A quick "Sorry" and everyone moves on – this usually won't cut it, since a genuine apology needs more to resonate or have much positive effect.
In fact, superficial apologies often do more harm than good, as US psychologist Adam Grant and guests on his podcast WorkLife recently explained.
Beth Polin, a professor of management who has conducted extensive research on apologies and trust, said that while people often apologize, they frequently do so incorrectly. According to Polin, a good apology consists of five elements:
- Regret – honest and palpable
- Rationale – without excuses
- Responsibility – "That was my mistake."
- Repentance – a clear "I will do things differently in the future."
- Repair – concrete and active
But Polin also adds a sixth, often overlooked point: the invitation to forgiveness. She explains that those who have sincerely apologized can conclude the conversation with an open question, such as "Can you forgive me?" or "Are we okay now?"
Even if the other person needs time, this signals a willingness to genuinely heal the relationship.
A half-hearted apology, by contrast, can feel like yet another insult, Grant says. Statements like "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "Sorry, I feel bad about it too" are counterproductive, according to the experts.
In fact, the phrase itself – whether "sorry," "I apologize" or something similar – is not the decisive part of an apology. It is not even among the three most important components, as Polin's research has shown.
The most important aspect is acknowledging your own responsibility. If there is only room for three elements, this point must be included, Polin said, along with a comprehensible explanation and an offer to make amends.
Incidentally, many people avoid apologizing because they are afraid it will make them look weak, Grant says. However, apologizing does not make us lose anything – on the contrary, it enables us to correct our mistakes.
Properly apologizing is, in fact, a power move, he argues. If we do not admit our mistakes, we cannot make amends, repair the damage, learn from them or grow as a result.
"An apology is not an admission that you're a bad person. It's a step toward becoming a better person — and an expression of care for the other person," Grant says.
The best apology is, therefore, a change in behaviour, Grant believes. Only those who demonstrate that they have learned from their mistakes can truly rebuild trust. – dpa
