People-pleaser’s problem

Constantly saying yes can harm relationships, so find courage to stand your ground and earn respect

HAVE you met a yes-man? Did you find his lack of courage to engage, and flip flopping on issues off-putting?

If you answered yes, you are not alone.

Many people I know, myself included, have little patience for these individuals.

Yet, despite the scoff they get from family, friends and colleagues, there are people who show no sign of changing their ways.

Contrary to popular belief, yes-men do not just exist in the workplace where they stroke their superiors’ ego.

These people can be found everywhere, from among family members to friends and people in our communities.

A yes-man may have a conversation with you today, where he appears to agree with everything you say.

But tomorrow, he may have a different take on the same topic, depending on who he is with then.

Such individuals are simply unreliable partners for trading banter.

Yes-men are like social chameleons, changing colours just to fit in with the crowd, with no identity of their own.

But why do they continue behaving that way despite the bad reputation?

One reason could be due to insecurity.

Some might be scared of being seen as unlikeable that they gave up on cultivating a healthy sense of individuality.

Others mistake disagreement, which may be a healthy part of dialogue, for something confrontational that must be avoided at all costs.

Yet, despite the appearance of a socially pacifist nature, yes-men can wreak havoc on relationships.

A woman I know plans to file for divorce because her husband repeatedly let his family speak ill of her.

She was worried about overstepping her bounds if she dealt with his family herself.

Gradually, her sense of respect for her husband, who cannot man up and face his family, begins to shrink.

Maybe because of a traumatic experience, yes-men internalise the idea that being a brown- noser is a necessary way to survive.

Faced with conflicts, they retreat rather than solve.

As a result, they make for poor leaders and unreliable negotiators – both skills necessary to function as an adult.

How then, can they undo this deeply ingrained psyche?

They may start by realising that being strong-willed and having informed opinions do not always repel others.

In fact, people may respect and be drawn to someone who acts and speaks with conviction, though they may not necessarily agree with you.

Those who do not are probably not your tribe anyway.

Secondly, consistently standing your ground sets the standard for how you expect others to treat you, while also signalling how you might treat them.

There is freedom in knowing what to expect when you engage with others, where you don’t have to appear agreeable all the time.

But the ultimate safeguard against being a yes-man, and dealing with one, is having the courage to be authentic.

That means realising and accepting that who you are, and what you offer, may not be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay.

A person who bends himself to fulfil others’ expectations all the time is bound to be stretched thin, soon emotionally depleted.

Staying true to oneself requires us to understand that being likeable is not always the same as being respected.

Speaking from experience, I recently set boundaries with some people who had grown too comfortable with disrespecting me, partly because I used to let them, in order to keep the peace.

Initially, it seemed like I had lost some friends, but upon further reflection, I actually lost those who were weighing me down.

I might have ruffled some feathers, but I saw it as a small price to pay for having stood my ground.

So if you’re tired of dancing to others’ tunes and saying yes, maybe it’s time to muster some courage and learn to say “no”.

And if some people have a problem with the new and improved you, well, that’s too bad.