Talking about the daddy 'issue'

I am most perturbed by the accepted concept of “parenting.” It seems to be a term usually allocated to what females do. A noun that encapsulates their “actions and reactions” related to the raising of their “issues.” The issues being the legal jargon for “children” which I discovered during a session with the amazing members of the Association of Women Lawyers on my radio show.

(As an aside, I chuckle every time I mentally refer to my Little Man as my “issue.” In every way he is and I wouldn’t have it any other way, although the plethora of ways one can take that term makes it all the more funny.)

So, back to parenting then. On too many levels it is a female role, at times one given to grandparents or primary caregivers other than the biological creators and here in Malaysia, very rarely with the male species.

Since we’ve been at Big School, I see the term “Parent” a lot. Parent-Teacher Association, letters started with Dear Parents, notes in the school book asking the parent to “please sort out your kid before he goes postal with the chalk at playtime.”

When I talk to “The Parents” though, there is a very strange fact coming to light. The noun is associated with women because invariably they are the ones owning it. It seems that I am encumbered with being a single parent because I rely solely on me.

The only difference between myself and a married woman with kids, it seems, is that they are single mothers/parents whilst having a partner or spouse.

Before the men gather pitchforks and light torches and knock on my door, let me say that I know many fathers who are working themselves hard and are fantastically good at putting on the parenting hat when they are present. In fact, the P-hat is always on even when they are absent. There are many very good reasons why they are not “fulltime” parents.

These fathers are emotionally torn when they are away and miss special days or the school play or doing the bedtime routine or cooking dinner.

These men and their partners are very much in sync and are parents together, with the onus falling on one more regularly because that’s the way the job goes. But it does affect them and they do grieve about it.

On the other hand, there are far too many fathers out there who do not seem to understand that they are parents and need to be active in parenting. Doing the school run does not count. Nor does laying the law down at the weekend. I shuddered when I heard one father tell me in earnest that his job as a parent is to make sure the fees are paid and the wife only has to do the easy part as she doesn’t work. They have three kids!

Too often a swipe is aimed at me for being a solo parent, a single mother.

My reaction is usually relief that I am. I do not think I could cope with having a husband who does not see it as his role to alternate nappy changes or milk needs at night with me, despite his work at the office and my work, be it at home or elsewhere, too. My gripe is that there is still a huge trophy placed on the male for having lightning seeds that explode into beautiful “issues” and then suddenly, his job is done. It’s time for him now. The “Breeder” has done his good deed.

I used to run a playgroup day at the family resource group IBU, and on one morning I started to see the plight of many women on a small scale.

One mum, who had been under the weather, told us about her really lovely, much-needed night out with the girls the Friday before. One of the mums asked who looked after the kids (that irked me, the benign implication was that they needed her to clarify whether she had done her duty first).

She replied that their dad, of course. At this point, the majority of the mums clapped with awe, telling her how wonderful her husband was to do this babysitting for one night.

Here’s the kicker, she was shocked by their reaction and said in a way only a New Zealander could: “No, he’s not. He’s doing what he’s supposed to, he’s their father!”

How many times do you feel surprised if you hear of a Wife who gets to go out at night and it’s the Husband who looks after the kids, not anyone else, because that’s his role? To be the parent too? To feed them, play with them, put them to bed, read them stories, help them with homework, take them to parties and to the gym.

Perhaps it’s upbringing. An accepted norm that actually fails everyone involved.

Everyone loses out on the most basic of human connection. This is not about roles. Whether you work 20 hours a day in an office or you travel a lot or you are a homemaker, if you have children, you are a parent.

No one deserves more sleep than the other, or “me-time” or to have a poo in peace. The kids will only have a chance at changing the way things are only if they are shown a different set of values.

So, come on all you Breeders out there, sometimes it isn’t a whole supersized bar of fun. It can be a monumental task overseeing the “issues.”

Especially on days when you are silently screaming and work isn’t done, when the sanity is slipping and you are at the end of your tether.

A while ago you stood up and said “I do” in some manner, then you multiplied and now 50% of the short straw is also yours, you know!

Asha Gill put her globetrotting life on hold to focus on the little man in her life and gain a singular perspective on the world. You can tune in to Asha’s show Eat, Love, Play on Capital FM 88.9, Mondays to Fridays, 10am-1pm. She’s always looking for stories to tell and ideas to share, so send her an email at [e-mail].