My battle with anxiety

Hafizah: Having moral support does help ease those struggling with anxiety.

FROM a very young age, I have always been anxious. There was constantly something that could go wrong, and a sense of dread over things that seemed mundane and easy to most people.

My school report cards often came with a note from my teachers about my “shyness” and unwillingness to speak up in class.

It was never something anyone truly seemed concerned about, though.

Many passed me off as “too shy for her own good”; some said l would grow out of it while others insisted I was doing it on purpose for attention or deemed me either too sensitive or weak.

Despite what some of these people might think, I wasn’t doing anything for attention. In fact, I thrived on avoiding any attention if I could.

I remember an incident that occurred during my mathematics class when I was eight. The teacher had asked me to solve an equation on the board, which I struggled to complete.

When I admitted it, I couldn’t help but feel the burn of all 30 pairs of eyes on me.

I remember feeling as if the world had closed in on itself, trapping me with nowhere to run or hide yet allowing everyone to judge me and see me at what felt like the lowest point of my life.

I broke into silent tears, as all these emotions gnawed at me. I felt like the biggest joke in the world. I wished it would be the last time I felt that way.

The incident stuck to my memory as it fed into my growing anxiety while I grew older. I became even more conscious of how people would perceive me and I grew more afraid of taking chances or being courageous in any sense.

My anxiety also made me an overthinker. I started second-guessing myself and all of the choices I made.

A numb sensation would overtake my body and sometimes it took me more than half an hour to shake it off. My heart would pound in my chest as if it were running a marathon and I would fidget restlessly. Sleep did not come easy at night because of this.

I never raised my hand in class, even when I was almost certain I had the correct answer. No matter how confident I could be in myself, there was always that voice of doubt threatening any peace I had in my head.

Adults often urged me to speak up over and over again, even making me repeat my sentences. The pressure of being better and of putting myself out there only made me retreat even further into my shell. How do you speak when other people are yelling at you to be louder? Society should learn to be less judgemental and strive to be more empathetic towards people dealing with anxiety, instead of saying stuff like “It’s all in your head”, “Get over it”, or “You’re imagining it or making it all up”. Try using words of encouragement to show them your support, and do not dismiss or invalidate their struggles.

My friends certainly helped me a lot as they would encourage me and cheer me on whenever I attempted to take small steps to put myself out there.

Having moral support does help ease those struggling with anxiety.

I still have a long way to go before I can say I successfully battled anxiety. Even if I might never fully overcome it, I am grateful for the progress I have made and the lessons I have learnt.

Hafizah, 16, a student in Selangor, is a participant of the BRATs Young Journalist Programme run by The Star’s Newspaper-in-Education (Star-NiE) team. For more information, go to facebook.com/niebrats.