I am an addict

I am an addict.

I had an urge to write about this today, but it took me a while to figure out what the purpose of the article should be.

I suppose it is this: I need help.

Maybe writing this out will help me get some of this help. Maybe in some small way it will help others get help. Maybe it will help us help each other.

As a reader, I know it’ll be a constant distraction if I don’t mention what exactly I am addicted to.

Addicts are often addicted to more than one thing. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about all of my addictions, but for today, we can probably at least talk about my addiction to computer gaming.

Many of the things below apply to multiple things I and others are addicted to. They all have unique flavours and dynamics, but I get the sense that most addictions share some core characteristics.

I guess one of the clearest indicators that I had become an addict was the way in which I used things like gaming to escape, and while I can't write about all the things I was trying to escape as some are too personal, I was trying to escape what I perceived to be my inability to move my work forward in the way I wanted to.

I was trying to escape frustrations with my lack of success in achieving goals.

I realise I can get discouraged by setbacks quite easily, which feeds into despondency, which feeds into severe procrastination and avoidance.

And I was trying to escape a whole slew of other emotions - fear and a sense of failure being high on that list.

The ‘best’ part about gaming for me was how incredibly immersive it is. While gaming, it was almost impossible to think about anything else. I think this was one of the most drug-like effects it had on me. In those hours, my problems couldn’t be further away.

In my mind previously, gaming was a way to "re-centre". When I was in a state of agitation, frustration, or other extremely uncomfortable uncertainty, it would often be my first go-to.

It would "help" me be completely separated from whatever troubles were berating me in my head, and I would find "respite" that seemed comforting.

I’ve only very recently admitted that this is probably how many people treat substances like drugs and alcohol.

The science of making games addictive is precisely that: a science. A very advanced science in which I imagine millions has been poured in, and which has generated maybe billions back in profit.

It has never ceased to amaze me, how game designers build in quests and unlockable achievements within games that are - at the end of the day - shockingly meaningless. The rewards can be so incredibly empty and devoid of any true value, but that doesn’t stop me at all from eagerly chasing them. I could spend hours or days trying to reach a certain target - for a ‘reward’ that can only be described as truly having no real significance or value.

I realise of course, that a lot of this had to do with feeling a sense of accomplishment. And I used this as a replacement, given how I felt I was failing more and more at accomplishing things of real value, in the real world.

The other draw of gaming of course are the high-octane, high-energy thrills involved.

Games are designed to be extremely exciting and to pump high levels of adrenaline. I’ve always said, there’s nothing quite so gratifying as seeing the amount of gold bounty rising from your enemy’s dead body.

Only very recently as well, I’m starting to see the multi-layered ill effects this is having on my life.

It reminds of the manner in which the phenomenon of ‘parenting by screen’ is creating several developmental learning disorders among children; when a child’s primary input comes from something like Youtube, their brain and their output can develop quite differently compared to a child whose primary input are face-to-face interactions with their parents and other humans.

Similarly, when ‘high octane’ becomes par for the course, the rest of life can seem painfully boring and slow moving at times. This can be a ‘gateway drug’ to more high risk and self-destructive behaviour.

And having said that, the term "gateway drug" is also a gateway to another obvious analogy. From what little I understand, I imagine the high you get from drugs or alcohol can make the rest of life seem very "low" by comparison.

Even as I write these very words, I’m struggling with that right now. Writing is fun, but killing your friends and killing with your friends online is a whole lot more fun. Chasing those quests and levels is a lot more fun.

I’m not sure I feel it deep inside on the most important levels yet, but some part of my brain probably acknowledges that such concepts of "fun" are inherently illusory and unsustainable. Other parts tell me that only weak men abstain from indulging all their desires.

It’s an ongoing struggle, but the good news is that I - or anyone else facing these struggles - don’t have to do it alone.

Know that there are always people willing to help. The luckier among us have good friends and family. I know that the only reason I’m not playing right now is because of friends and family.

There are mental health professionals, and the world has a long history of addicts helping one another, most famously through Twelve Step Programmes, many of which are active right here in Malaysia.

As far as I’ve understood so far, a key tenet of these Twelve Step Programs is to admit that we can’t overcome these problems by ourselves. Thinking we can has probably been seen to be one of the most sure fire ways to relapse.

So, especially in a time where health concerns can often make us feel especially isolated, I figured the more people know, the more chances I can get help, and have more people to feel accountable to in a positive and encouraging way.

As a brief aside, if your loved one is suffering from something similar, please also know that you are not alone. Just as there is a huge ecosystem out there for addicts and those with other mental health challenges, there is a huge ecosystem for those caring for such people. It’s a big, very sincere community, full of people always willing to help. Do a little Googling, or let me know if it’s proving difficult to find help.

I’ll leave you with two videos that I have always kept coming back to on this theme. One is about the nature of addiction from the TV Series The West Wing, in which a White House staff member has been fired for leaking details about someone’s alcohol and drug addiction, while the second one is an indirectly relevant clip, significant mainly for how the very last sentence alludes to the best - possibly the only - way to manage these challenges.

Thank you in advance for all your help!

NATHANIEL TAN is grateful for family, and friends - old and new. He can be reached at [e-mail].