When a man is abused by his wife

Husband abuse can happen to men of any age, occupation, culture and socioeconomic class.

The number of husbands being abused by their wives may be more significant than we think.

Male victims are more likely to keep quiet about the abuse, due to shame or fear that they would not be believed.

There is also the potential of being ridiculed for supposedly allowing the abuse to take place.

While female victims may be more forthcoming and would more likely receive more sympathy and protection, male victims may have more difficulties in obtaining help from the support systems available.

Take the cases of Jeff and Victor (not their real names) whom I had seen separately as victims of domestic abuse.

In both cases, the domestic abuse was less of physical violence, but more of emotional blackmail and verbal abuse.

In Jeff’s case, his wife was overly possessive, constantly used foul language on him and took great delight in humiliating him in public.

In the case of Victor, his wife made false and often sensationalised allegations about him to his friends, employer, and even the police.

Both men had to undergo psychological and psychiatric treatment, but only one picked up the courage to report the abuse.

Even then, he did not quite get the support he expected as his report was not investigated.

In fact, he claimed to have been ridiculed when he sought help.

Factoring in mental illness

What would cause such women to end up being so abusive towards their husbands?

I have often been asked if there is a possibility that such behaviour is linked to any mental illness.

The truth is, personality disorders – such as borderline personality disorder, which is characterised by dramatic, overly emotional and often unpredictable thinking and behaviour – can include verbal abuse and assaultive behaviour.

Borderline personality disorder is seen more in women, compared to men.

Women with a mood disorder like bipolar disorder, can also be abusive during the manic phase of their illness.

There are also other psychological conditions that have been implicated in mood changes and abuse, irrespective of the sex of the abuser.

Recreational use of illicit drugs such as amphetamine-type stimulants, can also cause one to become violent and abusive.

In such situations, is there any chance the marriage can still be saved?

Or is it more advisable for the husband and wife to go separate ways?

In reality, ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy.

However, many a time a marriage does not survive abusive behaviour due to personality traits or a personality disorder.

Nevertheless, in cases where the abusive spouse became violent because of a manic episode of bipolar disorder, an understanding husband often becomes supportive and tries to save the marriage.

Why not leave?

People who find themselves in an abusive relationship often do not feel safe or happy.

Yet, they feel unable to leave for many reasons.

These include fear and a belief that they are the cause of the abuse.

They may even still love the person who is abusing them and believe the abuser will change.

In many cases, moral and religious obligations are the reasons for staying in the relationship.

The victim may also be so psychologically vulnerable that they actually idealise their spouse and see only their good side, and make excuses for the abuse that occurs.

This is especially as the person who carries out the abuse can often be charming and pleasant outside the periods of abuse.

Some may worry that if they leave, their spouse will harm their children or prevent them from having access to them.

Obtaining custody of children is always challenging for fathers, and even if it were to materialise, they may still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of raising children alone.

What to do

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is important to know that you are not alone.

It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life, regardless of age or occupation.

Even if you are embarrassed about it, fear that you will not be believed, or terrified that your partner will seek revenge by threatening to destroy your career, be bold to report it and take suitable action to safeguard your life and reputation.

The first step to protecting yourself and stopping the abuse is to reach out.

Talk to a friend, family member or someone else you trust, or call the 24-hour domestic violence helpline 15999 (Talian Kasih).

Be aware of any signs that may trigger a violent response from your spouse and be ready to leave quickly.

If you need to stay to protect your children, call emergency services.

The police have an obligation to protect you, just as they do a female victim.

Report all incidents to the police and get a copy of each police report.

Keep a diary of all abuse with a clear record of dates, times and any witnesses.

Include a photographic record of your injuries.

Medical personnel are not likely to ask if a man is a victim of domestic violence, so you need to ensure that the cause of your injuries are documented.

Be prepared to face peculiar challenges, which could include lack of understanding from family and friends, difficulty in obtaining support from disbelieving authorities, and most of all, the legal battle of trying to gain custody of your children from their abusive mother.

But at the end of the day, you need to break the silence to end the vicious cycle of violence and abuse.

Admitting the problem and seeking help does not mean you have failed as a man or as a husband.

You are not to blame and you are not weak.

Sharing details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against your abuser.

You may struggle with upsetting emotions or feel numb, disconnected and unable to trust other people.

After the trauma of an abusive relationship, it can take a while to get over the pain and bad memories, but you can heal and move on.

Seeking professional support in the form of counselling, psychological and psychiatric help can help you recover from an abusive relationship.

Don’t ignore it

Addressing the issue of husband abuse is important for several reasons, just as it is crucial to address abuse in any relationship, regardless of gender.

Gender equality is a fundamental principle of human rights.

Ignoring or trivialising abuse against husbands perpetuates harmful stereotypes and reinforces traditional gender roles, which can hinder progress toward achieving gender equality.

Men who experience abuse from their spouses may suffer physical, emotional and psychological harm.

It is essential to provide the same level of support services, counselling and resources to help these men heal and lead healthier lives.

Laws and policies must be applied fairly to address husband abuse.

It is only right for male victims to receive the same level of legal protection as female victims, while holding perpetrators accountable.

Abuse within a marriage can also have detrimental effects on the children who witness it.

Addressing husband abuse can help protect children from experiencing or witnessing violence in their homes.

Many male victims of abuse suffer in silence due to societal expectations and stigma surrounding masculinity.

Bringing attention to husband abuse helps raise awareness about the complexity of domestic violence and the fact that it can affect anyone, regardless of gender.

Prof Datuk Dr Andrew Mohanraj is a consultant psychiatrist, the Malaysian Mental Health Association president and Taylor’s University Impact Lab on Mental Health & Wellbeing director. For more information, email [e-mail]. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only, and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.