The couple also share that they still experience gender biases in Japan and share that dismantling biases will take time and the conscious effort from everyone.—AZMAN GHANI/The Star
For Hendry Ng, 67, and his wife Catherine Choong, 65, the decision on which one of them should stay home and raise their two boys was a well-considered but easy one: Choong, who was always the bigger earner, had just set up her own law firm and so it seemed only logical that Ng become the houseparent.
“I was considered a househusband as I did not hold a full-time job and was always at home raising the kids,” says Ng. “To others it may not be, but to us it was a necessity to have one of us stay home with the children.
“My mother, back then, told us that she would not be looking after the grandchildren so it was actually something we didn’t have a choice with,” says Ng, adding that he wanted to be there for the children and ferry them around instead of having someone else do it.
So, while he stayed at home to raise the children, Choong became the primary breadwinner.
This was more than three decades ago, before “househusbands” became a trend on TikTok (the hashtag #stayathomehusband raked close to 150 million views last year) .... in fact, before TikTok or social media even existed. Being trailblazers, going against traditional gender roles which dictate that men are the breadwinners while women cared for the household and children, wasn’t a big deal for Ng who said he was always keenly aware that he would probably always earn less than his wife, whom he describes as ambitious.
“But it has never been an issue to have her earning more. I never felt inferior,” he says.
“It can be a constant struggle for many men, with their ego, to have their wife earn more than them and this can be hard to overcome. I’m lucky that I have a very understanding wife and, I suppose, I overcame this issue by understanding right from the start that I was marrying a woman who is ambitious,” shares Ng, who studied software engineering.
While bringing up their two sons, Linus (who is now 36), and Rufus, 34, Ng completed his postgraduate studies – both his masters and PhD – and worked as a part-time lecturer.
“It took me six years to finish my doctoral research. It was definitely challenging to ensure the children were taken care of everyday while doing it. My wife doesn’t sleep well at night, so I was the one to wake up early and get the kids out of bed in time for school.”
The decision on who would stay home to raise their children was something the two agreed.
However, Ng says that though he was the one at home, both he and Choong shared the load at home.
Finances were never an issue for the couple as they agreed to pool whatever they earned for the family: There was no such thing as “what’s yours, is yours and what’s mine, is mine”.
“We spend only on necessities. To us, no matter what, the children would always come first,” says Ng, adding that these are the few lessons he would like to pass on to his boys.
“When you marry someone, don’t expect to change them. You have to learn to accept them for who they are,” says Ng. “As you age, newer issues will surface and if you were to get annoyed at everything or if you cannot settle these issues, the annoyances will build up. So, just accept your partner as they are,” says Ng.
Men have often been the default breadwinner of the family, a role that has been firmly set in stone for centuries by social norms dictated by the patriarchy. The patriarchy, according to feminist scholar and activist bell hooks, is a political-social system that “insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak”.
But with the number of women rising in the workforce – in many cases because of economic necessity – traditional gender roles within the family are being challenged, albeit slowly.
In Malaysia, the Employees Provident Fund’s (EPF) i-Sayang financial facility was recently expanded to include house husbands. This was among the highlights of the 2024 Budget that was tabled by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim in the Dewan Rakyat last October.
Whether because of economic necessity or changing norms, traditional gender roles are slowly changing. - 123rf.com
Breaking the mould
When the pandemic hit, Rezal Jay, 48, found himself jobless as he was retrenched from his job as a writer. Overnight, his wife Layla S., 51, became the main breadwinner of their family, and continues to be so even though he has since found steady freelance work.
Though a turn of events such as this, which shifted the dynamics in their household, could have rocked their relationship, it turned out well for the couple: He didn’t feel his masculinity threatened and she didn’t feel uncomfortable being the main financial provider.
“The women in my family have always worked, therefore (for me) it is very normal for both parties to be contributing to the household and even for the woman to be contributing more,” says Rezal.
“I wasn’t raised to believe in gender specific roles or anything, such as women needing to be the one to stay at home, tending to the house. And we share an understanding that the both of us have equal responsibility in helping around with what needs to be done in the house.”
He adds that he didn’t see why he should feel “less of a man” just because his wife was earning more.
“Women climbing the ladder and earning more shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve never had an issue with it. In fact, previously in my job, all my bosses were women. Even at home,” he says, with a laugh.
For Layla, being raised largely by her mum meant that she was lucky not to have been exposed to traditional gender roles as much: Her mother managed the household finances and raised her and her siblings on her own after their father passed away when she was 10 (and her siblings, 13 and 17 respectively).
“To be honest, I only wondered how losing his job would affect Rezal. But, actually, I think he’s a lot happier now and that is a relief for me. We have no children and so we are able to live comfortably on our combined, albeit smaller, income,” she says. “Although, we do get comments from people, some of whom have asked me, ‘isn’t your husband planning to go back to work full-time?’. I simply say ‘no’, which either abruptly ends the conversation or could start one about the gender roles we’ve been conditioned to accept,” she says. “Either way, it’s good.”
Because Rezal is at home more now, much of the daily chores like cleaning, doing the laundry and feeding the family dog is done by him. He shares that it is “no big deal” as he had to do house chores when he was growing up, along with his sister.
In fact, the couple laugh as they share how Rezal does a much better job at sweeping the house and so, even though never discussed, he naturally does it most of the time.
Both of them agree that the outdated gender-biased breadwinner model is just as limiting and stifling for women as it is for men.
“I guess it boils down to the values you hold. We’re always told that as men we’re the ‘head of the family’ and are ‘responsible’ for the family. That naturally puts a lot of pressure on men. But I think when Covid happened, there were a lot of uncertainties – people were laid off and all that, which may have changed people’s perpectives somewhat,” says Rezal.
“If we’re rigid about our roles, then these uncertainties could bring a lot of stress and affect relationships,” he adds. “Plus, in this day and age, it only makes sense to not just have one sole breadwinner as with rising cost of living, families need both spouses to help out in the income of the family.”
“And the housework, too,” Layla adds.
A marriage of equals
Nur Adilla, 31, and Hazman Baharom, 32, have built their marriage on the principle of equality. Right from the start, Adilla says that she was determined to make sure there was equality in their relationship as she didn’t want to “repeat the mistakes of the past”.
“We got married really young,” explains Adilla. “I was 22 and Hazman was 23 and it really scared me to think that our marriage could become a replica of what I’ve seen with women in the previous generation ... how they lived their lives.”
Adilla admits that she got married early because she didn’t want to be under the wings of her parents anymore: She longed for independence and she sought to do this by having a long, frank discussion with Hazman on how they would make sure theirs was an equal relationship from the get-go.
Adilla (left) and Hazman are currently both doctoral students at Waseda University in Tokyo, Japan. - Azman Ghani/The Star
Nine years in, they seemed to have found their groove.
The couple are currently both doctoral students at Waseda University in Tokyo, Japan. Hazman, who is pursuing his PhD in International Studies in Politics and Religion shares how there was a point in their relationship when he did feel threatened by Adilla’s success.
“It was several years ago. I felt myself feeling threatened when Adilla was selected for an international programme in Argentina. After she returned, I felt like I was less of a person compared to her as she had achieved this milestone in life and I hadn’t. I let this affect me and I was cold towards her,” admits Hazman.
Adilla, who is doing her PhD in International Studies with a focus on Gender and in South East Asia, clearly remembers the incident. They resolved the issue the same way they always do: They sat down for an open conversation and unpacked all the feelings Hazman had been repressing.
“We’re brought up in a society where men are taught that they are superior to women; and if a woman is doing better it means that there’s something wrong with you.
“But I believe the fault does not lie with the person per se. Instead, what is wrong is the (patriarchal) system which causes many men to feel threatened when they see women doing well or better than them,” says Hazman.
Adds Adilla, “To move forward is also very difficult as we have all these ‘learnings’ that are embedded in society. Little boys are being told all kinds of things, such as ‘If you’re a boy, you should do better, you should be above, you should win’ or ‘You’re a boy, how could you let a girl defeat you?’.
She shares that though it will not be easy to dismantle the patriarchal gender roles and create new norms, such a task would demand the cooperation of both men and women.
But the payoff will be worth it.
It isn’t just men who need to change, points out Adilla. Women, too, need to understand the biases that our very unequal society has taught us to accept.
The couple also share that they still experience gender biases in Japan.
“We went on a walk ... we were out looking for a certain castle and there was a Japanese man in his sixties in our group. I introduced myself and Adilla and told him that we were both PhD students at Waseda University.
“But throughout the walk, which lasted around 30 minutes, he kept referring to me as the PhD student and Adilla as a housewife,” says Hazman.
Adilla explains: “Waseda University is considered a very prestigious university and there aren’t many women who study here.
“So, when I tell people that I’m doing a PhD here, they would ask me why since I’m a woman and didn’t ‘need’ to. But, when it comes to my husband, they would call him a genius for getting in.”
The only piece of advice the academic couple have for other couples: Have a growth mindset, together.
“We each have our own niche areas in which we have an expertise, and it’s quite clear that when it comes to professional development we’re each our own person ... we don’t need to ask permission to keep growing.
“She will keep growing in her own way and I will in my own way and we don’t restrict each other in this sense.”
Adilla feels that couples must not stifle their partner’s growth.
“Especially for younger couples, I think it’s really important to remind ourselves that we’re not stagnant and can constantly change.
“But with a growth mindset, we also need to be open in accepting the changes of the other person and come to terms that they’re no longer the same,” concludes Adilla.
