Wife betrayed


I AM married with four teenage children. My husband and I have our own careers. I have trusted my husband whom I love dearly. Our relationship has been good and loving. Until now.

I used to introduce my female friends to him but he didn’t seem responsive towards them. Recently, however, he has been e-mailing, calling and SMS-ing some of them. I highlighted this to my husband and he denied it.

I have always respected his privacy but one day, I checked his cellphone and found intimate SMS-es from one of my friends who is single. When I asked him about it, he said she was just a good friend to him, just as she was to me. And he promised to stop. My friend blamed my husband for flirting with her and being very nice to her. Because of this my relationship with my friend has soured.

Now, my husband keeps his cellphone in his pocket all the time. He deletes the numbers of all incoming and outgoing calls as well as the SMS-es. He has set a password to his laptop computer and does not allow me access to it or his phone, like before.

One day, I found a cellphone in his trouser pocket when I was doing the laundry. On checking the phone I recognised a few of my friends’ numbers in it. There were also intimate SMS-es. I questioned my husband and he denied that the phone belongs to him.

I checked with the telco operator and was informed that the prepaid number was registered by the friend whom I had fallen out with. Again, denial from my husband.

I am now in a dilemma as I feel cheated. I love my husband and I am beginning to lose faith in myself and feel paranoid whenever my husband receives calls and SMS-es and acts in a peculiar manner. And when he is on the computer he will either instantly turn it off or open some other files as I come close to him.

I do not know how long this is going to last. The grief and pain I am going through is difficult to explain. I need solutions before the situation results in separation or suicide.

Lost And Confused

SORRY but the signs and evidence point to your husband’s emotional if not physical infidelity. He obviously has much to hide if he so deliberately keeps his cellphone and laptop away from you. But flirting with your girlfriends and being so obvious about it seems to lead to the conclusion that he wants you to find out about his games.

Now is not the time to lose faith in yourself. Thinking about suicide will drag you down. Think of your children and the family you want to protect. You cannot shut out the truth so get to the root of the matter. Confront your husband and do not let him tell more lies. Sometimes, a marriage can be threatened by the low-esteem of a spouse.

Are you more successful in your career at this point? Is your husband trying to prove that he is still attractive and virile? How is your sex life with him? Is your marriage hitting a level of boredom and routine? Think of any changes that could help you get to the crux of his behaviour.

However, do not allow your love for him to cower you into silence and submission. He might react in anger to cover up the truth. If you are the good wife, he may pass remarks such as “You think you are so perfect”. This means that he feels threatened and unhappy by your success. He will not ask for divorce because he is actually afraid of changes. He would prefer that you kick him out so that he does not need to live with the guilt. Then he could turn around and blame you for the failure of the marriage.

Be mindful that the downfall of a marriage can be ugly and painful. But some people manage to salvage love if both parties are prepared to forgive and work for a better ending.

Your husband is the key as he is the party going through the need for change. Why is he picking on your girlfriends? He must know that you will find out. He must be unhappy about some things but do not have the guts to tell you.

Ask him what he truly wants. Tell him you love him dearly but you will not accept his betrayal in guilt and silence. You are not to be made the culprit. If he loves you and his children, he should have the courage and decency to work this through with you.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15 Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.

Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15 Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my.

Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

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