Don’t add to the grief of the grieving, say therapists

KUALA LUMPUR: The return of the remains of those on MH17 does not mean that there is full closure for their families, relatives and friends, say therapists.

“Closure and grieving is individual. Putting your loved one to rest is not necessarily the end of your grieving,” said psychologist Dr Anasuya Jegathevi Jegathesan, who specialises in thanatology (the science of death).

Although Dr Anasuya encouraged people to go to funerals and wakes to show their support (if the family allows) and pay respects to the deceased, she advised them to be sensitive.

“Don’t gawk and don’t ask for stories. It is human nature to want to know what happened but the funeral and wake are not the right time or place.

“The questions will only make the distraught family more distraught,” she said, stressing that “sympathisers” who are merely curious should just stay home.

For Malaysian Psychological Association vice-president Dr Goh Chee Leong, it is also important for guardians, caregivers and family members to understand that there is a process of grieving before the grievers can move on.

“It is normal for those grieving to take a while to come to terms with the death. It is important that they (caregivers) support the grieving through the process and allow him or her to grieve in their way.

“Don’t try to discourage, hasten or stop the process, or disengage from it.

“You need to show them there is nothing wrong with the way they feel. And you must never tell them: ‘Come on, cheer up, be happy!’” he said.

Young children should also not be forgotten, and some may need professional help with their sudden loss, said Charis Wong, director of KIN & KiDS Marriage, Family and Child Therapy Center here.

“Don’t wait until you see symptoms of distress or psychological trauma – the child could already be seriously affected.”

Children who experience loss from a sudden, traumatic event like the MH370 and MH17 tragedies are at a high risk for depression.

“These children need a safe space to process what happened and express their emotions,” added Wong, who recommended play therapy with trained mental health professionals.

“When children who have experienced a traumatic and sudden loss of a significant caregiver or family member do not have a way to express their feelings regarding the sudden loss, they can face damaging consequences.

“Children do not know how to ask for help either, so as the guardians (or parents), we need to take a proactive role in doing the best we can to pillow the painful effects of such a life-changing tragedy,” she said.

“What is important is that the families need to talk about the loss.

“Adults may have a misconception that children cannot handle conversations around death and tragic accidents and by not talking about it, they will eventually ‘forget’ the incident and move on in their life. They may also believe that talking about what happened may upset the child.

“But it is important that they learn how to have honest ongoing conversations about the loss with a child based on the child’s developmental age and emotional maturity,” she said in advising caregivers to seek guidance from a mental health professional or parent guide books and reliable websites.