How do you deal with conflicted feelings - mourning on one hand, but sexual needs still there on the other? – Photo: David Dvoracek/Unsplash
When a person you love dies, sex is usually the last thing on your mind - at least for a while. Then, gradually, the desire for intimacy returns, and with it, often, a guilty conscience.
All of a sudden, the other one is no longer there - that person whose wrinkles and birthmarks you know by heart. Whose scent you love. The skin on skin contact, the intimacy, the rumpled bed sheets. All this suddenly is no longer.
What does this mean for one's own sexuality after the death of a beloved partner? How to deal with conflicted feelings - mourning on one hand, but sexual needs still there on the other?
In Muenster in northern Germany, Lutheran pastor and theology professor Traugott Roser explores what is widely seen as a taboo topic and explains why it is by no means abstruse that the libido can still be active in the time of mourning.
This is rooted in traditional attitudes. We have these in our culture as well, for example the idea of a year of mourning during which the widow or widower must wear black. Thereby sending a signal, via the clothes: I am not available.
Regarding the year of mourning, we must also consider its origins. In the old days it was a question about potential children who could still enter the world. It had to be clear whether they would have a claim to the inheritance of the deceased person.
Another point is this: Many people hold the view that mourning for a person is also an expression of the quality of their love. So the duration of their fidelity - also sexual fidelity - is seen as proof of the depth of their love.
Expressed in a different light - a person who soon starts flirting or cuddling with another person is regarded as not having really loved the deceased partner.
Sexuality is an expression of being human. And it is not just about sexual intercourse - touching, caressing, sensuality also are part of it. At that moment when in a relationship a partner dies, I not only am missing someone there with whom I can talk with over breakfast. I am also missing the body in bed next to me.
The body is after all used to contact with the other one. If one dies, this communication is torn apart. Naturally, sexual arousal and needs are still there - but they go off into a vacuum. For many in mourning this is a painful process. It's like the loss of a language.
In studies, those in that situation report feeling a sense of shame. And that it is very difficult to speak about it with someone else. It is already difficult enough to face it by oneself: "I still have sexual needs, but my partner has died just not too long ago. How can this be?" It's a conflict of feelings - and for those affected difficult to withstand.
On top of this is that mourning jumbles the entire body up. The hormones as well. And in this regard it can also come to a striking sexual need or feeling that one has no way of knowing how to handle.
Many people lack the words for it. They have never learned to talk about sex. How can I formulate to someone else those things which I'm dealing with or even confusing me? And then naturally this question: Who can I even tell? In most cases you can't tell your children. After all, you won't have talked to them beforehand about sex with your partner.
As an outsider, the most important thing to signal to the person in mourning is that these sentiments are completely normal. There is nothing abstruse about them. Perhaps not directly after the death, but after a certain period of time you can ask: "How are you doing in your mourning, with the physical absence, the empty bed. Do you want to talk?"
But on the other hand, if there is a new person that they are meeting, you should refrain from a remark like "don't you find it a bit too early?" It is important not to be so direct in evaluating or to have a critical undertone. A better alternative are sentences like "What would have to happen for you to have a good time when you go out with someone tonight? What would you be afraid of?"
What's important is to speak openly - but without judgement. And what is not good are rules. Also those in the opposite direction, in the sense of "What - you're still wearing black?" or, "It is about time for you to start mixing with people again." Remarks like these without being asked and coming from the gut are not very empathetic and are by no means helpful. – By Ricarda Dieckmann/dpa
