This Malaysian man works at a deaf cafe to improve his signing skills with his deaf wife

When love is at the core, any marriage can work, believes Melina. Photos: Renik Jayanasen Fair

Two years ago, Renik Jayanasen Fair, 52, left his job as a marketing trainer to work as an accounts manager and administrator at a cafe in Petaling Jaya that employs people who are hearing impaired.

He gave up a corporate career, but Fair feels that the move was a big win for him in the larger scheme of things. He's building a stronger relationship with his wife, Melina Sylvia Ann, a deaf insurance underwriter.

"I have the golden opportunity to improve my sign language by communicating with the employees (at the cafe). I also help interpret for them when hearing customers need to communicate. All this has helped me improve my vocabulary when I sign with Melina," said Renik in an email interview from Kuala Lumpur.

Renik, who learned Malaysian sign language (Bahasa Isyarat Malaysia) in 2014, admits learning the language was challenging at times.

"The tricky part might be interpreting in voice what a deaf person signs. It takes a lot of practice with those who are hearing impaired and also watching videos on sign language.

"Learning sign language requires a keen eye for detail, which can be developed. Once I got the hang of things, it became easier. When you have the passion for something, it becomes easy to learn anything," he shared.

In 2018, Renik (left) and Melina (second from left) attended the 2nd Asia Deaf Catholic Conference in Tagaytay City, Phillippines. The couple hope to advocate against audism, or the discrimination against people who are hearing impaired.

The International Day of Sign Languages (IDSL) is celebrated annually worldwide on Sept 23 to raise awareness of the importance of sign language. September is also International Deaf Awareness Month. According to the Department of Social Welfare statistics (2017), out of 453,258 registered persons with disabilities, 7.6% had a hearing impairment.

Signs of love

The pair were introduced to each other by a mutual friend back in 2013. Melina was smitten by Renik's wit, charm and patience and was impressed by his eagerness to communicate with her despite not knowing how to sign much.

"When we first met, Renik knew minimal sign language... it was difficult to communicate with each other. So, he signed a little and wrote a little," she said."We shared about our faith, our work and family backgrounds. I appreciated how he was very attentive and maintained good eye contact. Language for the deaf is, after all, visual," shared Melina, who lost her hearing when she was 15 years.

Melina signing during her wedding ceremony at the Church of Jesus Caritas in Kepong on Nov 21, 2015.

The couple got married in 2015. Her impairment has never been an issue in their relationship. Renik makes a conscious effort to see things from his deaf partner's perspective and is taking the necessary steps to minimise the communication barriers in their marriage.

"That Melina is a differently abled person was never a concern for me. I fell for her personality. She is very sweet and helpful and exudes kindness, generosity and goodwill which is what attracted me to her. Being deaf did not stop her from pursuing her goals when it came to education. There's just something very unique about her," he says.

Consultant clinical psychologist Dr Valerie Jacques says that hearing and deaf couples are actually not that different from couples – for examples those from English speaking homes who marry people from vernacular dialect speaking homes or individuals who marry foreigners with a different ethnicity and culture, or couples from different socio-economic backgrounds.

She explains that it all boils down to the five 'Cs' in every relationship: Chemistry, communication, compatibility, compromise, and commitment.

Like many relationships, chemistry is what draws two people together, explains Dr Valerie, the founder of the Integrated Psychology Network Sdn Bhd, a network of Psychologists, Social Work Professionals, and Counsellors in Petaling Jaya.

"While she is deaf, what stood out was her body language and attentiveness in listening and trying to understand his limited ability in signing," she says.

Dr Valerie says that a hearing and deaf couple is just like any other couple and needs to practise the five 'Cs' in a relationship: chemistry, communication, compatibility, compromise and commitment. Photo: Dr Valerie Jacques

Dr Valerie added that the couple's ability to communicate their common goals and interests helped them understand each other better, resulting in better compatibility.

"This leads to a desire to communicate more, which made Renik learn to sign better so that Melina could understand what he was saying.

"This part of a relationship is where love enters and both of them start to compromise. If there was no love, both of them would not have gone beyond their comfort zones to learn to communicate better with each other, such as by learning a new language (sign language).

"Eventually this leads to a commitment in the relationship," she explains.

If there are gaps in any of these stages of a relationship, that's where couples could experience conflicts and challenges, Dr Valerie points out.

And sometimes, there are external challenges to a relationship too.

"Sometimes, family members might be in denial of the person's impairment. They may insist on getting the hearing impaired person to listen (to their speech) without making the effort to learn to sign. This causes pain to the deaf person as they feel marginalised not only in society or at work, but also with their family.

"Some families may not be entirely supportive and this could be a reason for the relationship to break up. Or, there might be differences in religious beliefs that can create conflicts and divide them," she says.

Renik (centre) is glad his mother Rachel gets along very well with Melina (left).

Renik is the first in his family to marry a deaf woman. He is thankful that his family members have accepted Melina's impairment and welcomed her into the family with open arms.

"My mother, brother and his family have been extremely supportive from day one. According to Mama, as long as Melina's got a good heart, that's good enough. This means a lot to Melina and me," he says.

However, Melina admits their relationship has had its fair share of ups and downs.

"It's like having two different languages in one household. But we realise the more 'deaf-focused' our marriage is, the better the relationship. This means we sign to each other and take equal responsibility to work on our communication issues.

"Also, the fact that we both interact with the deaf community is an added bonus. A deaf-hearing relationship can work when a couple makes the consistent effort to persevere and respect each other's communication needs and backgrounds," said Melina, who likes to read and engage in volunteer work during her free time.

In 2018, Renik and Melina made a trip to Angkor Wat in Siem Reap, Cambodia.

Love will conquer all

Melina believes that with love at the core, their marriage will work.

"Unity in diversity and inclusiveness are essential factors in a deaf-hearing relationship. A sense of humour has also been the saving grace in our marriage and helps us resolve any communication issues that arise," she says.

Since marrying Melina, Renik has been more mindful of the deaf community's needs. In fact, he has become an advocate against audism, which is the discrimination against deaf or hard of hearing individuals.

"The hearing community needs to accommodate the deaf. For example, if we are talking animatedly with a group of friends, where one is deaf, it is imperative for the person who can sign to involve the deaf by switching to sign language to cater to the deaf person.

"It boils down to being chivalrous. When courtesy for the deaf is our priority, audism will cease to exist."

Renik says that there is still a lack of knowledge on audism among many Malaysians. He hopes deaf advocacy groups can do more to raise awareness of the deaf community.

"Creating awareness is one way the hearing community can prevent audism and help the deaf community not feel marginalised. September is International Deaf Awareness Month and this is the message Melina and I would like to drive home to the hearing community," he concludes.