Finding that final resting place, and more

There is much to be done in preparing for a proper send-off for a loved one.

OF late, the family has been in a hurry checking out real estate. What we were interested in was a pretty small plot of land, just big enough for two people.

After visiting a couple of places, we found what we were looking for, a 216 sq ft piece of land that will be the final resting place of two very important people in the family – our parents.

Yes, this 12 ft x 18 ft piece of land is a double grave plot for them. As long-time readers may know, my father passed away nine years ago in 2016 and he was cremated. His ashes are in an urn that I have been keeping. All the while, the expectation was that after Mum passes, we would scatter their ashes together.

But that long held expectation took a different turn when Mum, who is 91 and suffering from severe dementia, was hospitalised in February for unspecified pneumonia. She was discharged six days later but has since remained in a very fragile state.

Her geriatrician, Dr Khor, made it clear to us that she could leave us any time. That was no surprise as we have seen her rapid decline over the last three or four years. Yet, she has held on even as she lost all her cognitive abilities and motor skills. But now, there is no denying that she is truly at the end stage of her life and we have to make preparations for it.

This stark reality jolted my oldest sister badly. She suddenly remembered that years ago, before dementia set in, Mum had told her that she didn’t want to be cremated as she feared it would be painful.

She called for a siblings video meeting since we were in three countries, and insisted we must honour our mother’s wishes. What’s more, Mum is Catholic and the Catholic Church still prefers burials in keeping with the belief in the resurrection of the body. While cremation is permissible, the ashes must not be scattered but be kept in a proper place like a columbarium.

Our dad was Anglican so we children were more Protestant in our faith and were not familiar with the Catholic traditions. Besides, after I wrote an extensive feature on the exhumation, cremation and relocation of my paternal grandparents’ and aunt’s remains from the Bidadari Christian cemetery in Singapore in 2001, I had come to the conclusion that graveyards did not necessarily offer a true final resting place.

The Bidadari cemetery, which dated back to 1907, had to make way for housing needs. Another thing that struck me about the cemetery was that most of the graves were overgrown and unkempt because the descendants of the deceased had moved away or had little attachment for their long dead ancestors.

It seemed more practical to cremate and scatter the ashes. That was what our Dad, who never liked being fussed over, wanted.

As most of my siblings are overseas, we wanted to ask the grandchildren their views. They responded, saying if that was what grandma wanted, then they would support it and visit the grave to remember the old folk.

And that has kept me quite busy the last several weeks. As it is well known, burial plots for non-Muslims are expensive as there are few, if any, public cemeteries left for them. So, the only option is to buy plots from commercially-run ones.

To be fair, these bereavement companies offer funeral services and graves that are very comprehensive and professional but undoubtedly very profit-driven.

The cemetery we decided on is located near Klang. We chose a lot in the Christian section on elevated ground. We were not particular about the feng shui, but we still wanted a nice spot, not so much for the deceased but for the living so that visits to grandparents would be quite a pleasant excursion.

At first we thought we could just buy a single lot for Mum and place Dad’s urn in it as well. Ha! The cemetery people would have none of it. A single plot meant just that, and only one name would be allowed to be inscribed on the tombstone. So we had to buy a double lot even if Dad would take only a little bit of space next to Mum.

For that tiny piece of real estate, we had to pay more than RM56,000 after some discounts. Apparently, this is considered cheap because the lots at higher elevations and with superb feng shui are way more expensive.

That’s not the end of it. We still had to pay another RM45,000 or so to lay the foundation, surrounding walls and tombstone. We had a choice of two types of granite – grey or black. We were encouraged to construct it all to lock in the price.

There is still more to do. To hold a Catholic funeral for Mum, a priest must preside over the rituals and prayers, and permission be given for the casket to be taken to a church for the funeral mass. Again, because we are not Catholics, we relied on friends who are to advise us.

But here’s the catch. We need to prove that Mum is a Catholic and the church will want to see her baptism certificate. Unfortunately, we have never seen this 90-year-old document.

Mum was born in Kuala Lumpur, but her family moved to Ipoh later. It occurred to us that if we could not find this certificate, then perhaps her siblings might have theirs. We were sure of this because our maternal grandmother was an orphan raised by nuns in Convent Bukit Nanas, and she remained a devout Catholic all her life. She would have made sure all her children were baptised.

I contacted my Ipoh cousins and so far they have helped me trace the baptism certificates of three of Mum’s siblings, two brothers and sister, from the Holy Rosary Church in Brickfields, Kuala Lumpur.

I had earlier contacted the church office clerk if she could find Mum’s baptism record, but she couldn’t. But I plan to make a visit to ask to go through the register myself because it must be a most arduous task to go through pages of handwritten notes in what must be very old and dusty books.

We have also decided on the clothes for Mum’s final journey. We chose an elegant top with classic Chinese collar and matching skirt in a golden-hue fabric that was tailored for her 71st birthday.

My siblings and I are doing all this ahead of time while we are calm and rational. We know that when the moment comes, it will be hard to plan and prepare while in a state of overwhelming grief and sorrow. The only solace is that Mum will be free from her suffering and be reunited with Dad.

The views expressed here are the writer's own.