No longer just the breadwinner

MALAYSIAN fathers are a tough lot, but it seems that the pandemic has been weighing down on them – more so than mothers here according to a recent international study.

About 96% of Malaysian dads said they experienced a high level of depression in facing the effects of the pandemic, based on its findings.

This is more than the 89% of Malaysian mothers who took part in “The Covid-19 Family Life Study: Impact of the Pandemic on Family Life across Cultures”.

The study, involving 72 countries, was led by Dr Anis Ben Brik, an associate professor at Hamad Bin Khalifa University College of Public Policy in Qatar, and conducted by a team consisting of international experts and civil society organisations.

“It came as a surprise to us that fathers in Malaysia were among the top in the rankings, who suffered a higher level of depression compared to mothers during the pandemic.

“But I agree with the study, as most men don’t want to talk about their feelings or are not very forthcoming in revealing emotions, ” says Better Dads Malaysia (BDM) co-founder and advisor Jason Leong when sharing the findings with Sunday Star.

BDM is a non-profit organisation aimed at motivating fathers and improving the quality of life of families in Malaysia.

Leong: Some fathers faced challenges in the pandemic and had difficulty concentrating, making decisions and sleeping.

Leong says while there has yet to be a similar study done by local academicians, BDM hopes there will be one soon.

“We do observe a heightened level of stress among fathers in the course of our NGO work and engagement, ” he says.

As it is Father’s Day today, the world celebrates the leading man in our lives, but it’s also a reminder that they are more than just the breadwinner of the family.

It matters that they show up in their children’s lives and be intentional about it.

That’s why it is heartening to know that the BDM observed an improvement in communication and more involvement of Malaysian fathers in the lives of their children during the Covid-19 pandemic.

“This is consistent with another study which showed that 68% of fathers across race, class, educational attainment, and political affiliation in the United States felt closer to their children during these times, ” says Leong.

The study, by the Harvard Graduate School of Education in the US, also showed that 52% of fathers say their children are talking to them more often about “things that are more important to them”.

“For many dads, the pandemic has given them a chance to think more deeply about how they engage with their children, and ways in which they might do it better, ” Leong says.

As the pandemic has disrupted nearly every facet of life in Malaysia, he says parents are facing a daunting set of challenges, compounded by emotional and financial stress and uncertainty.

“At the same time, they need to keep their children secure and engaged at home.

“Hence, part of BDM’s work is to reach out to help parents, especially fathers, to continue to provide stability for their families.

“Many fathers have stepped up to meet the challenges of the new normal but many are struggling, ” he points out.

In April 2020, during the first movement control order, BDM organised an online forum on managing emotional health for fathers during the pandemic.

“In our online interactions with fathers who participated in our training programmes, we note that many expressed facing challenges that can be stressful and overwhelming.

“Working from home and being in a lockdown makes them feel isolated and lonely, which increases stress and anxiety.

“Some expressed fear, anger, sadness, worry, numbness, frustration, changes in appetite, energy, desires and interests, ” Leong shares.

He says some fathers also had difficulty concentrating, making decisions and sleeping.

“As such, in November last year, we held our second national symposium on fathering in the pandemic.

“We recognise that crises are also triggers for us to realign our priorities and make sure we are truly investing in important things.

“Part of growing into the role of being a dad is stepping up with confidence in the face of crisis.

“It lies within each one of us to rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done, ” he highlights.

While a father might not be able to prevent a crisis, his actions can do a lot to help the whole family respond positively, Leong stresses.

He says BDM believes fathering is all about being intentional, including taking everyday moments and making them into something great.

“Our children deserve us to be intentional.

“At times, it may just be easier to brush off a playtime request to continue work or mindless scrolling but it is at those times that we can choose to be intentional about the ways we engage our children, ” he says.

Hong: Fathers should take it one day at a time to be better dads, and ultimately, be intentional about it.

However, Leong reminds fathers that children are not looking for perfection, but want their dad’s presence.

“So, don’t stop being present. Don’t stop being different. Don’t try to be perfect or compare yourself to anyone else, as it will affect your self-esteem.

“Take one step at a time, start and end each day with positive reflections and lessons.

“You may not be the best dad in the world but you can be a better dad – one day at a time, ” Leong advises.

Concurring, BDM co-founder and chairman Joshua Hong says the organisation conducts workshops exclusively for fathers in its Ican Fathering Workshop where participants perform their own assessment to identify their fathering style, strengths and weaknesses.

“ICAN stands for Involvement, Consistency, Awareness and Nurturance, as key areas that fathers need to have.

“But ultimately, it is about being intentional about fathering – the deliberate, daily practice of fatherhood habits by men who want to do better, ” says Hong.

BDM will be holding its Father’s Day celebration today from 2pm; it will be broadcast via Facebook Live and is open to all fathers and members of the public. For more information, go to www.facebook.com/betterdadsmalaysia or www.betterdadsmalaysia.my.