Kids might be more ready to rethink their own phone use than you imagine. — Freepik
The holidays are upon us, what present is your kid begging for this year? For a lot of parents the answer is the same: some kind of shiny new smartphone or tablet. You love your child. They’re also probably annoyingly persistent, which makes it tempting to create some instant holiday magic with a new screen.
But what if you could create more joy not just now, but year-round, by giving your child the gift of a healthier relationship with their screens instead?
That’s the suggestion of Catherine Price. She’s the co-author, along with NYU psychologist Jonathan Haidt, of The Amazing Generation, a soon-to-be released book aimed at empowering kids to make better choices about phones. I spoke to her about the specific steps parents can take to use the holiday period as a springboard into a healthier relationship with screens for the whole family.
Your kid probably doesn’t love their phone as much as you think
Plenty of you are probably sceptical of this whole idea. I have a tween daughter so I fully understand that kids often give the impression that phones are essential for their happiness and social survival. But Price and Haidt insist that – wheedling, eye rolling, and desperate pleas aside – kids’ relationships with their phones is often more complicated than it first appears.
Yes, the general vibe is, you can have my phone when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. But when Haidt, who is also the author of the blockbuster The Anxious Generation, surveyed young people about their social media use he made a startling discovery. A surprising number actively wish many of these platforms had never been invented: 34% would prefer a world without Instagram, 37% without Facebook, 43% without Snapchat, 47% without TikTok, and 50% without Twitter/X.
As Haidt pointed out in a New York Times op-ed sharing the results, this is kind of weird. “For nonaddictive products – hairbrushes, say, or bicycles, walkie-talkies or ketchup – it’s rare to find people who use the product every day yet wish it could be banished from the world. For most products, those who don’t like the product can simply … not use it,” he wrote.
The fact that such huge percentages of young people wish social media never existed reveals that, rather than genuinely enjoying these platforms, many kids feel locked into them. Why? Because in Haidt’s words, “everyone else is on it.”
Kids want help for healthier relationships with screens
Haidt’s isn’t the first survey to suggest that kids actually might appreciate help avoiding phones. Another poll conducted by researcher and author Donna Freitas way back in 2018 already found a lot of mixed feelings.
“While students may love their devices, there was also more than a good deal of hate toward them, a lot of complication, and a massive effort on their parts to control – and curb – their usage of their smartphones (which are basically social media delivery devices),” she reported of her conversations with young people.
Price also points to the generally positive reaction to the flurry of bans on school during school hours that came into effect this year as further evidence that kids don’t love their phones as much as you might think.
“People were very concerned that there’d be a rebellion by the students. You’d have kids hiding in the bathrooms and slicing open their Yondr pouches and fighting back against the teachers. That has happened in some individual cases, but the general feedback resoundingly has been extremely positive,” she observes.
New year, new approach
All of which suggests no matter how high on your kid’s wish list a new phone might be, there is a good chance that deep down they probably would like help establishing healthy screen habits. (“More than a few interviewees commented on how much they appreciated it when their parents took their smartphones away,” Frietas also noted.)
“Parents are tiptoeing around thinking, ‘Our kid’s going to hate us.’ And in many cases, that’s not the case,” says Price. “You might get less resistance than you fear.”
If you’re convinced that a new relationship with screens would make a better gift than a new phone, how should you get started? As a natural period of reflection and readjustment, the holiday period is the perfect time to tackle the project. Helpfully, Price offers practical tips.
1. Start a conversation about your own phone use
Kids might be more ready to rethink their own phone use than you imagine. But that doesn’t mean they’ll welcome nagging and lecturing. They are still kids, after all. Instead, Price suggests that opening a conversation about your own screen habits is a gentler way to approach the subject.
“There is the elephant in the room that parents don’t have great screen habits ourselves. It’s very difficult if not impossible to get your kids to have healthy screen habits if you’re not modeling them,” she says. Acknowledging the issue draws kids into a discussion about solving it collaboratively.
“Ask them to help you with your own habits,” she suggests. “Frame it as, I want to be present with you and I want to have fun as a family. Can you help me?”
If you fear admitting your own errors in front of your kids, you probably shouldn’t. Psychologists reassure parents that acknowledging missteps helps children learn to be more empathetic and intellectually humble. Price agrees.
“It’s totally fine to say to our kids that we as adults have made some mistakes when it comes to dealing with technology. These devices and apps were promised to adults as good things and we trusted these companies. I’s now becoming obvious that in many cases these products are not safe. So we are going to make some changes,” she says
2. Brainstorm phone-free fun
Once you have your kid’s buy-in to the family project, consider together common sense restrictions like keeping all screens out of all bedrooms. (Haidt has said not doing this is his personal biggest parenting regret.) Setting some specific times, like meals, where no one can be on their phone can also be helpful.
Even more powerful, according to Price, is brainstorming fun activities that will make everyone in the family forget about their phones.
“If you can fill your time with more fun things in the real world, you’ll feel less drawn to screens,” she stresses. So instead of wrapping up a new iPhone, “help kids come up with fun ideas and make plans as a family for screen-free experiences to have together.”
3. Get your kids the gift of connection
It’s probably a bad idea to buy your child a new smartphones. But you can consider giving kids, particularly younger ones, the gift of easier communication with friends and family. There are many great options for stripped down phones that allow kids to keep in touch without being tempted by the entire internet.
Price suggests several resources where parents can compare options. Whether you choose a new Tin Can phone, Ooma, or something else, arranging for several kids in the same neighbourhood or friend group to get the same kind of device increases its joy and usefulness.
“Reach out to some fellow parents and say, ‘Hey, would you be interested in joining together to get our kids XY thing?’” Price suggests. That way “they can actually keep in touch without giving in to the smartphone request.”
We like to think of the holidays as a time of joy and togetherness. The truth is that a new smartphone probably won’t bring your child more of either. As Joanathan Haidt says: “give them the gift of a real childhood instead.” – Inc./Tribune News Service
