional, cultural and religious values where the husband is the head of the household and is considered one notch above.
“Giving in or walking away when a conflict occurs are examples of avoidance patterns and probably the way wives may defer to their husbands. Apart from religious obligations, sometimes couples feel the safest way to overcome prolonged conflict is by avoiding any discussion about it. The couple will have the tendency to avoid talking about issues (which can) trigger conflict and this creates emotional distance.
“Such couples may have difficulties in resolving conflicts and live in distress,” the study says.
However, it is the destructive communication patterns among Malaysian families that the researchers identify as a “major concern” as it may lead to violence.
“If dissatisfaction continues to exist in a relationship, it may trigger physical assaults and violence. Children raised in a family where the father commits violent acts towards the mother may adopt a similar pattern when dealing with conflicts. Problems become more complicated when there is violence involved,” the researchers said.
For Lai and many others, the Deputy Women’s Minister’s remarks were problematic because it sends out a very wrong message about the sort of behaviour that men are “entitled to”.
“Coercion can take many forms, not just physical. There is also mental and emotional coercion where you manipulate or abuse your wife to make them comply with your wishes and that’s not acceptable,” she says.
While Joint Action Group for Gender Equality (JAG) has called for the resignation of Datuk Siti Zailah as the deputy minister in the Women’s Ministry, an issue that needs to be addressed is the patriarchial worldview that accords husbands “authority” in a marriage.
Sisters In Islam communications officer Aleza Othman says that Datuk Siti Zailah’s statement is dangerous and misleading.
“The verse that Siti Zailah is referring to in her video can be misunderstood if taken out of context. Any interpretation of the Quran must be in accordance with the Islamic principle of ‘do no harm’,” says Aleza.
“The Quran recognises equality. It also teaches ‘love and mercy’ between men and women, that men and women are ‘like each other’s garment’, and ‘protectors of one another’,” she says.
“A woman’s position in a marriage is that of an equal with her husband. Both wife and husband play a role in sustaining harmony in their marriage.
“In Islam, the ideal relationship between a husband and wife is built together through mutual friendship and affection (mu’asyarah) and what is considered good and reasonable (ma’ruf) according to religious principles and societal values,” she adds.
Communicate, work things out
A couple, she says, needs to know their expectations of each other and understand one another’s “love language”.
“Before you get married, you need to be prepared. For Muslims, there is the Kursus Perkahwinan which couples have to go through before they get married which explains the rights and responsibilities of each spouse.
“In addition to this pre-marital course, it’s also good to go for pre-marital counselling to discuss one’s expectations in the marriage.
“For non-Muslims, there is also pre-marital counselling offered by other organisations.
“A lot of times, a couple gets swept up by the ‘falling in love’ bit. But they fail to discuss what are the expectations they have of each other from the marriage union,” says Johana who is the founder of MY Confidential Association of Private Counsellors.
Through counselling sessions, a couple will be able to discover the love languages of their future spouse and how to handle life events that may occur during their marriage, she says.
“For example, if one spouse has to be relocated for work, will the other go along, or will they opt for a long distance relationship?
“Such expectations need to be discussed or it will become a problem before they even get married,” she says.
“Also, what is acceptable in one family may be considered rude in another.
“These are also things that need to be discussed in the premarital counselling,” she adds.
Counselling and discussing issues is important to prevent any incidences that could lead to violence, she says.
“Communication is important. Since the couple both come from different family cultures, they need to communicate in order to understand each other.
Most people who are in relationships tend to communicate in the language of their family of origin – they show love the way they’ve seen it being communicated around them.
But, says Johana, in a relationship, couples need to find a language that is common to both of them and develop their love language.
“We may think that we are showing love to someone but they may not feel loved simply because the way their parents show love is very different. So you’ll need to learn how to make them feel loved,” she says.
“For example, when they say shush or hush, is that considered rude or is it acceptable to you? Tell them.
“These little things may be considered trivial but such things might build up, cause annoyance and eventually erupt,” she explains.
“The currency of love has to be a fair exchange,” she adds.
Johanna says that even though there are many resources for couples who need help getting through conflict in a marriage, not everyone is willing to spend on counselling.
“People often spend on expensive meals or outfits but not for counselling even if it is to save their marriage,” she says.
Violence, never
Whether couples choose to go for counselling or not, patience and open communication with a spouse is crucial. As is respect.
“When there is a disagreement, it’s important to have a time out to cool down and think things through before approaching the subject again and discussing it.
“Then, tell each other what they did wrong and why you’re unhappy. Only then can you come to a resolution.
“Under no circumstances should you “beat” your wife – “whether it’s lightly or not – or whether it’s with a toothbrush or a handkerchief.
““It’s important to resolve the conflict before it gets to that stage,” says Johanna.
It is also crucial to keep an open mind and try to see things from each other’s perspective and be committed to resolving the conflict or problems that you are facing, says Aleza.
“However, under no circumstances does being patient in a marriage mean that a wife must be patient with her husband’s violent behaviour. Violence is violence and it can’t be justified,” she concludes.
Already a subscriber? Log in
Get 20% OFF The Star Digital Access
Cancel anytime. Ad-free. Unlimited access with perks.
