To manage their kid’s anxiety, parents need to first regulate themselves and address any feeling of powerlessness. Photo: Freepik
Fear has its functions, protecting us from danger – but it can also become so overwhelming that it is unbearable.
Children and young people are more stressed than previous generations, partly due to global crises and the pressure to perform at school.
Psychologist Elisabeth Raffauf has written about this and shares some insights about what’s behind youngsters’ fears and how parents can support their children – even if they are unsure themselves.
What are children and young people afraid of these days?
Raffauf: When I was doing research for my book, I realised that adult worries have reached children’s rooms. Children are afraid of war and that the poles are melting and there will soon be no more polar bears.
Some say, “I’m afraid that my friend or I myself will be deported.” There are also teenagers who are afraid of too many strangers.
That comes on top of fears children have always had, which are greater than ever: Fear of failure, fear of loneliness, of being marginalised and of being sucked into the digital world.
What happens inside when we are afraid?
Psychologically, anxiety can be described as feeling helpless and powerless and that everything seems to be too much. Adults are also familiar with this. In response, you often try to control things and make them perfect in order to feel you have something under control. We also see this in children.
School pressure is a big issue in this context – I asked children and young people whether they recognise feelings like panic, and most of them said: “Yes, when it comes to school, before or during work, I get palpitations.”
Can anxiety be productive too?
Yes, in the moment when we can look at it and don’t have to push it away. Anxiety is our body’s alarm system and is not fundamentally bad.
When we look at it, we can ask ourselves: Is it a real, reasonable fear or something I’ve built up in my head?
Fear of the climate crisis is quite realistic, and images of war naturally trigger fears. And it’s good if we’re not alone in this. That reduces the fear.
Parents and children can look together and ask, “What can we do?”
Even with issues like war, there are things we can actively do, such as donating things to refugees or going to a demonstration as a family. If we show our children that we adults are taking responsibility, that gives them hope and boosts their self-confidence.
It is important that you first confirm to children that yes, “the feeling is right, I can trust it.” If parents say, “You don’t need to be afraid,” the child thinks their feeling is wrong and that is very unsettling.
What are warning signs that could show my child has an anxiety problem and that I need to respond as a parent?
Sometimes it’s not immediately clear. I can pay attention to whether my child has changed in any way, whether they are different than before, absent, don’t feel like eating, are sleeping badly or are withdrawn. Be attentive and have a feel for your child.
Rauff says parents should be attentive and have a feel for their children. Photo: Freepik
And if I see this, what should I do?
Definitely speak to your child openly. You can say something like, “How are you doing? I notice that you don’t feel like meeting your friends any more. What does that mean?” That shows, “You can talk to me, I won’t judge what you say and I will take it seriously.”
When it comes to war or disasters, you can also ask: “Did you talk about it at nursery or school? Did you hear anything about it?” If not, you don’t have to force it on your child, but you’re signalling that you are there if your child wants to talk.
Are there playful ways to address anxiety?
Absolutely. You can draw a fear and then talk about the picture. Sometimes it also helps if you don’t sit opposite each other, but have a conversation in passing.
Maybe when you are baking a cake. While you are stirring the mixture, you are both pretty relaxed which makes it easier to talk about topics that are otherwise difficult – for children and parents alike.
What can parents do to help children go through life feeling strong and self-confidence?
Take your child seriously and treat them with respect. Children have good ideas and you should see which ones you can realise.
That gives kids the feeling that they can make a difference which counters feelings of powerlessness and helplessness.
It is also important if you have a basic attitude of “All feelings are allowed.” That includes fear and sadness. You can only be sad if you know you will be comforted.
Parents should allow this moment to happen and not jump straight to solutions. First, comfort your child and then look: What do we need?
Giving our children a safe base like this is a good starting point for them to go out into the world.
As a parent, I need to feel reasonably stable myself – so how do I deal with my own insecurities and fears?
I should reflect on my own fears and see what I need. In other words, first regulate myself and address any feeling of powerlessness.
That might involve me talking to friends or my partner, for example, to share the burden. And then look together with these other adults, and ask, How can we help each other?
I can also admit my own fears to my child – but keep a handle on this and don’t make your child comfort you as that would be a reversal of the roles.
Where is the boundary between normal fears and an anxiety disorder?
It’s a blurred line. I’m not happy with the word anxiety disorder because it implies that you have a disorder yourself – after all, it might be that the environment is disturbed and you are responding to it in quite a normal way.
At the point where anxiety is getting in the way of my life, that is when it is important to get professional help – better too early than too late. When it comes to therapy for children, however, I think it’s important to remember that adults may also need to take a different approach.
Self-reflection is the be-all and end-all here. Am I perhaps putting pressure on my child even where I am not aware of it, for example with their school grades?
You can get help from friends by asking them, “Do you think I’m being too strict?” If parents are prepared to question themselves, youngsters often feel better. – dpa
