What characterises situationships is the ambiguity and an undefined status. Photo: Freepik
Ben and Lisa, both in their 20s, spend a lot of time together. Every weekend, they go out on dates, doing stuff that couples usually do.
“We have meals together, watch movies, and enjoy other activities with each other... we also talk practically every day, mostly on WhatsApp,” says Lisa.
“Whenever she needs help with anything – such as when her car broke down – she would call me. I guess I’m her ‘go-to person’,” adds Ben.
That might not seem unusual for a dating duo, and to outsiders, they appear to be “a couple”.
But, Ben and Lisa have not defined their relationship, neither have they discussed any commitment to each other or where their “relationship” is headed.
This, says counselling psychologist Dr Anasuya Jegathevi Jegathesan, is basically what a situationship is: “a romantic or intimate connection between two individuals that lacks a clear label or commitment, and is ambiguous”.
“While there may be elements of friendship, even occasional dates and romantic interactions, a situationship lacks several important factors that are key to a relationship: defined expectations, a formal commitment and exclusivity,” she says.
Two individuals in a situationship may spend time together, enjoy each other’s company, or engage in romantic activities, but they haven’t communicated about the nature of their relationship or whether they’re officially a couple, she explains.
This lack of clarity can lead to uncertainty and at times, frustration, as both parties may have different expectations for the relationship.
Two individuals in a situationship may spend time together, enjoy each other's company, or even engage in romantic activities, but they haven't communicated about the nature of their relationship or whether they’re officially a couple. Photo: Freepik
The word “situationship” comes from a combination of the words “situation” and “relationship”, and refers to a “complicated situation when two individuals are in some sort of undefined relationship that may involve romance, emotional intimacy, and often, more.”
One of its earliest mentions was sighted in the Urban Dictionary in 2006 where it was described as “any problematic relationship characterised by one or more unresolved, interpersonal conflicts, usually confused with dating”.
While later entries on Urban Dictionary describe it more positively, it is still referred to as “a complicated situation somewhere between a friendship and a committed romantic relationship”.
In the 2010s, the term gained traction. More often than not, it referred to complicated relationships where one individual wanted more out of it than the other, or where the two persons involved were unsure what type of relationship they were in.
Situationships usually lack the structure and understanding that come with more defined connections, such as dating relationships, says Dr Anasuya.
The main characteristic of a situationship is ambiguity, lack of explicit communication about commitment, and unclear future intentions, which can lead to uncertainty and potential challenges in understanding the nature of the relationship, she says.The absence of clear communication can sometimes make both individuals unsure about whether they are in an exclusive relationship or if they are free to explore connections with others, she adds.
“It’s when the two persons are ‘together’ yet not in a defined dating relationship of a boyfriend and girlfriend. There may be intimate contact which may or may not involve sexual contact, but if you ask them what they are, they would say they’re ‘just friends’,” she explains.
However, highlights Dr Anasuya, a situationship is different from a dating or a friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationship because in both latter instances, they’ve defined what they are, she highlights.
Situationships can sometimes be emotionally intimate without any definition or physical intimacy. They behave like best friends, and may interact with each other in ways that people only would with their significant other,” she adds.
While there may be elements of friendship, even occasional dates and romantic interactions, a situationship lacks several important factors that are key to a relationship: defined expectations, a formal commitment and exclusivity. Photo: Freepik
Is it really a new thing?
People have been having undefined, ambiguous connections for decades, says Dr Anasuya, but these situationships seem to be more common nowadays because of how society has evolved.
Modern dating culture where it doesn’t always end up in marriage like during our parents/grandparents’ generation, changing social norms, and a focus on individual autonomy are all contributing factors to this, she adds.
“There has been a move from the traditional family structure where children live with their parents until they get married. Many adults now live on their own and some only see their families during major festivals. The people they reach out to for support and to fulfill their need for emotional connection are their friends,” she adds.
Dr Anasuya says that people get into situationships because “it’s natural to crave connection and seek out someone they can talk to, share moments with, etc. but they might not necessarily want to marry nor be physically intimate with that person”.
“Such individuals may desire the connection and intimacy, but don’t want the label of a relationship. They also don’t want the other person to have any claim on their property, rights, time, space or independence,” she says.
However, she cautions that for situationships to work, there there needs to be mutual understanding, open communication and an enjoyment of the present without being overly concerned about defining the future.
“Some of the trends that have facilitated situationships are: digital communication (social media and texting impacts relationship dynamics and development), online dating (contributes to a wider variety of relationship types), delay in traditional commitments (many opt for less formal relationship structures), focus on independence, ambiguity of labels (avoiding strict labels to enable relationships to evolve organically without predefined labels), blurring of lines (between friendship, romance, casual dating).”
“Understanding these trends provides insight into the evolving nature of modern relationships and helps individuals to navigate the complexities of dating in society today,” she says.
Are you in a situationship?
When it is ambiguous and you aren’t willing to declare your official boyfriend-girlfriend status to others, then it’s likely to be a situationship, says Dr Anasuya.
Furthermore, if you haven’t met any of their friends or family, and it’s a big secret and you don’t know where it’s headed or what the future brings, then it’s obvious it’s a situationship, she says.
This can be a risky position to be in, she adds.
“It’s an in-between space and if that is the lifestyle you prefer, then fair enough. But if it isn’t, then you might be putting yourself in a dangerous situation emotionally, because you may end up disappointed and hurt,” says Dr Anasuya.
Situationships seem to be more common nowadays because of how society has evolved. Photo: Freepik
Can a situationship progress into a relationship?
It’s possible if both parties have discussed it and decide to progress it, but not if it is one-sided.
“If both parties find themselves wanting a deeper connection and are willing to commit, they can work towards transitioning the situationship into a more formal relationship.”
However, she emphasises, the success of this transition depends on mutual agreement, shared goals, and a willingness to align their expectations for the future.
“And this is determined by their level of emotional connection, shared values, and mutual desire to commit.”
“Unfortunately, there are people who get into a situationship, thinking it will progress naturally into a full-fledged relationship. They are setting themselves up for trouble if they don’t discuss and define it from the beginning. Sometimes, it works out, but more often than not, it doesn’t.”
Dr Anasuya highlights that while situationships are a more common phenomena for those in Generation Z, it is, to a certain extent, also the “choice” of some single females in Generation X.
“They have their own money, way of life and just want companionship and intimacy, but not necessarily an official partner to interfere with their daily life or work,” she says.
“Some people do stay in a situationship because that is what they want – an undefined relationship that just brings them comfort and intimacy without strings attached, and also because there might be financial or legal implications if it progresses into a full-fledged relationship,” she adds.
Contrary to most, Ben and Lisa feel that their situationship is a “good situation” because both of them are single and “don’t have a partner to rely on”. They are also not in a hurry to look for a formal relationship.
“As such, our need for connection is met and we’re helping each other to grow. We prefer not to overthink the future and just take it one day at a time,” the duo reveals.
It is possible to be content with a good situationship, says Dr Anasuya.
While there is much negativity on this topic, a good situationship can exist – when both parties have a mutual understanding. Perhaps they just need a good friend, not necessarily one that is physically intimate, but one where they can communicate, hang out, spend time together and be there for each other.
Ultimately, it boils down to individual preferences and expectations. What works well for one person may not be suitable for another, so it’s important to consider personal values and relationship goals, she concludes.
