I think continuing to interact with an ex after a breakup is unnatural. My parents divorced when I was seven and I rarely saw my dad after that, and I turned out just fine. My kids will be fine too. So why is everyone making such a big deal about getting along after as breakup?
It’s over. End of story. Anything else just seems like pouring salt in a wound and asking your kids to watch it. That can’t be good for them.
Your reaction is more common than you think. For many adults, divorce meant disappearance. One parent faded out; holidays were split cleanly down the middle, and emotional distance became the new normal. It didn't feel cruel – it simply felt finished. You adapted. You survived. You grew up.
But here is the quiet truth: Surviving is not the same as thriving.
When adults say, "I turned out fine," what they often mean is, "I learned how to carry loss without talking about it." Children are extraordinarily resilient, but they are also extraordinarily observant.When a parent vanishes from daily life, children don't just lose contact. They lose continuity. They lose access to half of their history, half of their story and sometimes half of their sense of safety.
Good ex-etiquette is not about forcing friendship. It is not about pretending the relationship didn't end or rewriting the past. It is about something much simpler and much harder: refusing to make your child pay the emotional bill for a relationship that didn't work.
Children do not need parents who like each other. They need parents who can coexist without placing the kids in the middle.They need parents who make their transitions from house to house stress free. They need parents who put them first.
When parents disengage entirely, children become the bridge. They carry information, tension, guilt and sometimes responsibility far beyond their years.They learn to filter stories, manage moods and soften realities. You may never have named it – but chances are you did some of that yourself.
Practising good ex-etiquette changes that pattern.
It says:
My child should not be the messenger.
My child should not have to choose sides.
My child should not have to pretend everything is fine when it isn't.
Getting along after a breakup isn't about being "unnatural" – it's about being intentional. You are building a parenting system, not a marriage. That system requires communication, predictability and restraint.It requires you to speak to the other parent with enough respect that your child never feels the need to defend, hide or apologise for loving both of you.
Your children will adapt to whatever environment you offer them. The question isn't whether they will survive, because they will.The real question is whether your children will grow up thinking people just vanish from their lives or that relationships can change shape and still be dependable, continuing to offer safety, love, continuity and respect, even when the family looks different.That's "good behaviour after divorce or separation," and that's good ex-etiquette. – Tribune News Service
Dr Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide To Co-Parenting And Creating Stronger Families. She can be reached at www.bonusfamilies.com or jann@bonusfamilies.com.
