Quirks and quacks

BELOW are some everyday scenarios which I seem to have trouble understanding.

1. The quicker way of going up … or down (Scene 1)

I recall visiting my grandfather at the hospital. There were people waiting for the lift on the ground floor. A pregnant lady and her husband; a man in a wheelchair and his daughter; a doctor or two, and a few other people waiting to plant kisses on the foreheads of their loved ones above.

There was a newly painted flight of stairs less than two metres from the lift. When it stopped, everyone stepped in.

The lift looked quite full when in came a man who calmly filled up the little breathing space that was left. A few seconds later, he went out when the door of the lift opened ... on the first floor!

2. The quicker way of going up … or down (Scene 2)

Spotted during lunch hour some days back were two healthy-looking men standing in front of the lift complaining about … well, the lift.

“Haiya, so slow one. Have to wait so long.”

Just a few steps away was the escalator. I did a quick estimate: the distance from where they were standing to the escalator and up to the floor they were headed was clearly “not so long one”. Note: This was a four-storey mall.

3. The thrill of being one car ahead

How exciting is it to honk the eardrums out of the driver in that yellow Kelisa in front, just so you can pass it with a muttered curse? And then be the proud driver of the first car in a line before a traffic light that’s clearly red?

4. Serving customers with a frown

Written clearly on the entrance of a cold office was “Customer Service”. As I approached a counter, I was greeted with a sigh.

The response after my query was: “You can call our customer call centre to fix it”. I got served.

5. The tendency to compare wealth

It puzzles me why we spend a year’s wages on the One Big Day. What puzzles me more are the things people say:

“Eh, dia kasi hantaran kasut Vincci je? Kalau I, kena kasi Miu Miu.” (He gave only Vincci shoes for the dowry. I would give Miu Miu.)

“I tak nak kahwin lagi. Sebab tengah kumpul duit nak beli Jimmy Choo’s.” (I don’t wish to get married yet. I’m saving to buy Jimmy Choo’s.)

The last time I checked, marriage was about love, not a woman’s fixation about designer shoes. No, I do not want a Vincci. Or a Miu Miu. Hand me a pair of Bata slippers painted with art and poetic words of love instead, my dear.

6. The fascination with going around in circles at the parking lot

Notice how people will not park at Zone Z, despite the many inviting, empty lots there. Instead, they’ll spend an hour circling Zone A, which is nearest to the mall entrance.

7. The music people hear in honks

Was it the bumper sticker at the back of the Satria? Or a rough night out in the city? What makes a bunch of drivers run amok with all sorts of honking rhythms in an empty basement parking lot at seven in the morning?

8. Butt-kissing those with titles

Do you smile at the old lady who sits on the same spot across the street every other day because she probably could use a stranger’s smile?

Or do you smile to Ali everytime you bump into him because, last year, his name became longer by a word – Datuk?

I’ll stop here. Not that going further will help me understand the need to rush. Or the greed for money, material things and power. Perhaps I don’t quite belong in the city.

I walked down the stairs after visiting Tok on the eighth floor. It was a beautiful day; he had smiled as I planted a kiss on his forehead.

As I skipped along, I hummed a nursery rhyme. Upon reaching the ground floor, I bumped into the man who had stepped out of the lift at level one.

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