Depression strikes millions, but in its darkest form, it drives fathers to destroy what they love most – their own families. Friends and family can identify these cognitive shifts early, particularly “learned helplessness”, the psychological state arising from repeated uncontrollable stressors, thereby averting tragedies.
"Learned helplessness”, a term coined by psychologist Martin Seligman in the late 1960s, happens when someone faces repeated uncontrollable problems like job loss, mounting debt, or family pressures they can't fix. Consider a father passed over for promotion year after year. After a while, he stops applying effort, stops asking for raises, even when a new boss arrives who might listen. Or a family member whose opinions get ignored at every gathering eventually stops speaking up entirely.
The brain learns "nothing works," killing motivation and trapping people in passivity and despair, even when escape appears. This breeds chronic sadness, poor focus and giving up on goals. It explains why some endure abuse, poverty, or dead-end jobs without fighting back. For most, withdrawal follows. But in severe cases, it darkens further, making death the only perceived escape for all.
Mental health cases have nearly doubled among Malaysian adults since 2019, reaching 29.2% according to National Health and Morbidity Survey data. Men are raised to endure silently as providers hide pain until financial stress overwhelms them. These same pressures build early in university students, who carry them forward as tomorrow's family providers.
NHMS 2023 data reveal that one million Malaysians aged 16 and above now live with depression, while the Malaysian Youth Mental Health Index 2023 (MyMHI'23) finds that six in 10 youths aged 15-30 battling mild-to-severe depressive symptoms and three in 10 are experiencing moderate-to-severe anxiety.
On another note, Malaysia's "tahan saja" culture severely impacts male mental health, stopping providers from seeking help despite clear warning signs.
Talian HEAL 15555 calls doubled to 90,981 in 2025, but men aged 18-35, carrying the heaviest provider burdens call least. Early contact halves suicide risk, yet cultural norms delay action until crisis strikes.
These combined pressures and cultural barriers transform learned helplessness into three specific cognitive distortions.
- Disaster feels certain: Endless negative thoughts lock the mind, unlike everyday stress that comes and goes. Normal worry ("I hope we pay the bills this month") turns into fact ("We will lose the house");
- Love becomes deadly: They believe death "saves" their family from suffering – "Better off without my failure." Studies show 68% of these fathers never showed violence before;
- No time left: They lose all sense of future beyond days or weeks, compressing months of normal planning into a frantic 4-6 week rush. These aren't gradual worries.
The entire way of thinking flips suddenly, like a switch. These patterns cluster together, setting them apart from routine strain.
From twisted thoughts to dangerous actions
These mental flips don't stay inside the head. They quickly show up as behaviours anyone can notice. Disaster thinking leads to obsessive talk about money ruin, pulling families into the gloom. The "deadly love" distortion appears when casual remarks turn chilling: "The
kids would be better off without me." Losing time sense shows in frantic checking of finances or quietly preparing for "final steps."
Sleeplessness often signals depression, but when combined with family-focused despair, it indicates active planning is underway. Everyday frustration fades quickly, but sudden anger about "protecting" loved ones shows deep emotional connections breaking apart. When someone starts staying home far more than usual, skipping work, avoiding friends, or withdrawing from daily life, it’s a potential warning sign of deeper emotional struggle, especially in men facing intense provider pressures. This becomes even more concerning if you notice financial papers like bank statements or bills suddenly vanishing.
These subtle changes often point to growing shame, secrecy, or distorted thinking tied to depression, signalling a need for gentle support before issues escalate. These behaviours cluster fast, unlike routine stress that scatters. They indicate preparation, not mere retreat.
Effective questions to ask
Friends and family can interrupt a downward spiral with simple, caring conversations. These direct questions gently probe for hidden danger without confrontation. Normal responses show planning ahead, while vague or self-blaming replies signal urgent risk.
- "What does next month look like for you?" Normal worry gives concrete details; danger often answers "nothing."
- "What about the kids?" Vague concern differs from guilt like "They suffer because of me."
- "Let's call Talian HEAL together now." Strong resistance demands immediate action.
Act before it's too late
Friends and relatives often notice subtle changes first, where offhand remarks about family suffering signal far more than casual venting. They reveal distorted thinking taking hold. Direct, carefully worded questions can expose these mental shifts, while helplines provide the critical bridge to professional safety and intervention.
Psychology teaches that recognising these predictable patterns transforms ordinary bystanders into effective lifesavers. One timely conversation can prevent helplessness from claiming entire families. Don't wait for the tragedy. Ask now. Save lives.
Dr Shabina Rehman is a senior lecturer and deputy dean (research) at the School of Education and Social Sciences, Management and Science University (MSU).
