Love and sex are not the same, so it is perfectly possible for asexual persons to have romantic relationships. — dpa
Sex plays an important role in everything from television series to parties and chats with friends and acquaintances.
So if you find the subject somehow uninteresting, you may be wondering, “Am I different?”
Some people never feel drawn to the topic, and for them, that’s quite all right.
This is called asexuality.
But it may seem unclear whether this is really about sexual orientation or perhaps only a phase.
Clinical psychologist Robert Coordes, who is also the director-founder of the Institute for Relationship Dynamics in Berlin, Germany, spells out how to recognise asexuality, and why this state isn’t necessarily a problem.
The prefix “a” is from the Greek, which means “none” or “without”, and is used to express the lack or absence of something.
So asexuality can be recognised when you feel neither any sexual desire nor have any sexual fantasies or daydreams.
Asexuality is not a disturbance, but is instead overwhelmingly regarded as being a sexual orientation.
What’s important to remember is that this is not a problem to be solved, as long as the person does not feel any sense of suffering.
The difference to a temporary lack of desire is found above all in the consistency.
Those who are under stress or in a relationship crisis or facing health issues can, for the time being, feel little sexual desire, and this is completely normal.
Asexual persons permanently feel no or very little sexual attraction to other people.
They often lack sexual attraction for many years, independent of external conditions.
And being asexual does not automatically mean not wanting any human contact.
Many people who describe themselves as asexual have loving, romantic relationships.
And many people discover only very late that they can describe themselves as asexual – often following a long period when they tried to fit in or after lengthy attempts to be otherwise.
In my counselling practice, I always advise people not to be too quick in giving themselves a label, but instead, to give themselves time to think things through.
They can ask themselves these questions:
- How long has this condition lasted so far?
- Were there phases of sexual attraction?
- Is the topic of sexuality something fundamentally neutral, or unpleasant, or simply non-existent?
Asexuality is primarily described as a sexual orientation, meaning a stable pattern in which people feel none, or only minimal, sexual attraction towards others.
This is not an illness or a deficit or symptom in a classic sense.
Above all, it isn’t if the asexual person is not suffering from it.
Naturally, there can be phases in life when interest in sex disappears, be it perhaps due to depression, overburdening or rediscovered trauma.
In this case, we speak of a secondary lack of desire or non-appetite, and not of asexuality.
The decisive difference is this: With psychological burdens, there emerges a suffering caused by a lack of desire.
By contrast, asexual people feel mostly in harmony with themselves when they have come to understand who they are.
In therapy sessions, we therefore look very closely.
Is the lack of sexual attraction a consequential expression of their own experience or maybe a withdrawal as a result of feeling overwhelmed, anxious or pain?
You can’t always immediately differentiate between the two.
And for precisely this reason, self-reflection is so important.
Ideally, this takes place in a protected framework, free of shame and with much patience.
Asexuality does not automatically mean being incapable of having a relationship.
Many people who have no interest in sex can have very loving, stable and binding partnerships.
When a person who finds they are asexual has a relationship with a person who likewise feels that way, then this is fundamentally not a problem.
The challenge is more one when the needs within the relationship must be openly and honestly sorted out, especially when one partner wants sexual closeness, but the other does not feel the same way, or does so only slightly.
In such a constellation it’s not about what is right and what is wrong, but rather about compatibility and mutual understanding.
What’s important is that both sides can state their needs without guilt, pressure or shame.
This can also mean finding creative solutions together, for example, trying out other forms of intimacy, alternative relationship models, or a consciously-established measure of sexual activity with which both sides can live with.
Fundamentally speaking, a relationship is not automatically doomed to fail when sexual attraction is different for the partners.
But it does require conscious communication, emotional openness and an honest assessment of what is bearable for both. – By Alicia Windzio/dpa
