'I don't have any maternal instincts - is something wrong with me?'

It’s a myth that all women will automatically love their newborn child and instinctively know how to care for them; like most things in life, it is often a learnt process. — Filepic

I am a woman aged 33. I got married seven years ago. I have no urge to have any children. My mother always told me my maternal instinct would kick in with time, but it obviously has not. Is there something wrong with me?

No. Many people think that a maternal instinct is something all women will and should possess, but that is largely a myth.

It is perpetuated by humans watching mammals, and how animal mothers seem to “automatically” know what to do when they give birth to their babies.

But humans do not have the same instincts that animals do.

Most human behaviours are learned rather than evolved.

Really? What is maternal instinct anyway?

Maternal instinct is something inborn, natural or innate that makes a woman want to have children.

Sometimes it kicks in by a certain age if you have not had children by then.

And after giving birth, the woman would “instinctively” know how to take care of her child.

It is supposed to be an automatic and hormonal process that instantly takes place after your baby is born.

You are also automatically supposed to feel “motherly love”.

Really? So does it happen that way?

Not most of the time.

The new mother actually learns on the job, pretty much like anyone else doing something for the first time.

Some of it is by instruction from other mothers, especially the grandmothers.

Some of it is through reading parenting books.

Some of it is through observing what works and doesn’t work with the child, as well as with other children – and there are variations from child to child, even with siblings.

Even the “motherly love” part of it does not necessarily develop instantly after the baby is born.

The affection may only develop days after the birth.

But there are many women who struggle to develop affection for their baby even up to months after the birth.

When these feelings don’t happen immediately or take longer to develop, many women feel as though they have failed at being a mother.

Actually, they just need support and more hands-on experience.

The idea that having a baby will automatically be a wonderful, joyful experience that is the greatest feeling on earth and all rainbows and butterflies, is unrealistic and lets down many mothers painfully.

In truth, having a baby may be the most stressful thing you have ever experienced, just as it may also be the most joyful thing you have ever experienced.

With the stress comes joy, and vice versa.

Sometimes, there is a lot of stress and very little joy, and you wonder why you went through the experience in the first place.

So you may have to prepare for that as well.

Actually, I have always been made to feel that there is something wrong with me as a woman if I do not want kids.

The idea that just because you’re female, you should want kids and instinctively know what to do once they are born is unrealistic and unfair.

So don’t pay attention to such talk, no matter where it comes from – your husband, your mother, your in-laws, your friends, etc.

Unfortunately, this myth has been perpetuated by so many people, especially men.

It makes a woman feel inadequate if she does not want children, or if she has them, inadequate for not always instinctively knowing what to do with her child.

But my mother seems to have this maternal instinct. She knows me and my brother inside and out, and she always seemed to know what to do when we were growing up.

Actually, your mother learned this “on the job” too.

Through the very thorough experience of parenting you and your sibling, she would know what it means when you cry a certain way, or when you are hungry or sick.

She has to! You wouldn’t stop crying otherwise and continue disturbing the whole household!

She would have also learnt that you may be different from your brother and that you may react in a way that he does not in certain situations.

This is what it means when we say “a mother knows her children”.

This is mainly because she has spent so many hours with the both of you.

This closeness or bond is not limited to mothers; the connection happens with anyone who is close to a child.

This entire process is unconscious, but not necessarily instinctive.

But surely there are parenting hormones involved?

Pregnancy does trigger the production and circulation of certain hormones in a woman’s body that help the bonding process with the child.

According to studies, after a woman gives birth and nurses her baby, her body produces oxytocin, which induces lactation and also gives a calming effect.

Carrying a baby in your arms will also raise your oxytocin levels and make you feel “bonded” because you are calm and at peace.

In the first six months of a baby’s life, both new mothers and new fathers experience increased levels of oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine, which are all neurotransmitters that can affect your feelings.

Research suggests that this oxytocin boost is stimulated by touching the baby.

A woman’s caregiving instinct also depends on how much help they have with parenting, how they were raised, and how easy their pregnancy and childbirth process was.

Dr YLM graduated as a medical doctor, and has been writing for many years on various subjects such as medicine, health, computers and entertainment. For further information, email [e-mail]. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only, and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. Neither The Star nor the author gives any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to such information. The Star and the author disclaim all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.