Emotional connection and school violence

We cannot let school violence like in the US become normalised here, says the writer. —Getty Images/AFP

LOOK  back to understand, not to blame.

Look forward more to prevent, than to punish. 

I believe these two principles best inform productive ways to think and talk about the deeply tragic Bandar Utama school stabbing. 

I cannot possibly imagine the immense pain endured by the victim’s family. Their feelings and welfare should be very closely guarded. 

Our next priority is: how can we minimise the chances of something like this ever happening again?

This question is likely to spark a lot of passionate debate; because answering it requires an interpretation of how something like this came to happen. 

The most accurate answer is likely: there is no one answer. 

Equally, there is no one "fix"/ to the problem. It will invariably be multi-pronged and multi-faceted.

For today, I wanted to focus primarily on a few things.

Firstly, the relationship and emotional connections between children and adults, primarily their parents. 

Secondly, the phenomenon of how screen-based worlds can become more real than reality-based worlds. 

Thirdly, how a number of mass shooting incidences in America were referenced in the incident, and what we should be thinking about, now that this kind of violence has reached our shores. 

As we examine the first issue, I must reiterate again: I never, ever believe in blame or finger pointing. But it is important and useful to learn from what has happened. 

Some quotes from early news coverage: 

“(The father of the boy) said his son was introverted and usually quiet.”

“He said the boy did not show any signs of abnormal behaviour.

“He added that although his son's academic performance was relatively weak and he might not have paid much attention in class, he was generally not a troublemaker.”

The father was also quoted as saying: “My son is quiet and introverted. Even if something happened at school – whether he was bullied or not – he would never tell me.”

How many children do we know fit this description? 

Without being alarmist, and certainly without blaming this particular father, perhaps this is an opportunity for parents and adults to think and reflect on children they know who are also withdrawn and not very communicative. 

This is certainly not a witch hunt; it is integral that it must be the opposite of that. If not, we will achieve the exact opposite result, and further alienate such children, increasing the risk of something bad happening.

Obviously, just because a child is withdrawn and quiet, doesn’t mean they are inclined towards violence. 

This is an extremely delicate matter that must be handled with compassion and sensitivity. I do not believe caning, other corporal punishment, or anything in that neighbourhood will help these situations in any meaningful way.

What I believe will help, is parents and adults forming meaningful emotional connections with children – the kinds of connections that can slowly break down walls of isolation. 

This is especially true for children who tend to be a little withdrawn and who seem to have difficulty talking about their feelings, and doubly true for children we feel might be experiencing a lot of anger. 

A child who cannot talk about their feelings is in a place of deep hurt, and runs the risk of feeling increasingly estranged, disconnected, and desperate. 

All human beings crave that human connection. The feeling of wanting to feel seen, heard, understood, and loved. 

The way the world is evolving can make it harder and harder for all of us, especially children, to find and build those connections. 

Having those connections makes us compassionate, loving humans.

Lacking those connections can make us behave in ways that hurt other people. 

So perhaps some key questions adults should be asking is: are the children in our lives feeling emotionally connected? 

Do they have someone they can talk to about their feelings?

If they were being bullied, or experiencing any kind of emotional distress, would they have someone to talk to?

Are we creating the kind of environment, and building the kinds of relationships and dynamics that create a safe, welcoming space for children to express themselves?

It is another human truth that when we – adult or children – cannot get what they need from one place, we will seek it in another place. 

Sometimes, what we seek or need is as simple as attention and validation. Just a feeling that someone knows and understands and accepts how we feel inside – even, or especially, when what we feel inside is rejection, a lack of acceptance or belonging in the world as well as the anger and rage those feelings generate. 

If we find it difficult to provide this space and experience for our children, then reach out and get help. There are many resources available, such as therapists, counsellors, and so on. 

This brings us to the second issue: online screen-based worlds versus reality-based worlds. 

When a child is unable to form meaningful and healthy connections in reality-based worlds, it is likely that they will turn to screen-based worlds – especially if those screen-based worlds are providing something that resembles the emotional connection, validation, resonance that they have been seeking. 

That need for emotional connection and validation is one of the greatest drivers in almost any human’s life. 

Put another way: if a child does not feel understood by people in their reality-based world, who can blame them for seeking to feel understood in a screen-based world. 

When dying of hunger and thirst, anyone will run to the nearest source of anything that resembles food and water - no matter how poisonous it may actually be. 

And today, there is absolutely no shortage of poisonous material online that is tailored precisely to provide a sense of screen-based validation, acceptance, and understanding, for children who are feeling rejected by the real world around them.

There is no lack of online communities that feed and amplify these feelings into anger and rage. I personally do not believe it helpful or productive to talk derisively about ‘incels’ and such, as the term seems to imply judgement and likely creates more distance, when what we want instead is to close the gap. 

Then there is all kinds of fictional content that speak to isolationism and glorify violence as a response, creating various subcultures that feed into the kind of emotional distress these children experience.

I suspect that in their lives, many children feel like "losers"; like their existence fails to live up to some kind of mark. Maybe they feel that some others are living so ‘high above’ them, and that they are being treated by others as being far below and less than. 

This leads to big self-esteem problems, which in turn feeds anger and rage. 

These are terrible feelings to carry around. And if a child is not given what they need to help navigate these feelings, they turn to screen-based worlds, which give them something very different, in the guise of understanding, validation, and self-worth. 

I do not have very strong opinions about banning access to smartphones or social media for children under a certain age; I lean a little bit towards the point of view that blocking or banning is not the primary solution to the problem. 

Instead of subtracting things, I believe the more important solutions lie in adding things. 

We are in competition with poisonous screen-based worlds. And trying to kill the competition alone will not be sufficient. We must provide alternatives. 

If the poison of screen-based worlds provides one kind of narrative, we must provide a compelling alternative.

If children turn to screen-based worlds because they have no other way to process their anger, we must give children healthier ways to process their anger. 

We must show them that it’s okay to be angry, because anger is just one of many emotions. But also that there are different ways to process that anger and come to terms with it. 

As another aside, it may be worth noting how common it is nowadays that screens are essentially used as babysitters.

I understand that childcare is exhausting and expensive. But if we constantly use screens to simply keep children quiet so they won’t be a bother, there is another price we will pay later down the road – especially in terms of their attention span, their perception of reality, and whether their worlds are screen-based or reality-based. 

I know all this is much, much easier said than done. But this is the task and duty that lies before us. And I believe that ultimately, these solutions will play a greater role, than simply trying to threaten punishments or ban things. 

The Bandar Utama incident reportedly referenced a number of mass shootings in America. 

I still find it hard to believe that guns are the leading cause of death for children in America – ahead of road accidents, disease, and so on. 

When it comes to mass shootings, people often compare Australia and America. 

After the 1996 Port Arthur massacre in Australia, the country took vigorous proactive steps with regards to gun control, and there has been almost no mass shootings in Australia since. 

In America, even after the deadly, tragic shootings in Columbine and Sandy Hook, precious little has been done on gun control. 

One of my biggest fears concerns how such mass shootings have to an extent become ‘normalised’ in America. It is part of the public consciousness. It becomes a mental ‘go-to’, for individuals who cannot deal with life or integrate into it, precisely because it has happened so many times. 

We now run the risk of this kind of tragedy entering into Malaysian public consciousness; of it becoming a ‘go-to’ in the minds of children or individuals who are finding it equally difficult to be a part of a reality-based world. Whether or not that happens is now up to us. 

Malaysia is blessed in not having a gun problem. But we are now facing an inflection point, of whether we choose to handle this kind of violence intelligently and decisively, like Australia. Or if we end up like America. 

That said, we must also be careful not to engage in kneejerk reactions – especially those too focused on punishment and banning. 

A more holistic approach based on the above could be the key to true prevention of any such future tragedies. 

Nathaniel Tan is communications consultant. He is open to talking to parents about these problems, and can be reached at [e-mail]. The views expressed here are solely the writer's own.