Parents need to grow along with their kids


  • Children
  • Friday, 15 May 2020

A difficult part of parenting is letting your child handle things in their own manner, including making their own mistakes. — Photos: PP

Parenting is an ongoing journey, and parents need to keep enriching and educating themselves as their child grows from an innocent baby into a mature adult.

Life is in constant flux and many parenting skills or practices from your childhood, or those you may have picked up along the way in dealing with your child, could now be considered outdated or unsuitable for the stage your child is in.

For example, fear-based methods of parenting were popular in the past, but nowadays, most experts agree that these methods are ineffective and that getting children to self-regulate is best.

While the basics are similar across different ages, the approach used should be tailored to each individual child to suit his age and stage of development.

Here are three points to keep in mind at all times:

No two children are alike

Recognise that each child is unique. Be receptive to these differences, especially between siblings and among other children.

More importantly, temper your expectations to match her capabilities and interests.

Children perform their best when standards are set to challenge, but not exceed, their abilities.

Physical health and wellness alone are insufficient

Cater to your child’s emotional and spiritual needs as they help give his life meaning.

For emotional needs, provide him with unconditional love, attention, acceptance and quality time spent together.

His spiritual needs can be shaped by religion, values, ethics, principles and morals.

However, keep in mind that children observe parental behaviour, thus parents need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

Encourage open communication

Learn to listen and let your child speak her mind (respectfully, of course).

This helps you keep up-to-date and current with what or how she is doing, thus providing you with a better idea of how to fine-tune your parenting approach.

Here’s a tip: we have two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak and keep an open mind on things that matter to your child.

Knowledge is power

Stay abreast of current parenting practices and any other knowledge related to parenting and child health.

However, when updating your knowledge from the internet and social media, there is always the danger of being influenced or misled by inaccurate, fake or faulty information.

To safely navigate this minefield of misinformation, you need to know where to find reliable information. Get started with these credible online resources:

At the same time, do stay on top of things by monitoring what influences your child’s thoughts and/or behaviours.

This includes the friends he spends time with, his use of the internet and social media, the type of entertainment or reading materials he enjoys, as well as how he spends his leisure time.

You don’t have to resort to spying on his every move, but talk (and listen) to him to get his take on things.

There will always be signs if something is not right, so stay alert.

It also helps if you know who his friends are as they may be able to provide you with clues in case something is troubling him.

Communication is the most important skill a parent can have.Communication is the most important skill a parent can have.

Letting go

Although parenting styles and strategies should be dynamic and adaptable based on your child’s age and stage of development, an integral part many parents have trouble with is the concept of “letting go”.

This should be done in stages and does not mean that you are abandoning her to her own devices, but rather trusting her enough to let her handle certain things on her own.

If you continually swoop in and “save” her from possible hurt or harm, you are taking away her opportunity to develop resilience by learning how to handle and deal with pain and disappointments.

This is crucial as it ties in with her ability to become independent and learn how to stand on her own two feet without constant input or instructions from parents.

As she grows and matures, you should be able to gradually give less and less supervision and guidance.

Continue to be there for her whenever she needs you, but let her have the freedom to approach problems with her own solutions.

Embrace change

The thought of your child growing up and becoming independent too quickly may seem scary.

I want to assure you not to worry about it, as parenting is for life, so do “grow” along with your child.

Parenting is never stagnant, nor does it end when your child grows up into an adult.

The most important skill any parent needs is communication.

Remember to communicate often with your spouse and your child.

This is often the best method to gain feedback on how effective your parenting methods or strategies have been.

Nevertheless, don’t ignore problems either, especially if there are long-standing issues that cannot be managed despite your best efforts.

This could be due to a child’s developmental issues that may require professional assistance.

For cases like this, don’t hesitate to reach out and talk to a consultant/therapist.

Even as parents, we need to acknowledge that we could use some help in providing the best for our child.

That’s part and parcel of growing up.

Alexius Cheang is a behavioural psychologist. This article is courtesy of the Malaysian Paediatric Association’s Positive Parenting programme in collaboration with expert partners. For further information, please email starhealth@thestar.com.my. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. Information published in this article is not intended to replace, supplant or augment a consultation with a health professional regarding the reader’s own medical care. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.

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