‘No perks being a wallflower’

Hayley: I realised that it was because I was so insecure that I didn’t trust the unknown.

“KEEP your chin up!” my dad instructed. “Say hello and thank you. Look people in the eye. It’s rude to avoid eye contact.”

“Dad, I know but I can’t do it...”

I used to be a stubborn wallflower. At school, I was mostly sullen and tight-lipped but when it came to answering questions, I was eager to take part – boisterously even, because I sat far away from my teachers and didn’t have to look them in the eye to communicate.

I talked little with my peers. That was fine – shyness, to me, was not a problem as long as I aced tests.

The real trouble arose when I was in the public setting. For some obscure reason, I just couldn’t make myself greet people accordingly, or even smile.

I was secretly terrified that if our eyes met, they’d somehow suck out my soul – it sounds ridiculous but that was how I felt.In hindsight, I guess I was more scared of the idea of doing it than the actual action itself because what was the worst that could happen?

Whenever my parents dragged me out – not literally but close to that – to meet people, I clammed up automatically.

If I had been relaxed, I would become tightly wound as a spring. I would sweat and mumble “Hi, aunty” or “Hello, uncle”, while keeping my gaze firmly glued to the floor.

My shoulders would hunch as low as they managed to reach, and I would ignore the uncomfortable fact that my parents’ friends were staring at me, wondering what was the matter with this terribly rude kid.

As you can imagine, these meetings never ended well. I was usually in tears when they were over or just plain sulky.

I hated greeting people whom I didn’t know. It was like I had a plug suddenly shoved down my throat that I couldn’t dislodge.

My parents were incensed. Predictably.

“How are you going to operate on your own in the future?” my mother lambasted. “You’re growing older by the minute. You’re going to seriously lose out if you don’t pull yourself together quick!”“What’s wrong?” my dad asked worriedly. “That wasn’t an interview or anything remotely close to one. You had to only say hello and look friendly. Oh, what are we going to do with you?”

I felt like the worst child ever. Upset with my social incompetence and desperate to solve it quickly, I grew more withdrawn.

Those years were not happy ones. I knew I was growing rapidly. If I didn’t pull myself together, as my mother had said, I seemed doomed for life.

What is it about shyness that prevents us from being our normal selves?

Because I couldn’t muster the courage to return a greeting, I had often embarrassed my parents and mortified the people I crossed paths with.

I did not like the fact that I was embarrassing my parents and myself. Self-blame is incredibly corrosive, as I had discovered.

No matter how fiercely I shovelled guilt onto myself, I couldn’t take that one step forward. If anything, I became worse, looking sour and unhappy through the ages of 10 to 12.

I was afraid of new experiences, and it didn’t help that I shied away from everyone else.

But then I shot up a few inches and breezed through my lower secondary school years. I began to grow more confident and self-assured.

I started to feel less nervous about being around others. People didn’t seem so scary like before. I wondered why I had been shy at all.

Then I realised that it was because I was so insecure that I didn’t trust the unknown. I was uncomfortable around new people because they knew nothing about me.

I felt bad that I had been so rude, but I have made amends by saying hello and thank you with a smile whenever I was given an opportunity – life doesn’t get any simpler than this.

Hayley, 15, a student in Penang, is a participant of the BRATs Young Journalist Programme run by The Star’s Newspaper-in-Education (Star-NiE) team.

1 One’s shyness can come off as rude to other people.

What do you think are some other characteristics or behaviours that can appear rude to society in general?

2 If you could write a letter to Hayley’s former self, how would you encourage her to overcome her struggles with shyness?

Write out the letter in at least 150 words.

3 In social situations, we are expected by society to practise social etiquette, which means speaking or behaving in a polite manner.

Look in today’s copy of the Sunday Star newspaper for a photograph or comic strip that shows an unfolding scenario.

Based on the scenario, can you list three ways in which the people involved can practise social etiquette?

When you are done, discuss your views with an activity partner.

Since 1997, The Star’s Newspaper-in-Education (Star-NiE) programme has supported English language teaching and learning in primary and secondary schools nationwide. Through Star-NiE’s teacher and student workshops, annual contests and monthly English language resources for classroom use, participants of the programme reportedly showed marked interest in the language and progress in their proficiency. Now in its 25th year, Star-NiE is continuing its role of promoting the use of English language through a weekly activity page in StarEdu. These activities are suitable for use individually and in groups, at home and in the classroom, across varied proficiency levels. Parents and teachers are encouraged to work on the activities with their children and students. In addition, Star-NiE’s BRATs Young Journalist Programme will continue to be a platform for participants to hone and showcase their English language skills, as well as develop their journalistic interests and instincts. Follow our updates at facebook.com/niebrats. For Star-NiE enquiries, email [e-mail].