My battles with self-harm

SELF-HARM is when an individual harms himself or herself as a way of dealing with certain emotions or issues. I had done it before. It began when I was 12.

I was to sit for my Ujian Pencapaian Sekolah Rendah (UPSR) that year, and the preparation for the exam stressed me out tremendously.

Each day, I had to complete my homework and attend private tuition classes, not to mention the intensive classes my school provided.I began losing myself in the Internet where I stumbled across netizens claiming that self-harm was a way they coped with stress and other emotions. As I was overwhelmed with stress and was desperate for any solution to feel at peace with myself, I considered the act without thinking twice.

I bought into the claims by netizens saying it had “helped” them and “calmed” them down.

There are many methods that can be used to carry out self-harm. One of the most common is cutting. Luckily, I was not brave enough for that.

The method I used was by whipping my right arm with a rope. The truth is, instead of feeling “calm” or “relieved” by it, I felt burning pain.

Even so, I did not put an end to it, using the pain as a way to “punish” myself. I would whip my arm if I got a bad grade or if I messed up a test, believing that I deserved the treatment for failing to fulfil expectations.

I kept telling myself to be “the best”, the “perfect” one in everything – one wrong step and I would hurt myself.

This continued even after my UPSR. My arm developed the ability to heal fast due to the constant repetition of whipping. I got hooked and could not stop the routine.

Things did not go easier for me as I entered secondary school. I struggled with the subjects and topics so much so that my average grades were Cs and Ds.

When my parents found out about my destructive behaviour, I thought they would help me, but they made me feel worse about myself. The first thing they asked me was, “Do you really hate us that much?”

Eventually, my friends found out about my secret and reported me to our school counsellor. Unfortunately, that made things a lot worse.

The school counsellor told me that it was my fault for being in the situation in the first place. She also reported me to my parents a few times.

I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I remember returning to my class with tears streaming down my face each time I was called to the counsellor’s office.

Over time, as I learnt that I was not the only one who had this habit of self-harm, I reached out to a friend who had experienced it.

Thankfully for him, he stopped the act a long time ago. Getting to know his struggles and his recovery process was what motivated me to stop hurting myself. It was quite difficult at first. By then, I had fallen behind in my subjects and my grades did not magically go up. But I did manage to stop hurting myself. Watching videos about other survivors of self-harm and listening to music helped too.

Being in this journey was like navigating a ship over big ocean waves. I still vividly remember the nights I had cried myself to sleep.Self-harm, as I have found out, does not necessarily mean that one wants to end one’s life.

As I learnt more about the issue, I also gained more courage in facing my problems and helping others overcome theirs.

I hope there is more awareness of self-harm among students, parents and teachers, so that those suffering can find the right help.

Natalie*, 15, a student in Selangor, is a participant of the BRATs Young Journalist Programme run by The Star’s Newspaper-in-Education (Star-NiE) team. *Name has been changed to protect the student’s identity.

Those suffering from problems can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service at 03-2935 9935 or 014-322 3392; Talian Kasih at 15999 or 019-261 5999 on WhatsApp; Jakim’s (Department of Islamic Development Malaysia) family, social and community care centre at 0111-959 8214 on WhatsApp; and Befrienders Kuala Lumpur at 03-7627 2929 or go to befrienders.org.my/centre-in-malaysia for a full list of numbers nationwide and operating hours, or email [e-mail].