When parents divorce, their children’s world is badly shaken. It’s important that the kids have something stable to hold on to at this testing time, and that’s where Grandma and Grandpa can really come into their own.
“Provided the children have a good relationship with them, grandparents can serve as an anchor, ” says family therapist Hans Dusolt.
Nothing’s changed with Grandma and Grandpa, which is reassuring. They’re also some distance from home, where everything’s at sixes and sevens. This gives kids space to talk about their feelings.
“Children sometimes leave Mum and Dad alone, intuitively sensing that they’re extremely preoccupied, ” says Gertrud Ganser, a pastoral counsellor. Grandparents can specifically ask their grandchildren what effect the situation is having on them.
Depending on their age, children tend to handle a breakup differently.“Young children see themselves much more intertwined with what’s happening around them, so they often get the notion that they caused the split, ” Ganser says, adding that grandparents can disabuse them of their feelings of guilt.
Adolescents, on the other hand, are more reflective and better able to express themselves. “They’re also more capable of maintaining independent contact with their mother and father, ” the counsellor remarks. Grandparents are not only helpful when children want to talk, but also when they’d rather stay silent.
No matter what their age, almost all children would like their parents to reconcile, notes Bjoern Enno Hermans, chairman of the German Association for Systemic Therapy, Counselling and Family Therapy (DGSF). Nevertheless, grandparents shouldn’t try to save the marriage, he says.
And although they’re likely inclined to take sides with their own child, they shouldn’t try to exert partisan influence over the grandchildren.
Comments like, “Your dad never had time for you” or, “Your mum was always overprotective” are misguided, Dusolt says, because “they make the children think they’ve got to decide who’s right, or who the better parent is. We know, though, that children need both parents after a divorce.”
Grandparents can’t stop the pain and sadness that comes when parents go separate ways. “And they shouldn’t act as if coping is easy, ” Dusolt says. “They’ll be of greater help if they admit that it’s hard and that they also cry about the breakup sometimes.”
At the same time, Ganser says, grandparents should regularly allow themselves and the grandchildren problem-free zones.
All of the experts emphasise that while children of divorce deserve sympathy, they shouldn’t be treated like victims. By unduly coddling them, Ganser says, “you’re telling them they’re in a miserable situation and that you don’t think they can handle it.”
It’s better, she points out, to acknowledge the difficulty but also to trust the children’s ability to deal with it.
What’s more, grandparents shouldn’t try to be their grandchildren’s “better parents”, nor should they let themselves be nudged into this role by the grandchildren. When parents divorce, the grandparents – many of whom are still working in their occupations and have busy schedules – are at risk of becoming overextended.
“Overloading yourself isn’t good, ” Hermans says. “It’s important to realistically assess and apply your energy and resources.” – dpa/Christina Bachmann
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