Dear Thelma: He wants us to have a baby but we’re deep in debt

I have been married for four years, after knowing my husband for almost 10 years. He is six years older than me, and will be 40 this year. We broke up once as I couldn’t stand his debt issues, during the third or fourth year of our relationship. I went back to him as I thought he went into debt to fulfill my wants. He is a good man with a charming smile. Yet, hidden behind his good image is a man who has abused me many times, with words and beatings.

Before our marriage, I was living with my adoptive family. They didn’t like my social life, so they asked me to leave the house. I went out and mixed with friends that led me to start drinking. After some time I came back but my family chased me out for the second time. Then I met my husband. We were friends. I had no commitments in life, so I went with the flow.

We lived together for three years. A few years into our relationship, I got to know about my husband’s debt issues. Maybe I was too pushy back then as I wanted to rent a house and so on. In the end, he got into debt with loan sharks just to make me happy. I was so shocked and unable to answer to my in-laws as all the loan sharks went to their house.

I was fed up with all that and asked him to leave immediately. I thought I’d be happy but instead my world shut down. I was always thinking of his good side instead of his dark side. I couldn’t control my feelings and kept disturbing him at his workplace.

I kept going back to him. He whacked me, hurled all kinds of abusive words at me, and even beat me up on the road. Yet, I looked for him, maybe because I was raised like an orphan without love.

I tried to share this with my friends but they walked away from me and called me a psychopath.

My mother in-law has hated me from the beginning as I am of a different religion. I have led her son on a good path yet she can’t accept me.

The problem now is he wants a baby but he still hasn’t settled his debts.

I’m attached to a stable company and earn a good salary but am paying off my own debts, which should take another two years. Sometimes he says he will take care of everything so I should just prepare to get pregnant, but I think back of all his failed promises to settle my debts. Banks call me every day to settle my loans.I am thinking twice about having a baby and getting further into debt.

My in-laws are not supportive and my adoptive mother advised me not to rush into things.

When my husband starts on baby issues, I refuse to talk about it – and then the quarrel starts. He will start to raise his hands or throw tantrums at home. I feel so depressed. What should I do?

Confused

Let me ask you a question: If you heard of a woman who has a violent partner, would you suggest she bring a baby into the marriage? And if you heard of a woman who is deep in debt, and who has several more years to go before paying it off, would you suggest she add a baby to the burden?