Anger management

Angry Birds – the phenomenally popular game. I begin to wonder if its popularity is partly due to the fact that we identify with an emotion that is very much a part of today’s stressful society. At home, you may be faced with another phenomenon – angry teens!

Now, who says anger is a bad thing? On the contrary, anger is needful and can be good for us! No kidding. It protects us; it sends bodily signals to forewarn us of danger and pumps adrenaline into our system to ready us for fight or flight. It sets our boundaries, defines our personal space and reflects our values.

Think about this: If someone comes up to us, scolds and punches us for no reason, it is the anger in us that tells us that person has crossed the boundary, eaten into our personal space and done something wrong.

In fact, during the teenage years, anger plays a key part in the process of teenagers separating from parents, in what psychologists call “individuation”. When they were a kid every decision, from the cereal they ate in the morning to the pyjamas they wore at night, was made for them. Now that they are teenagers, they want to have a say in everything.

Teens resent being dependent, but they’re afraid of having to take care of themselves. They are annoyed at being treated like an adult one minute and a child the next, but they often behave inconsistently themselves.

And then they bristle when you point this out to them.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not in any way condoning rudeness and violence but I do think that understanding your teenager’s anger and thinking differently about anger will help us respond to it more constructively.

In a society where violence is becoming common and often portrayed in the media, we need to help our teens control their anger – especially their anger at parents – and express it safely. Remember that anger is a normal emotion and those other feelings like helplessness, hurt, frustration, confusion and guilt are often expressed as anger.

Reaching out

Ask yourself: “How can the teenagers in our home express anger in acceptable ways? Do we provide our teenager with any safety valve to blow off steam?” We must make it clear to our teens that yelling, cursing, hitting and other forms of aggression are unacceptable.

There are non-violent ways to work off anger: stomping off to one’s room, pounding a pillow, twisting a towel, crying, talking it out, writing in a diary or doing some form of physical exercise.

In helping teens to deal with their anger, the example we set is crucial. Like younger children, teens take their cues from us. It is therefore important that we be aware of our own behaviour, so that we don’t become part of the problem.

Teens often like to bait their parents. Mothers and fathers who overreact can be drawn into a destructive pattern of pointless arguments. The last thing an out-of-control teen needs is an out-of-control parent.

Mothers and fathers need to ask themselves: “How do I behave when I’m angry at my teen? Would I want my teen to imitate me?”

Parents can work off anger using the techniques suggested above, too. When you feel your temperature rising over something your child has said or done, consciously force yourself to back off. Take time-out. Give yourself a chance to cool off and relax a little before confronting the issue.

It will help you keep things in perspective.

The way you talk is important. In the heat of argument, if you can’t help “sounding off” about your teen’s behaviour, do it without attacking his or her personality.

A practical approach is to start your sentences with the word “I”, followed by a statement of your feelings. “I don’t like it when you use that kind of language” or “I’m really upset when you take your anger out on me.”

This way you will avoid laying blame. In other words, speak as you would be spoken to.

The way you listen is also important in draining off your teen’s anger. It can be passive listening – silence is sometimes golden.

A more useful way to listen is by trying to understand what feelings lie behind your teen’s actions or words.

Your response should start with the word “you”, as in “You sound like you’re pretty frustrated” or “You look like you’re really fed up.” We all know how important it is to feel heard and understood, especially when we are upset. Remember that you should listen twice as much as you talk.

The Greek philosopher Aristotle said: “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

Together, self-awareness and self-control allow our teens/tweens to have more choice about how to act when they are feeling an intense emotion like anger. May we not have too many angry birds at home.

* Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.