When a relationship loses its lustre

It’s absolutely possible to fall out of love quickly, especially once you figure out the person is not right for you. Photo: TNS/Dreamstime

Dear Anna,

I’m a 33-year-old woman who’s going through something rough. Just two months ago, I fell madly in love with this guy I met. It was amazing – the butterflies, the uncontrollable smiles, everything.

But just as quickly as those intense feelings came, they disappeared.

I’m no longer excited to see him or have the same spark when he’s around.

It’s confusing because everything happened so fast. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to lead him on.

Is it possible to fall out of love as quickly as I fell in love? I could really use some insight right now. Thank you for your help. – Seeking Peaceful Endings En Délecte

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Dear SPEED,

First and foremost, congrats on being the first person to incorporate French into a sign-off. Second, it’s absolutely possible to fall out of love quickly, especially once you figure out the person is not right for you. It can happen instantaneously. Our hearts/genitals are lovable jerks! They do what they want, and don’t adhere to any set timeline or rules, which can sometimes lead to confusion and turmoil.

It sounds like you had an experience of what we might call “love at first sight”, which, frankly, is a misnomer. We should really call it “lust at first sight with the potential of becoming something deeper and more permanent with enough trust, mutual respect and time”, but fine, that’s not as catchy.

In any sense, lust/love at first sight is a strong immediate attraction that can be incredibly exhilarating. It’s euphoric, it’s druggy, it’s insane-making in the best way. The important thing to realise here is that feelings, even love, can and do fluctuate. (Which, tangent, is probably why it’s so terrifying.) It’s entirely possible to have strong, immediate feelings for someone that fade over time, or in some cases, instantaneously. It doesn’t mean the feelings weren’t real or strong, but emotions aren’t always settled or fixed. They can ebb, flow and even seemingly disappear, like tides pulled by a witchy moon. (Which, tangent, how wild is that?)

Your falling-out-fast experience doesn’t delegitimise the feelings you initially had. Love and attraction often show up in multiple forms, and the passionate, all-consuming attraction in the early stages of a relationship, known as “limerence”, (if anyone wants to impress their co-workers over coffee with a fancy-sounding word for lust) can sometimes cool into a more comfortable companionable affection – or it could evaporate entirely, as you’re possibly experiencing now.

The most crucial step moving forward is honesty, both with yourself and with him. It’s never fun or easy to break up with someone, but here’s my tried and true formula, known as SSSSS (which, fine, also not very catchy, unless one is a snake):

1. Self-reflection: Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Remember, you don’t owe anyone a relationship, but you owe yourself the respect of understanding your feelings.

2. Speak openly and honestly: Be upfront with him about what you’re experiencing. Express how your feelings, unfortunately, have changed. It’s essential to use “I” statements here to keep the conversation anchored in your experiences, not his actions, such as “I feel that my emotions have changed, and I believe it wouldn’t be fair on either of us to continue this relationship.”

3. Space (respect and take): Provide space for him to process the breakup. He may feel hurt, and he might need some time away from you to parse his thoughts and emotions over what has occurred.

4. Seek support: Reach out to a trusted friend or friends. It’s an emotional time, and having a support network can provide vast relief, needed perspectives and memes about dogs dancing.

5. Self-care: Take care of yourself. It’s OK to grieve the relationship and the emotions you once had for him, even while knowing that ending the relationship was the right thing to do.

Love, in all its forms, is rarely straightforward or easy. Experiences like these, however, teach us about ourselves, our emotions, and our capacity for empathy – and that knowledge becomes a part of our emotional growth.

Remember, it’s OK to let go if your heart isn’t in it – and it’s OK that it happened fast. You’re not alone in this; many others have gone through similar experiences. It’s all part of our maddening, intoxicating, frustrating, necessary journey of the heart. – Tribune News Service/Anna Pulley