Is it better to learn to love ourselves first before we attempt to enter into meaningful relationships with others? It’s an interesting question and, like any complex question, its answer might vary depending on each individual and his/her unique circumstances.
On the one hand, if someone has several issues to deal with that hold them back from maintaining friendships and other relationships, it can be helpful for those issues to be worked through (at least to a degree if not fully) before they cultivate relationships.
On the other hand, learning to love ourselves first before entering a relationship could indicate a subtle avoidance. After all, we are always works-in-process (not always “progress”); therefore, we’re never done learning about and discovering new things about ourselves and others.
In this sense, it’s easy to feel like we should be complete before we can commit to another person. Depending on how we might define “complete”, this could take a lifetime of work and so, even though we might yearn for connection, we shy away from committing to another.
I should offer a caveat here. Not everyone desires romantic relationships, despite society’s expectations and assumptions that we find fulfilment through being in a relationship and, preferably, having a family. While this certainly provides a great deal of meaning for many, many others thrive and enjoy rich and meaningful lives outside the confines of relationships and having children. A meaningful life is always subjective; only we know what makes our life worth living.
But for those who wish to be in a loving relationship, it can be difficult to know if we’re ready for commitment and whether we know ourselves well enough before building a relationship.
Professor of psychiatry at the University of California Dr Jonathan Shedler offers a helpful reflection on the question of whether to love ourselves first: “The pop-psychology notion of ‘self-love’ ultimately boils down to common-sense advice to take care of yourself. But people come to psychotherapy because that’s exactly what they can’t do.
“Real psychotherapy is not advice-giving. It’s addressing the inner obstacles that get in the way. The fact is, we cannot change our sense of self in isolation. It is formed through relational experience with others, which we internalise.
“‘Love yourself first’ is naïve advice. First, we must learn to be in a relationship. Said differently, in order to better love ourselves (whatever that means), we must first learn to be lovable to others.”
In my view, whether they be platonic or romantic others, we learn and discover more about ourselves in relation to others. In a healthy relationship, people influence each other in positive ways and help to curb unhelpful habits and behaviours. We all have our blind spots, meaning that there are patterns in our thinking and behaviour that we aren’t aware of that can lead us to self-sabotage, make poor decisions, and be less aware of our impact on others.
Mutually nurturing relationships can bring the best out in us and at the same time create a space where our inevitable quirks and flaws are accepted as part of who we are. They naturally encourage us to work on the inner obstacles that keep us repeating self-defeating behaviours. And rather than feeling like we “should” change, healthy relationships inspire us to make changes for the better.
The 1997 film, As Good As It Gets, starring Jack Nicolson and Helen Hunt, contains a scene perfectly depicting this sentiment.
Nicholson plays Melvin Udall, a romantic fiction writer who has obsessive-compulsive tendencies and is rude to everyone he meets. Over time, Melvin starts to come out of his shell around the few people he regularly interacts with and, in a scene with Hunt’s character, Carol, he reveals how their relationship has changed him: “I got a real great compliment for you, and it’s true. I’ve got this, what, ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in 50% or 60% percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills. Very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I’m using the word ‘hate’ here, about pills. Hate.
“My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.”
Carol replies, “I don’t quite get how that’s a compliment for me”, and Melvin responds, “You make me want to be a better man”.
Dr Shedler’s suggestion that we love ourselves by learning to be loveable to others points, I think, to being able to nurture and then see the best of ourselves with the help of those around us. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, perhaps we become the best version of ourselves not in isolation, but with the encouragement and support of those who can nurture the best of what they see in us.
Sunny Side Up columnist Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer's own.
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