When faced with a passive-aggressive colleague, responding with direct aggression is counterproductive. — Photo: Tirachard / Getty Images, via ERTX Daily Up
They accept your requests with a smile, then mysteriously “forget” every deadline. They compliment you on your presentation, pointing out that they can “finally” see your efforts.
Or they suddenly disappear from your Teams conversations without explanation. These colleagues have mastered the art of passive-aggressive behavior, that invisible form of violence that poisons the atmosphere without leaving a trace.
These passive-aggressive behaviors, which are particularly prevalent in the workplace, constitute a form of covert aggression that is difficult to identify and combat.
Unlike open conflicts, these kinds of behaviors play on ambiguity and leave their victims helpless in the face of indirect but repeated attacks.
The psychological impact can be devastating, including loss of confidence, chronic stress, feelings of isolation, and constant questioning of one's own perceptions.
However, understanding the psychological drivers behind passive aggression can help you protect yourself effectively.
Passive-aggressive behavior stems from a desire for status and hypersensitivity to criticism, as Daniel Waldeck and Rachael Leggett from Coventry University explain in an article on The Conversation.
Vulnerable narcissists use these strategies to maintain their position without exposing themselves to direct criticism.
Being excluded from an event at work or having their ideas ignored can trigger a defensive reaction.
Rather than openly expressing their frustration, they opt for indirect methods that allow them a way out of doing so.
These mechanisms manifest themselves in warning signs that are easy to recognize once identified.
Social exclusion is one of the preferred tactics: avoiding eye contact in meetings, remaining silent in response to work-related messages, or deliberately excluding certain individuals from team communications.
Backhanded compliments are another weapon of choice – “Well done on that presentation. You did a great job, for once”– allowing doubt to be instilled under the guise of kindness.
Added to this are indirect criticism, which involves “innocently” sharing embarrassing anecdotes in public, and sabotage through procrastination.
The latter technique involves systematically postponing shared tasks until the last minute, turning the passive-aggressive person's personal urgency into collective stress.
Research on this subject reveals that repeated exposure to these behaviors causes anxiety, depression, and a significant drop in self-esteem among victims, accompanied by a growing sense of powerlessness.
Taking back control
When faced with this kind of behavior, responding with direct aggression is counterproductive and only fuels the cycle of tension.
There are several effective approaches to regaining control. Setting clear boundaries is the first line of defense.
For example, calmly express your expectations by saying, “I've noticed that you haven't responded to my messages for three days. I'm available to talk when you're ready to communicate respectfully.”
This direct but non-aggressive approach forces the person out of the shadows of ambiguity.
At the same time, “gray rocking,” a technique that involves becoming as uninteresting as possible during interactions, deprives the passive-aggressive person of the emotional reaction they seek.
When faced with a comment like “Are you leaving already?,” a simple “mmm” discourages further provocation.
Whatever you do, always make sure you protect your mental well-being. Resist internalizing comments from passive-aggressive colleagues by reminding yourself that their behavior reflects their own insecurities.
Cultivate your personal life and friendships outside the office to maintain perspective. If these problematic behaviors come from your superiors, document everything: emails, incidents, dates, etc.
This traceability will protect you if the situation escalates. Don't hesitate to alert HR with concrete evidence or seek support from trusted colleagues.
The goal is not to change the passive-aggressive person's behavior, but to control your own reactions to it, in order to create an environment where such behavior becomes ineffective.
By focusing on what you can do, you regain control of your professional experience. Remember that their power ends where your indifference begins. – ETX Daily Up
