If you are keen to persuade your youngster to spend more time engaging with you rather than their phone, check whether you are spending a little too long on your phone too – try starting a conversation around that shared struggle. — Photo: Christin Klose/dpa-tmn
BERLIN: Many parents are familiar with the phenomenon: instead of heading to the park together as agreed, children would prefer to sit in front of their computer or chat with friends on their smartphones. But is it really that bad? And are adults really role models in this context?
Before you start a discussion with your child, ask yourself: Why do I want my child to spend less time in front of the screen? "Usually there are worries behind it because you don't know exactly what your child is up to," says media educator Kim Beck.
When a child enters worlds that aren't accessible to adults, it triggers certain fears, adds psychologist and author Anna Miller. "With the digital world, we can no longer physically reach our fellow human beings, we're not connected, we're all just running around like headless chickens," she says.
A mini reality check
As a first step, Beck recommends taking a close look at what your child does while they are staring at their smartphone. And what's the need behind it? Then there's a little reality check: Is the concern I had before justified? And how can I satisfy my child's needs away from the screen?
For example, your child may constantly be on their smartphone and you may fear they won't meet up with their friends anymore. "But then you see they're chatting with their friends from the sports club and they're sending each other TikTok videos, for example," says Beck – making it a needless worry about them lacking social contact.
Nevertheless, work on the relationship may be required. "It's not something that can be solved in five minutes," says Beck. She advises taking time and sitting down together to talk about what kind of videos your child likes. "You might find out that they're dance videos and you can then rehearse a dance together, or there's a dance school nearby offering courses."
Are parents role models?
Of course parents are role models when it comes to smartphone use, "but we didn't grow up with the internet the children are today," says Beck. "People over a certain age have had to teach themselves," Miller says. Nowadays, from the moment they are born, children are handed phones to take photos or videos. "We make the devices seem interesting, they copy the behaviour of the adults they see," Beck says.
She therefore advocates treating children fairly and as equals. "It's OK to admit that you've spent an hour on social media without paying attention to the time." After all, apps are designed to keep users on the screen for as long as possible. Children understand this too. "Then you can start thinking about what you can do together to improve the situation."
Using your child as a mirror
Miller says it can be worthwhile for both parents to ask themselves a few questions: When is digital useful to me, and what for? For example, am I emotionally overwhelmed and just want some time to myself? Are there aspects of the digital world that give me energy and are there some that take energy away?
Children can be a good mirror. "Ask your children how they perceive your digital consumption. Ask them if there is anything about it that bothers them," Miller says. And the most interesting question: Which rules would the children make for their parents if it were up to them?
Make memories – offline
Miller also suggests consciously integrating shared offline time into everyday family life. For example, you could agree on a place to leave smartphones or tablets when everyone gets home. Or agree that no one will look at their phones while you're playing a game, for example. "It's about making it clear that you can also have a great time when you're not looking at your smartphone. It's not a punishment or a threat."
The experts agree that simply "just" setting a certain time quota or screen time is not enough. "In the end there is almost alway an argument about this, with the parents trying to enforce a 30 minute rule, and the child feels completely misunderstood," Beck explains.
Depending on the age, it might make sense to spread out a time quota over a week, similar to pocket money. "This encourages personal responsibility," Beck says. Making room for real time is more important than talking about screen time, says Miller. So it's not about what we want less of, but rather what we want more of.
Children need to learn emotional intelligence, how to tolerate frustration, and negotiation as early as possible. "We should lay a solid foundation in real life, with social contacts, exercise, community and sometimes frustration," says Miller. – dpa
