Sunny Side Up: Making authentic connections

There’s real value in being authentic and present with others. — 123rf

A question that stumped me early in my training as a counsellor was: How can we be authentic and congruent while maintaining professionalism?

To be authentic is to be honest about what we think, feel, and believe, without hiding behind a persona. Congruence means our behaviour aligns with what we’re feeling inside.

Of course, we can recognise the potential pitfalls. Everyone smiles at their boss; few of us always act in alignment with how we feel. We understand there’s a “time and place” to be ourselves.

As a counsellor, I’ve been heavily influenced by the work of American psychiatrist Dr Irvin Yalom, best known for his fictional and non-fictional explorations of existential therapy and human relationships. My favourite book of his, The Schopenhauer Cure (2005), is a fictional story centred on mortality, isolation, and how human connection can transform emotional suffering.

For me, Dr Yalom’s work offers a powerful answer to how we can relate authentically to others – even in formal contexts – with boundaries intact and without feeling superficial.

His latest book, Hour Of The Heart (2024), co-written with his son Ben Yalom, is a testament to his enduring insights into human connection. In an interview with Ben – who became a psychotherapist after working for 30 years in the arts – we spoke about Hour Of The Heart, the importance of the relationship in therapy, and the value of the therapist showing up as “a real person” rather than a detached expert.

The book explores Irvin’s foray into single-session therapy, prompted in part by his fading memory and difficulty keeping track of patients’ stories. The sessions took place during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic, with Yalom conducting around 300 consultations, some of which are recounted in the book.

As Ben explains, “The goal wasn’t to say, ‘I can cure people’ or deliver a full course of self- reflective therapy in a single session, but rather, ‘Perhaps I can be helpful and learn what can be done under great time pressure’.”

Hour of the Heart distils the core of Irvin’s approach to therapy in a vivid manner, offering the reader a front-row seat to how we might connect meaningfully with others, even under strained or uncertain conditions.

While the book is written primarily for therapists, to me it also serves as a wise guide to how we might show up in everyday interactions. Are we fully present to the other person? Are we willing to be real? Are we listening not just to respond, but to understand and meet the other person as they are?

In the context of therapy, Ben says, “Showing up authentically, willing to cry, laugh, and celebrate triumphs with clients, is essential. Without authenticity, therapy becomes a watered-down human experience”. Context, of course, is crucial. Effective therapy might include the therapist being moved, but not to the extent the client ends up feeling the need to comfort the therapist.

Hour Of The Heart shows what authentic and skilful connection looks like, and it also brings to mind the words of American psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan, who observed that we are all “more simply human than otherwise”.

In the book, Irvin meets people of all ages and stages of life from around the world and the constant quality that shines through is his ability to welcome someone for who they are, rather than how we might prefer them to be.

Greek philosopher Aristotle wrote that while becoming angry is easy, being angry at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, and in the right way is a rare skill. This book is a masterclass in how to be vulnerable, open, and empathetic in the right way, at the right time, and in the way a person most needs.

Too often, we become preoccupied with what we should avoid or how we are coming across, making our interactions subtly self-absorbed. Irvin shows that genuine connection comes from stepping into the relationship wholeheartedly and meeting the person where they are. In doing so, we offer not just presence, but a glimpse of what a healthy relationship can feel like – one that helps people see themselves and their situation in a new light.

As Ben shares, there’s real value in being authentic and present with others.

“Even when clients ask personal questions like whether you have children or your political views, they’re usually seeking commonality or reassurance that you might understand their struggles.

“Therapy is an unusual relationship setup – mostly one-way – and clients naturally want to understand who you are. By hiding ourselves, we risk making clients uncomfortable, and diminishing their willingness to share authentically.”

Hour Of The Heart is a book I recommend to anyone interested in getting a glimpse of what authentic connection truly feels like. As Irvin writes, we can’t expect others to open up to us if we are unwilling to be open ourselves.

Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, e-mail [e-mail]. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.