Continual stress and frustration from online dating can even lead to the psychosomatic syndrome of 'dating burnout'. — Photo by Good Faces Agency on Unsplash
BERLIN: A cavalcade of potential partners appears when you open the app on your smartphone: photo and profile after photo and profile. Interested in that one? Just swipe right or click the "Like" button and you've made the first move.
Online dating – online meeting, actually, whether through a dating website or app such as Tinder, Bumble and Hinge – has been around for a while.
In Germany alone, an estimated 20 million people – or roughly a quarter of the population – have tried it, according to a 2022 survey by Bitkom, the country's digital association. Roughly 60% of the respondents said it had led to a more or less steady relationship.
In a recent sociological survey presented this summer at a conference of the UK-based Society for Experimental Biology (SEB) in Prague, more than half of the respondents, most between the ages of 18 and 30, reported experiencing confusion about choosing life-partners, women more than men.
Social media and digital dating expose people to far more potential mates than ever before, notes Chayan Munshi, executive director of the Ethophilia Research Foundation in Santiniketan, India, which conducted the survey. This, and the ease of photo enhancement, can distort the true pool of available dating candidates.
What's more, constant exposure to sexually stimulating or attractive content in social media "creates certain perceptions of reality in the young mindset, which ultimately creates confusion in terms of selecting potential mating partners," Munshi was quoted as saying.
Continual stress and frustration from online dating can even lead to the psychosomatic syndrome of "dating burnout," writes Wera Aretz, a couples therapist and professor of business and digital psychology at Fresenius University of Applied Sciences in Cologne, Germany.
While not an illness in itself, its symptoms include emotional exhaustion, cynicism and diminished productivity, she explains in the Journal of Business and Media Psychology (JBMP), published by Fresenius University. She says it affects an estimated 14% of dating site/app users.
The monotony of swiping a touchscreen over and over in search of suitable partner is a particular risk factor for the syndrome, she says, adding that some people spend hours on end reading profiles, writing the same messages – yet remaining without a date.
Ghosting - suddenly, without explanation, ending all communication with someone and avoiding any further contact – is another risk factor. Anyone can be ghosted, while texting or after meeting. Especially susceptible to dating burnout, according to the study presented by Aretz in the JBMP, are people with low self-esteem or attachment anxieties.
In the view of social psychologist and couples therapist Johanna Degen, "online dating isn't fair at all. It's extremely sexist and discriminatory. You hardly see people with disabilities on dating apps."
Users want to show their best side and stand out from the pack. But "the more you optimise your profile," Degen warns, "the more stress you face because you're confronted with this perfect version of yourself – and with the other person's disappointment on your date."
Aretz is familiar with embellishments in her clients' online dating profiles. Men make themselves out to be bigger than they really are, she says, and women to be younger. Educational background is often falsified as well, and marital status can be too.
The latter apparently isn't uncommon. The Indian survey found that many users of online dating sites and apps were already in stable relationships.
Dating others while in an existing relationship isn't always a bad thing though, remarks Aretz, who says that in some circumstances – an open relationship, for instance, or if the couple wants to explore their sexuality together with a third person – it can be positive.
However, "should one of the partners be unaware that the other is engaged in online dating, plenty of problems can naturally result."
A major advantage of online dating, points out Aretz, is the ability to become acquainted with potential partners across great distances. This results in more couples with differing cultural backgrounds, and social classes play a lesser role.
"The biggest plus is to easily – and in a playful way – come into contact with an unbelievably large number of people you wouldn't be able to meet at university, at work or at the supermarket," she says. "And from different sociocultural backgrounds besides.
"With the click of a mouse, you can get to know people in India, in Turkey, in Greece – people all over the world."
And contrary to the widespread misconception, dating app/site users aren't only looking for "one-night stands." Just 6% of the Bitkom survey respondents reported sex to be their aim, compared with 71% who were looking for a steady relationship.
Some couples therapists recommend using paid dating apps, arguing that their users are more sincere in their search for a romantic partner. But it's sometimes better for younger people to use free apps such as Tinder or OKCupid, says Aretz, since the target group there is younger.
Everyone's different, of course, with different expectations of a suitable match. It's important not to misrepresent yourself, Aretz advises, for example by posting only the best photos of yourself and listing only your best qualities. Remember: You've only got to be liked by those you like yourself.
So to find your Mr or Ms Right, you need to weed out all the others. Or as Aretz puts it: "To find the needle in the haystack, you've got to burn down the haystack." – dpa/Tribune News Service
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